Sunday, May 27, 2012

6:55 PM

hello! (:

It's been a while since I blogged. Ever since placement started,

every weekday has been so freaking busy - I can't even remember a time

where I went straight home after work to rest and eat dinner.

All the birthdays to celebrate, the home visits and just simply, meet-ups

and stuff --they just drain my days away. Not that I regret going for all of them,

it's just that when I look back, I feel so amazed at myself and at the same time,

really tired.

Recently, there have been many birthday girls- who are really significant people

and I feel really blessed and happy to be able to celebrate their birthday with and for them. (:

And also the meet up with my godbro, who is surviving in BMT - so many things that's going on.

Amidst all the things that's going on, my luck seems to have changed for the worse.

Some not-very-good things have been happening and I really hope

that they don't continue.

But, of course, my life has still been brightened up by

many people and many things and events. (:

As for my placement, I feel that I really am learning alot because of all the exposure to

new things that I have never done before in my previous placement.

I really start to understand myself better in terms of my flaws-

I see my weaknessess more clearly and I really am starting to understand

Joyz's intentions for her recommendations for my second placement. All these

do depress me, naturally , as I think I may have overestimated myself and to not be

able to meet up to my expectations is of course, sucky. But, as my supervisor said,

the only person I can control is myself and hence, I have to be the one to be motivated to change

and not dwell on emotions and instead, focus on my actions that can make me a better person.

Nevertheless, it is hard. Faced with different challenges, expectations and demands, I feel a little

overwhelmed at times. Overwhelmed sometimes to the point that I feel lost about how to make myself a better person.

But, I know that I need to be better. I need to face what that lies beyond my comfort zone

with the courage and belief in myself. I need to overcome my irrational fears and expectations.

I need to be more hardworking, be more vocal, be more willing to make mistakes and be more

confident in everything that I do. I need to learn how to manage emotions better, need to learn

how to think faster, communicate better- there's so much that I want to learn but the fact is that

I can't learn so much at one go. I need guidance, encouragement, support- which I know there will be

people willing to give me - but , I guess it's my openness and receptivity to them.

Positivity can be a facade, just as how it can be genuine. The same goes for everything else.

But, I guess that's why being accountable to oneself is the only thing that can reassure oneself

about what goes on around him/her.

Can I accept failure? Can I accept the fact that I will make mistakes because I'm not good enough?

Is what I think I am capable of doing really true? I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling a little discouraged by myself recently. Sigh. what a depressing post. Perhaps some will say I think too much, but I think

there's nothing wrong in thinking too much, of course not all the time la.

Oh well.

Jiayou bah. (:

Sunday, May 20, 2012

11:23 AM

BLESSED.

that's how I am feeling now. (:

wanyi's birthday party on friday night! (: I really love the thought and effort

put into making customized gifts for all the guests :D and the cake was so

pretty(: what makes it even more sweet is of course that

they are the first couple that I know to celebrate their 21st together (:

it was GREAT (: Seeing them doing stuff for us, running here and there, clearing up etc

really touched me because I know they just wanted us to enjoy ourselves and be happy,

which i did (:

I made my first salad! ^^ :D for Dr Nair's farewell party!

Thankyou bf for accompanying me to buy the ingredients and sending me home

after the stayover even though you were tired! <3

oh and I met hong sheng when i was taking train home with brandon, xx and jieli(:

so coincidental- i haven't seen him for so long la!

Anyway, Dr Nair's farewell party was awesome! (:

I sincerely truly enjoyed myself and the company and of course

getting to hear all the heartfelt words from Dr Nair , with the brilliant performances

by Nun and Alvin, awesome emceeing by sham and jiamin, hosting by joseph

and all the birthday cake surprises and just everything :D:D all the photos taken,

the laughter, the joy, the inspiration i got once again from this extremely

fantastic favourite lecturer- one that is enough for me to want to take a module

solely for her and one who never fails to encourage me and inspire me

about how social work should be done (: Someone i truly emulate,

look up to and hope to work with one day (:

But, above all, i feel trememdously blessed by all the wonderful social work people

in my life(: i feel loved and accepted and blessed, as i look at photos , think of memories-

they just make me smile(:

i gained so much from social work (: i suddenly feel like what i've been troubled over recently and stuff

are just so myopic, compared to the blessings i have and the blessings that i can bring to others(:

Friday, May 11, 2012

11:40 PM

hello!

there's so much i want to say , so much negativity or rants that i feel like pouring out
but i just can't bring myself to do it. while awesome friends helped brighten up my night,
sometimes i can't help but feel that i'm so imperfect. it's a sucky feeling.

oh well.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

12:00 AM

I did a good deed today!

Helped an old lady together with a Malaysian young lady by helping her

carry her four big bags of things to her house in Bishan. She was carrying them because

she was moving house. Such a petite and skinny fragile old lady struggling to carry

4 big bags of stuff, with 1 containing a bolster- it wasn't easy la! Thank goodness she met us

because the journey to her house apparently involved crossing the road and walking quite a distance ><

I felt quite touched and yet a little troubled by the Malaysian young lady

who also helped her. Touched because there are such nice people out there

who are still willing to give help , even though it had been a tiring day at work.

Troubled because it was not a Singaporean that offered a hand of assistance. ><

Have some thoughts but too tired to blog, another time :D:D

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

1:08 AM

WOOHOOO EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!! ^^

I feel SO happy and liberated.. from academic stuff at least.
I realise that I have SO MUCH non-academic stuff to do .. sigh.. haha but at least
they're meaningful(:

Anyway, today was a GREAT day because i spent it with wonderful wonderful pple :D

i love social work people. i love my social work friends. they brighten up my life SO SO much (:
i feel really lucky and blessed to meet such awesome people who love me and accept me for who I am in NUS (: They make me never want to leave school, I'll so miss them when i go Copenhagen. SIGH. :(

Anyway, met charm and debs to come school for lunch!
And then we prepared zawi's present :D and then groupwork exam!
And then zawi's birthday surprise plus my song dedication- super nervous la hahha but yay ^^
And then Dr nair farewell party meeting.
And then wonderful journey to our PPP!(:
hahaa. me, debs and jiamin went bugis jco donut to chill and eat super nice donuts:D
super shuang to just not think about academics and not to feel guilty while enjoying ourselves!
we then shoppeed!!!(: ahha with charm who came later!
we bought stuff haha for ourself and xinliang:D
and then ate a fantastic dinner at Ramenplay:D
then sham came !(: ahha all the laughter, photos and just EVERYTHING (:
i feel SO SUPER BLESSED (: honestly.

this bunch of people are so loved by me forever <3

anyway, i really hope for the people taking elderly to endure for the next few days!!!(:
ALL THE BEST TO THEM AH
(: i hope that the wait is worth it cuz they'll do DAMN well :D

haha. yay (:

happy day!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

6:36 PM

Hello! (:

It's exam period! >.<

Can't wait for exams to be over!

Anyway, here are some thoughts about today's exam( it bothered me quite alot :( )

I think I could have done better for today's exam.

I could have did Dr Nair's question better in terms of essay structure and even

critical analysis in answering the question.

I dvelved into the question too fast, not fully analysing it nor planning it as I think I had this

assumption that it was similar to my assignment question and I was also afraid of my time management.

I was too caught up in the points rather than the essay- which coming from someone like me who's so used to writing essays - is a really stupid mistake to make and I can't help but feel this sense of disappointment and regret. It's especially heartwrenching because Dr Nair will be marking my essay. I really wanted to do well or at least show some standard and do my best. I think it would be unfair to say that I didn't do my best because I really did , as shown from how I did not give up and wrote as much as I could, trying to incorporate as many points as I could and made decisions to manage my time well and complete the essay. But, what I regretted was how my "best" in that situation was unfortunately, not the usual " best" in exam situation. So it equates to me feeling super SIAN ttm.

I mean, yea MAYBE bell curve will help me. But, the questions that I did were quite popular and I think most importantly, I feel like I cannot really account to myself- how could I have been so silly to not take note of essay structure, which is SO important in exams, which can differentiate a mediocre essay from a well-written essay? It pains me because this structure was something that I always used as a tool to score, at least during JC history exams la.

Sigh. I think I'm going to screw up this module. :( I know what's done cannot be undone but at the same time, I can't help but wish that I could turn back the clock. Oh well, positively thinking, at least I finished the exams, did quite okay for the first paper, wrote alot successfully within time limit and managed to gather what I learnt. Also, I guess what matters at the end of the day is that after taking this module, even if I don't get good grades, I know that I'll definitely remember what was thought and be a child-centric social worker next time. (: And also, I guess I need to form the base at times la huh haha , after what Nun questioned me about whether I could be at the base once in a while haha. And I think how I can move on from this, which I derived after talking to Brandon , is that sometimes when mistakes are made, even though they sting and hurt and make me feel stuck, I guess what's therapeutic in learning to let go is to accept that I have in fact , made a mistake- afterall, no one's perfect- and I need to FACE UP to this mistake and accept the CONSEQUENCES. At most, I don't do well lor- not that I'll die horribly or something. I'll be sad but I know that this is what I deserve because of my bad performance and it's only fair in life that I get what I deserve( usually la haha).

I feel better after blogging these disturbing thoughts down. Was really quite sian as I actually went to the extent of reading my exam paper and analysing what I did by trying to recall what I wrote. :( Oh well. (: I guess it's time to move on- I've mourned for my mistake and now it's a brand new challenge that I need to face- at least I won't allow this mistake to happen in SW2106.

Jiayou! (:

Saturday, April 21, 2012

10:18 PM

" Flying without wings" by Westlife is a wonderful song to listen to

when you're feeling low and irritated with everything that's going on.

At least, that's accurate for me. Perhaps it's because it reminds me of my childhood. (:

Afterall, it was once the ending song for a Pokemon movie that me and my bro watched together when

we were young.

I really loved my childhood.

I remember being a really happy and carefree child.

Of course I had my fair share of worries about studies and stuff,

but it was different as compared to my life from Secondary One onwards,

because of the problems that I had to face and cope with from my family.

While I'm glad that those times were over,

repercussions still remain. Guilt , hurt and frustration still plague me and these

translates into tears at times- I think that sometimes, crying is really therapeutic.

Just like just now, that sudden overwhelming urge to cry just because of pent up emotions

and thoughts and frustrations that no one can really understand its magnitude and significance, except

me.

But, don't get me wrong. Life's really still treating me well. (:

Apart from these issues, everything still seems to be pretty alright. There's still much to treasure

and people who love me and especially all the memories that never fail to cheer me up

when I'm feeling down. (; I'm really comforted by all these, just that at times,

I just feel the need to rant , to pen down some of my negative thoughts, in a space where I can do so freely,

with no one to think for. That's why I love my blog. (:

Okay, I feel much better. (:

Exams are approaching and OMG I feel that I've been a big fat slacker :(

Zzzzz. Time to buck up, like seriously!