green Fantasy

2012-01-21T13:08:00.002+08:00

hello.

Suddenly felt like blogging. School has started and honestly, everything rocks so far(:
except for genes and society. That module sucks to the core and I hate it- the same familiar
sense of " what the hell am i doing here?" resentment when I was studying Science in secondary school- it just makes me feel so irritatedly angry yet helpless with myself, struggling to find
resentment and a streak of rebellion just to make myself feel better. Nevertheless,
it was a choice. A choice that I made, according to my own beliefs and priorities and I always
believe that we need to be responsible for our own choices. So yes, suck thumb- as the army saying goes. I'll just prepare to screw up this module and s/u it. Heck care and freak the stupid module! I'll just do my best and silently keep cursing this module in my heart. (:

So yea, what has made school awesome so far, is of course the company I have. (: The wonderful social work friends that I have - they brighten up my day and I feel really blessed having them in my life. Of course, not just social work friends, uni friends too :D And haha. basically if I start to count my blessings, I do have people in my life to be happy about. (: And oh, I got myself a scholarship. Yay!

Chinese New Year is approaching. And I don't know why but I have mixed feelings about it. Oh well, anyway recently , I feel myself swinging on the pendulum, being happy at one moment then stressed and sian at another - these ups and downs just make me so irritated. I feel alone at times, in a sense that I can't expect others to know and really understand what I need and want and so, I try to make do with just having myself for comfort and solace in this moments.

And my committments. I feel stressed. Edgar said something meaningful to me recently,
about why I should get so pressured when not everything is about me. Well, it's true , I guess, I tend to take things more personally, responsibilities especially - I guess it's a combination of me wanting to meet my own expectations as well as hoping to succeed in the purpose of whatever responsibility I am given, I'm not sure which is more dominant though. Seems that I probably don't understand myself well enough about that.

2012-01-12T23:44:00.002+08:00

hello (:

YES i finally made a decision to take child-centric!
Tough process but I'm happy to come to a decision.

and i realised something.

sometimes, when we think others may not be comfortable with us
and would want us not to be with them, or when we think that others leave us out,
what we may be actually doing is
subconsciously creating a barrier between us and them and
leaving ourselves out ...
so yep(: let's put down our judgements about what others
may see or want of us and just have a mindset of wanting to know people better :D

2012-01-06T09:49:00.002+08:00

hello (:

Everyone seems to be posting "New Year" posts, if you know what i mean.
Recap of 2011 and how 2012 will be like and so on. It's really interesting for me , personally,
to read such posts because I see how my friends grow stronger and better.
Normally, that's the case. I haven't seen any negative examples so far.

Just about 15 minutes ago, I was extremely frustrated, irritated and angry.
About the lowest minimum bid for MNO. Someone told me it was 1. And
I believed it and didn't bother to go and verify personally. Now, I realise it's 350
and after yesterday's damn expensive module, I only have 243 points.
Which means I probably might not get MNO if it suddenly becomes as popular as it was
last semester. This kind of sucks because I was actually quite looking forward to studying MNO
and I had everything planned out already. :(

Surprisingly, after reading someone's new year post, I feel better now.
It reminded me of how I always believed in fate and destiny. How I always felt that
what's meant to be will be and sometimes, we should just lead life as how life leads us to lead it.
Whether I'll get MNO or not is really a question of whether I'll be lucky. I hope I will.
But, what if I'm not? Then, I 'll just have to curse and swear, feel sore about it and then,
find a way to make up for it and move on. Theoretically, it's so simple. But, when the process comes, it kind of sucks.

I guess that's how life is. We hope for everything to go according to what we want.
We hope for things to go smoothly. On my part, I like to plan. I like to plan about my future,
plan about things that matter to me, such as grades and finances.
Sometimes, planning gives me a sense of satisfaction. It's as though I'm doing something
for my future. I'm not just a slacker , living day to day, with no ultimate aim or goal in my life.
Planning makes me feel that I'm actually more prepared for life, for the different uncertainties.
Yet, the ironic thing is that planning makes life tiring and potentially more heartbreaking and stressful. Why? Because if things don't go according to plan ( when there's a plan), that means
disappointment , sadness and even resentment. And so, as what someone told me before,
just live life in the moment. What's the point of planning when you know that you can never fully control and steer your life according to plan?

So how? We can only try to strike a balance. Plan but get mentally prepared that your plans may fall through. When they fall through, plan again.

I still believe some form of planning is necessary. No planning just doesn't strike me as being
responsible for the future. If we don't plan just because we don't want to face disappointment, resentment and sadness, that's a normatively cowardly action because while every human being can understand this logic, we shouldn't be daunted by it because life will somehow make us experience these emotions.

But, anyway, back to my MNO. I feel scared that I cannot get the module and then,
there'll be the hassle of trying to get another module, which could be potentially really bad.
But then , maybe all these, if they happen, they happen for a reason.
Perhaps I shouldn't be too hard on myself about my plans coming true. Afterall,
as ominous as this may sound, I could die anytime because of anything.
And hence, what's important is to stay happy.

2012-01-03T22:02:00.001+08:00

happy new year everyone(:

2012 is here!

2011-12-30T18:33:00.002+08:00

today, i feel like i've matured. or rather discovered that I have matured in my thinking.

i used to be quite concerned about cliques and stuff , social issues , awkwardness and things like wanting to be part of groups or trying to please everyone. but today, i realised that actually,
i was not as concerned as i used to be about some of such stuff. in fact, i kind of feel quite liberated. (=

Life is short. It's all about really living your life as happily as you can. What's important is to stay happy, make decisions you won't regret, learn to be contented and learn to cherish and appreciate. (:

2011-12-23T09:33:00.002+08:00

Hello!

I'm back from Camp Castaway! (:

It was probably the best and most awesome camp in my life so far! I guess the fact that
I was camp commandant of the camp made it super memorable. I remember the smiles on the faces of those youths , the laughter this camp brought to them, the new friendships that were forged and simply not just the fun we had, but the fact that precious life lessons and key qualities were brought out well in these youths. The qualities of confidence, resilience and self-discovery- the thought of how what they have learnt in the camp and how it can help them for their future -simply makes my heart jump for joy. (: And I am sure that it's not just me, the same goes for the rest of the Project APT committee and the facils and gamemasters - the fact that we managed to make a difference in the lives of these youths , the fact that our efforts have translated into positive growth is enough to make us feel happy and satisfied.

This camp made me see the joy of impacting young lives again. It made me see how much I really love to see people grow positively and how proud I am of them when I imagine them using these new found strengths and qualities to lead a better and more fufilling life ahead. (: Not just the youths, I guess as the planning committee, the growth in the facilitators were equally important to me- hearing them speak about their youths during debrief and seeing how surprised and gratified and touched at the youths' appreciation for them , which I guess would probably leave them with a very positive experience working with youths- makes me feel so elated for them.

I cannot help but feel really blessed and thankful. (: This whole camp really turned out to be much much better than I expected and looking back on all the previous stresses and work, I feel that everything was really worth it- the ability to know and make a difference in the lives of others is really that precious because it does not come easy but when it comes, it gives you one of the best feelings in life that you can ever experience. I guess this is pretty relevant to social work- social work is no doubt stressful, draining and there is always plenty to be done but yet we strive on because we know our purpose- we strive on because we know we want to make a difference and the knowledge that it won't be easy makes us all the more determined to strive on . (: Because at the end of the day, what we get back is really much more greater and precious than what we put in.

That is the spiritual takeaway I had from the camp. Never forget how precious the ability to make a difference is. (:

Apart from this, I gained so much more in the camp- the struggles I faced as a camp commandant - the decision-making processes and who should make the decision , the exposure and knowledge I gained, the assertiveness I gained - i felt that at the end of the day, I really did grow up and mature from this camp. I really became a more confident, resilient person that discovered more about my strengths and weaknesses and my beliefs, such as about decision making and discipline.

Some of the main points that I learnt include:

- To have more confidence in the decisions that I make. Perhaps it was because I was the youngest in the committee and hence, I felt that sometimes the decisions that I make will not be as good as my other committee members who are really experienced and wise. But, I realised that sometimes, when you need to make decisions, you just have to make decisions. Right or wrong, if no one points out anything, just let time tell and learn from it. I needed to be more rational and confident about making decisions as a leader.

- When conducting debriefs, it's good to highlight the reasons for why certain decisions were made. I also know better how to conduct different types of debriefs, short ones in between activties- the purpose of improving later on and how to conduct end of day debriefs which should be more focused on programmes and lastly , how to conduct overall debriefs at the end of everything. I learnt that I should not subconsciously let myself try to structure others' sharing during debriefs or else the purpose of debrief would be defeated- that's a weakness of being too task-oriented in wanting to get what I want to get done. I also know some techniques in conducting debriefs. I learnt to better give instructios whereby I must give holistic instructions and not miss out things. I learnt to better craft activities suitable for the ability of the youths and I had an experience on doing last min changes , luckily for the better.

there's so much more that I gained. (: but i just can't pen all down >< i also became more assertive and firm. and i also realised that sometimes, i should just be who I am , recognise myself for who I am - like how I was at first stressed about the role I was going to play- a supposedly fierce Island Queen but then slowly , even without realising it, I somehow just became a very " Lyon" Island Queen- I just crept back to who I was and it just somehow made me think about times when people just tell me to be "Lyon" - it seems that people know who I am, can recognise me for certain trademarks and characteristics and sometimes, in the midst of trying to improve myself for the better, I forget about who I was in the beginning and how precious the "me" that I am is.

haha so many learning points- there's still much more(: and all these are largely credited to the committee members with me (: each and every of them are really precious and all helped me to become a better me (:

i feel happy. (: yay.

2011-12-15T08:04:00.003+08:00

hello :D

haha my blog deserves some updates (:

firstly, I trimmed my hair! Hmmm the end result was not really what I expected,
but you know how convincing hair-cutting aunties are when they say how your hair should
be cut to be pretty -.- I just put my trust in her and hmmmm.. maybe I won't go back to the shop again =/ haha because my hair got shorter ... i prefer my longer hair ...but on a brighter note, hair is supposed to grow faster after getting trimmed :D pleasee let my hair grow longerrrr.

secondly, i am going on exchange! yes after much consideration, I have decided to go for a 4-month exchange at University of Copenhagen in Denmark. haha. the money part is heart-wrenching and so, looking at the rate my savings are depleting so far, I have decided to launch a full-out "save-as-much-money" policy in my life from now on, till at least I feel rich enough again . but thanks to brandon ang who's always willing to offer me treats and money to make me better :D even though he doesn't have alot of money too heh. it's the thought that counts.

thirdly, I had a dental appointment that almost killed me. :( in terms of money and physically cuz of the pain. sigh and my teeth are FULLL of problems :( no more sweets and chocolates already la. unless it's that kind that I can just eat without using my teeth hahaha. I still have one or two more dental appointments to go , sad life.

fourthly, so far I'm pretty glad with how my holidays are going. (: there're times spent with people I haven't seen for so long, times for me to clench my fists and do work, times when Im so stressed over my camp participants stuff ( i still am >.<) and times when i can just SLACK without worries (; times for me to help my mum with housework and do some clearing-up and of course times spent with people so dear to me. And the holidays have not ended yet! I am going to continue savouring every bit of my hols- I still have some more meet-ups to go! (: I shall try to spend less money though.

okay there's not much left for me to really update. perhaps some ranting on how I tend to get secretly angry and irritated over things that I should not be taking it personally but rather, rationally. maybe it's a natural instinct? but still, it's not something good.

and i've been eating alot this holidays :( but nvm, i'm sure i will cut down once i start focusing on saving money.. hopefully. haha.

smile :D

2011-12-04T15:32:00.002+08:00

Hello! (:

Procrastination kicks in AGAIN. -.-
Sometimes, when i tell people that i'm actually secretly a procrastinator,
they give me the surprised or doubtful look, probably because I look so hardworking and guai =p

Anyway, I'm feeling stressed. Yes, I know that it may sound weird because afterall, my exams are over. But, regardless of that, i'm stressed about getting in 3 youth participants for the camp that I'm planning for. Anyway, to those who are reading my blog, if you know any youth from 13-18 years old and may be free during 20-22 December, let them know that there's this fun and free camp , called Camp Castaway. And let me know if they want more details. (: It's a 3D2N camp.

I don't know why but I have always been stressed by the need to "get people", be it for participation or for whatever purposes. Is it because I feel bad about possibly "troubling" them or maybe because I fear rejection or am afriad of being "ignored" so I don't want to make the first step? Or is it because I see this kind of "numbers" as a form of accountability and responsibility and I hate to push myself to try and accomplish something that is beyond my control? I feel quite disgusted with myself and everything actually. In the future, will I be subjected to the same kind of struggle during my course of work? I secretly think so - getting people for the sake of getting people and not because I want to help them ...pressure of KPIs perhaps? I want to find a streak of hope. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic about everything. Maybe it's just my own insecurities that are making me resent this... this is not the first time I'm faced with this struggle but how come I feel it's not getting easier for me? Sigh.

2011-11-22T20:49:00.003+08:00

heyhey(:

woah I haven't been blogging for awhile!
suddenly had this urge to blog again before I start work!

Now's the middle of my exam period! I just had my first paper yesterday and
it was quite okay(: but I strongly suspect the bell curve will kill me bleah. But, oh well,
I enjoyed learning Malay :D

I have 3 more papers to go and I'm so looking forward to the END- 29th nov- then I'll be FREE(:

But anyway, congrats to me for completing all my assignments, projects and test(:
and getting decent grades for some too! Now I just need to conquer exams- which (guiltily) I'm not really putting in much effort- I don't know why- I'm just studying at my own sweet pace and even watching TV inbetween. x.X oh wellll.

I think it's because of my recent illness! Yes I was down last week (Reading week) with
INFLUENZA A- super bad! but thankfully I have recovered now(: and so thankful for all the care and concern :D especially shamini for everything heh(: I actually really quarantined myself at home for 5 days ! haha.

I 'm also really proud of myself for surviving through 7 scholarship interviews despite running a high fever and having abit of flu (: heh. I just hope this whole episode hasn't burnt my brains too badly.

And CONGRATULATIONS to my godbrother for ending his Alevels today!(: haha. YAY!(:

I want to REST. (: I want to PLAY. (: I want to MEET UP with some people whom I haven't had time to catch up with. I want to ENJOY MYSELF (:

OKAY back to studying ZZZ.

jiayou to me :D

2011-10-30T22:32:00.003+08:00

hello hello (

gosh i feel like i've been blogging rather rarely! So i'm back here to update!

YAY it's the 2nd last week of school! (: Then it'll be exams and I'll be done with Year 2 Sem 1!
I'm so looking forward to it because this semester has been so crazily stressful and busy ( okay maybe i'm exaggerating a teeny weeny bit) so I'll be really thankful when I'm done! (:

I'm left with 2 more assignments, 1 presentation and 1 test! All the best to me!(:

I'm not optimistic about my grades for this semester actually, especially after I realised
I made errors on in-text citations in my previous 2 assignments, and one of them was a group assignment! Which sucks, because I'm someone that hates to "let people down" so I felt very bad
towards my groupmates.. but I'll make up for it. (:

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm so stressed about grades at times and yet so slack at times - it's such a irony, don't you think? But, I guess that's why people say life is full of contradictions eh. (:
Getting good grades has always been a responsibility - not that I always fufill it- but at times,
I manage , thankfully , to. (: But this time, I really don't have the confidence but oh well, screw it la- i shall just do my best and accept whatever outcome I am given. (;

I feel so busy for this coming week! Although I don't think I'm really very very busy. Haha I experienced the irony of how busy people wish that they could slack and slack people yearn to be busy.

Anyway, as I'm counting down, so is my godbrother! His Alevels is in 1 plus weeks time! (:
So nervous and yet excited for him, cuz after he survives Alevels, he'll be FREE (: haha. let's all wish him good luck k :D

okay that's all for now!

cheers :D

2011-10-15T10:16:00.002+08:00

okay hello world(:

my blog seems pretty dead so here I am, to revive it for awhile!

SIGH. this semester has been so crazy- i'll be damn glad when it's over. (:
the past few days was crazy busy and i was so so so tired yesterday-
i'm so amazed at my resilience through the day hahah :)
yay- finallly submitted my 3215 assignment and sep application! (:

and ... now there're tons of things to be submitted... but i will jiayou! (:
i'm getting more cui i think :( dark eye rings + no exercise+ stress = CUI =/

but what i'm really glad through this horrible semester
is that i have such wonderful people around me
that i can share my worries and stress with by ranting to them
and receiving encouragements from them (:
i'm really thankful for my social work friends especially <3
all of us are like , dying from the workload but at least we're all in it together :D

haha. aiyah i feel like i have so much to say yet don't know what to say
and plus i have stuff to do!!! :( zzzz.
haha jiayou ah lyon :D

2011-09-25T17:56:00.003+08:00

hello (:

it's the end of recess week!

While that's supposed to mean bad news, I feel surprisingly refreshed and ready
to take on the challenges of school again. A big contrast from my previous post, I guess?
Well, don't get me wrong, I'm really as stressed as ever. But, I'm counting my blessings,
people who have cheered me up and brightened my life over the past recess week
and helped to alleviate my stress. (:

Although there're so many projects but I guess I'm glad and fortunate to be working with
nice people and they're a joy to work with. (: People really matter in project work! So, thank you to all who are doing project with me . (:
Of course, there're assignments that I have to do individually, which I feel really stressed up about- Yes I fear that my CAP will drop..but oh well, I guess after going through so many academic years, the best advice I can give myself is to just give it my best and leave the rest to fate. (=

There're also people who are always there for me.(: Like my boyfriend, who tries to encourage me and secretly stress me by being so disciplined and hardworking :D haha. just kidding, I'm really proud of him actually. I'm a bad example. haha. I do look upon him as a good example for me <3

And there's my godbrother, who gave me my part two belated birthday present today afternoon by treating me to a splendid meal and games at Mind Cafe@ Funan (: Spotting pictures and playing Risk -where i managed to conquer Asia( because it's green on the map so I wanted to conquer it :p ) But, seriously, it was a good break because we talked alot, ate alot, played alot and just relaxed- amidst such stressful times, I really appreciate and treasure such chill-out times (:

And there's my ganma, Jeanine, who's really such a dear elder sister to me(: her facebook msg to me came at the right time :D she's someone so dear and close to me and so her encouragement and everything really mean alot to me:) I'm so looking forward to our outing at the end of the year! <3 this gives me motivation!

And there's my new bro :D Keith (: who so nicely gave me a call from Australia before he proceeds to the desert haha:D It was such a pleasant surprise for me , because I don't really get overseas phonecalls :D the effort and money to use to find out how i am because i told him i was stressed really cheered me up. it's a sign of real care and concern:D Oh and i received a card from Australia too from another friend:D happy happy ahha.

And incidents such as interacting with visually handicapped people-who strike me as positive people in their own way. (: There's always so much to learn from people- whom society deems as less useful and able but actually, there's so much strength and hope dwelling in them that makes me think that we really need to learn from them(: Visually handicapped people who stress over simple daily things can still find joy in living, what's more me? When I'm only stressed by my busy schedule and academic requirements :/

Okay, so even though I'm really busy and only going to get busier, if I know how to cherish and treasure what I have, I can still be a happy busy woman:D I still can find joy in my life and use this positive energy to touch others and bring joy to them :D

I must jiayou(:

2011-09-21T21:06:00.003+08:00

I AM STRESSED.

I have so many things to do but all I want to do is to do brainless stuff.

I have so many things to settle but all I want to do is to withdraw into my shell and cut off all contact with the outside world so I'll be stuck in my own world.

ARGH.

I don't feel like doing anything and this sense of laziness is killing me.

2011-09-19T11:50:00.003+08:00

hello(:

it's RECESS WEEK. haha. a BUSY BUSY RECESS WEEK. =(
But, oh well I guess , it's inevitable in university life. (=

anyway, this is an overdue post for a very special day in September- 8th September 2011.
My 20th birthday and 1 year anniversary. (:

My 20th Birthday:

I had a really wonderful birthday celebration with people close to my heart on the special day itself. (: Thankyou to my social work friends who successfully surprised me with a birthday cake and song before lecture in the morning. It was such a pleasant surprise that I was really very touched. (: I felt very blessed to get to know this group of amazing social work friends, that i really sincerely hope our friendship will last forever in our social work journey ahead.
Thanks for all the notes ( Shurlene, jiamin, Deborah) and presents and card :D ( Shurlene, Shamini, Mun Ching, Charmaine , Rachel, Vivian, JiaHui, Fiona, Kheng Hwee, Marian and Dorea :D ) I really feel very very loved. <3

I met up with godbro after that because he wanted to give me my first part of my birthday present on my actual birthday itself. (: It was really really very sweet of him to write me such a long letter and even being so meticulous and thoughtful such as to spend 6 hours on it and even writing a draft. I really appreciate it , especially since I love this kind of penned letters filled with memories and sincerity :D Thank you very very much godbro(: I am looking forward to my part 2 of my present! :D

And after that I met my dear boyfriend(: He gave me a note and a really nice green wallet that was not very cheap =/ but i felt touched that he was willing to splurge on me <3 :D we went for lunch and singapore flyer trip :D It felt so long since we both happily went out on an outing- the harsh reality of school sucks sometimes but oh well, it's this harsh reality that makes us treasure our time together even more. (: More shall be dedicated to my boyfriend in the later part of my post.

Had birthday dinner with my family, which went quite well(: and I managed to have my cake cutting ceremony with my family singing a really heartwarming birthday song to me- i felt really very happy and blessed. :D :D And of course what made me feel even more happy and blessed was ALL the birthday smses and wishes by people :) Each one really brightened up my day :D :D:D It feels really comforting to know that I am being remembered by people who actually make the effort to share my joy with me and give me well wishes on this special day of mine :D

I am a very lucky girl because even before my birthday itself, I already received presents ( wanyi <3 and brandon's parents :D ) as well as a surprise birthday celebration and present from xueting, junya and rebecca<3 i felt really touched because it's really amazing how our friendship still remains strong even after secondary 4 :D I really really hope our friendship will stay like this all the way. (:

Even after my birthday, I was blessed enough to continue receiving presents such as from some whom i mentioned earlier as well as the weijie clique people :D haha funny name but yes - weijie,huiting,carine,huiming,weiwen and brandon:D :D i really appreciated the celebration too<3 very heartwarming and i'm truly glad to know these bunch of people :D I also had a mini cake cutting celebration from project apt committee- joyz,chuanyan,edgar, justin and john:D and of course not forgetting my dearest soulmate , who has such a long friendship with me- it's not just friendship, it's sisterhood, kinship of the highest level i can really ever want(: and of course my ganma :D another person in my life that's so significant, i can't wait for her to come back from australia and we can go celebrate our birthdays:D

This birthday has been fabulous in every single way(: It was really more than I expected and reflecting on the process, i felt really ashamed to be greedy in the first place because when I let go of my greed, what i received was so much more :D I'm not a perfect person, I have my flaws too but what touches me is the acceptance of myself from the people around me, the weight and significance I have in their heart- this makes me even more motivated to cherish every single one of them :D

All of them make my 20th birthday so memorable "(: that I'm actually happy to say that I turned 20. (:

1st year anniversary :D

It's been a year. Time flies so fast. (: But, even in this year, there has been ups and downs but what makes me happy is that the ups outweigh the downs- we've gone through significant times and spend wonderful moments together(: You were always there for me , no matter what, even in my darkest hours once and also even if I became really negative and everything, you never rejected me and always accepted me <3

You brighten up my life and add so much love to it that I feel very lucky that I have met you.(: I remember how I thought that it would be quite hard for me to fall in love and get into a relationship because it was not easy for me to like a guy , especially when I wanted my first boyfriend to be my last- but the sheer quickness of how both of us progressed did not unsettle me , it made me more confident and stunned at how my belief of there being a right guy out there for me was really true (: It's unexplainable but I will cherish our affirnity(:

I don't commit easily but once I commit, I give it my all<3 And I'm willing to commit my entire life to you <3 let's have many many many more anniversaries in front of us, Brandon Ang Wee Ming <3

Okay, that's the end of my overdue post (:

Anw just one more additional part-

JIAYOU AH GODBRO!!!(: I'm still hoping and praying for you to do well for prelims now and subsequently Alevels :D remember you're not alone and I know that your efforts will pay off :D godsis has 101% faith in you so all the way, IF YOU NEED ANY HELP OR ENCOURAGEMENT, you know who to call/sms :D

smile:D

2011-09-16T22:57:00.002+08:00

ARGH.

my post got deleted:(

sad. my reflections about my birthday and anniversary will have to WAIT. haha(:

anyway, i have been very busy.:( sighh.

but i had a relevation today! i must be a happily busy girl!(:

haha.

anyway to my dear godbro:

i know you're reading this :p

JIAYOU JIAYOU JIAYOU(: rmb you are NOT alone(:

2011-09-05T09:24:00.002+08:00

This morning, I was woken up by my brother's call to be his delivery girl to deliver another pair of shoes to the MRT where he was, because his soles of his shoes were spoilt. Although it was tiring rushing all the way down, but I felt happy when he thanked me and he had good shoes to wear again. (: It's such simple acts that bring us closer and makes me feel happy.

Had a surprise this morning! Py sent me an email reply to my sms about some personal issues that I had recently. Thankyou py(: (:(: There was this sentence that struck me as pretty meaningful:

I think the most important thing in the world starts with making yourself happy,
and you chose it to do it by being contented( in a balance) with yourself and your life.

He made me realise that as I was trying to find a solution to my personal issues, perhaps what I had overlooked or subconsciously been finding is a way to make myself happier. Sticking to my set of life principles, trying to search for the deeper meaning behind things in life, coming up with certain ideas and beliefs to counter obstacles in life that I face as a person -- maybe it's just actually a journey to make myself happier and not just a problem-solving process.(: Things seem quite simpler, with that mindset, in the sense that the next time, I encounter this process again, I will tell myself that I'm searching for the solution that will make me happy.

He also made me realise that sometimes when I get a solution and search for the best way out, it's not just " the right thing to do", it's not just an obligation, a sign of maturity, but it's a way of choosing, a choice that will make myself happy. Being happy can be selfish but usually, it's the happiness derived from selfless behaviour that will make one feel truly happy. :) At times, as I struggle with balancing my own selfish wants and other's wants and needs, I put others before me and although it's painful at times, deep down I know that this is just a small part of my life and if this actions could prevent any unforeseen terrible consequences , it's worth it. (: It's okay to be negative at times because I've been blessed with positivity and happy times so it's only fair. Pain is a symbol of sacrifice but it's not always the end to a sacrifice-sometimes , happiness lies at the end.

I remember how I was really a very happy girl in primary school days. (: Searching for songs of the cartoons and animes that I watched then never fails to make me feel the happiness that I had so many years ago. Sometimes, it's the child inside each of us that's our source of happiness and with this thought in my mind, at times I really want to work with children and impact them positively and give them as bright a childhood that they can have so that they can see their childhood as a source of comfort and hope. (:

2011-08-31T21:54:00.002+08:00

just a quick post before i go and do my work..

Uni life has plagued me, unfortunately, at times with doubts about what I am actually doing about my life. Nope, I don't doubt my studies - social work has always been something that I want to study and I'm enjoying studying something that I'm interested in. Perhaps it's because I don't really know what I really want out of my university life- I mean, yea I have an idea but sometimes, comparison clouds my vision and keeps me feeling unsatisfied, uncontented and yet clueless about or why I'm really unsatisfied and uncontented. And in times like these,
I feel even more lost about what I have believed in , about whether they are really reasons or just excuses for failure or laziness.

I realise that I've mainly been doing things that I see the value it holds for my future. If I see no future value in it, I won't feel so inclined to doing it. But, then maybe I'll subconsciously feel very tired about planning for my future , working hard for my future, instead of just enjoying myself in the moment. I'm not a live-in-the-moment person.. or maybe I just don't dare to be such a person. I don't know why though. I wish I could sometimes be really carefree, just do what I want to do, stop caring about the people around me, the world around me and just put myself in priority, just do whatever I like and live my life as a single individual without any worries or things that I can't let go. But, yet it's so hard to muster the courage to lead such a life - i think I'm scared of consequences. I don't want to do things I regret and that's why I plan. And that's why I subject myself sometimes to struggles that only I understand. Personal struggles- maybe that's what it's called. I'm waiting for someone to come and enlighten me but I kind of doubt the appearance of such a someone because ultimately, perhaps I should be the one enlightening myself.

Life hasn't been too bad lately. (: But , neither has it been too good. Or even good. I want my life to be better, I want to be lucky and get what I want. But, recently, I feel that some things are just out of my reach. I'm just not the one with the right luck to get it. Lows and Highs. I treasure my social work friends though(: They keep me happy and looking forward to go
to school.

I want someone to relieve my burden. But then that's selfish and wishful thinking, for no one except yourself can truly take away your burden. If only things could be as simple and wishes could come true(:

2011-08-29T22:34:00.003+08:00

hello(:

today's my chinese birthday.(:

The day started out badly because i made a wrong decision and hence,screwed up something
that i had spent alot of effort on. It's kind of ironic because I thought my birthday would bring me luck :( but oh well, at least I got over it(: and the rest of the day went well <3

While i was emo-ing on the way to school, i was thinking about how not being able to " let go" and not "cry over spilt milk" was a big weakness of mine. Whenever I do something wrong, I'll emo and dwell in self-reproach or misery and regret, always trying to climb out of the wrong and be positive again. I have a certain faith in myself that I'll get out of this rough patch , i'll learn from my mistakes and be a better person but yet, there's just this monster crunching away on my negativity in my heart that keeps me frustrated and sad. But, it's just how to cope with my negativity and start afresh. afterall, why live life so negatively , right?(:

let that be something for me to work on(:

2011-08-27T18:35:00.002+08:00

hello(:

today's a wonderful day because two people brightened up my life.

First, I met Ms Tan who passed me my reference letter. Even though she's so busy,
the fact that she could still make time to write for me and give me goes to show much
i mean to her and how much she cares for me.(: It's people like her in my life that
always give me the motivation to go on to do what i want to do and what i believe in doing.

Secondly, there 's this guy. His name is Brandon Ang.
He actually came all the way down from Queenstown to my house , which meant sacrificing precious time as well as braving the cold rainy weather( which he does not like) , just to buy herbal jelly for me because I told him I felt a little sickish cuz I felt heaty and had abit of running nose in the morning due to the cold weather. <3
And he braved the cold rainy weather and sacrificed time again and went back home , after seeing me eat the herbal jelly.
Plus, He did not want me to catch a cold while eating the herbal jelly so he made me wear his jacket.
And He did not want me to accompany him for dinner because he did not want me to be in the cold weather and fall sick. (:
He came down all the way to surprise me also because he was worried for me and because he knew that I was not feeling well and yet had to do housework so he wanted to come and motivate and comfort me.
<3 he's the sweetest boyfriend on Earth, that I could ever have. I was so touched that I
actually cried. <3 (:

When a guy is capable of making me feel so warm, loved , blessed and touched to the extent that I actually cry, I know he's the right guy for me, a guy that I will be sweet to, treasure and appreciate for my whole life.

thanks for the surprise (: (:

2011-08-23T23:06:00.003+08:00

hello (:

life is getting busier, with tutorials kicking in this week.
But, i'm happy. (: Because I feel that I am very blessed to be able to have such good friends which some of them are great company to hang out with in school.

CFE orientation was on Saturday! Looking forward to be a youth mentor :D

Had a meet up with Jinghuan, Alvin and Peng Yong on Sunday :D YLF (: a pity the rest
could not make it! Enjoyed myself alot - sometimes, it's really amazing how our bonds and friendship are still there even after about 3 years- they're a group of people that
I will always remind myself to treasure!

I received a surprise note which brightened up my day(: as well as was there for a very good friend (: sometimes, it's really these simple things that brighten up our life. or rather, brighten up my life.

I will jiayou!

(:

2011-08-13T19:22:00.002+08:00

Thought of the day (:

Sometimes, i find myself being stuck inbetween obligations/expectations of certain roles i have to be and myself. Is it responsibility? Is it maturity?
There's a thin line between doing what one wants and immaturity, just as how there's a thin line between maturity and obligation. When the line becomes blur, how do we reconcile both and mark the boundaries so as to come up with a balance?

2011-08-08T23:32:00.002+08:00

hello!

School is finally going to start very soon!

Suddenly, I really dread it. I actually remember looking forward to it just awhile back
because this semester's going to be really different from the previous semester-
i'm taking 4 modules and I have to juggle 2 additional committments! So, it's funny how something in me just dreads school starting again.

Sometimes, I just want to slack my life away. (: I just wish I had tons of freedom, tons of money, tons of time and a no-matter-what-i-do-i-will-still-be-the-same ability. I want to try all the different kinds of food, play all the different kinds of sport, experience new things, make more people smile and the list goes on. (: But, at the same time, I feel an inertia within me, I feel like I can't bring myself to do so much, I feel very lazy and I don't want to start on anything at all. :(
And THIS is frustrating me.

At this juncture, I need to regain some hope, some optimism, some energy about how bright my future can be and how I should just enjoy life and just do it , just overcome the inertia. I need endurance, I need perseverance, I need faith and most importantly, I need to believe.

It's easier said than done though. Zzzz.

2011-08-04T09:28:00.002+08:00

hello (:

i'm here to update my blog! :D haha i feel motivated to do so after seeing that some people still read my blog.

Anyway, it's the REAL holidays for me now, ever since Tuesday 4pm! (:
The feeling of liberation really rocks and although it's true that I haven't really got many
days for REAL holidays, somehow I'm still optimistic about my holidays and i really treasure every single bit of it. (:

Tuesday was spent celebrating my end of my internship and internship assignment with my bf <3 thanks for the dinner and the food and sharing my fav lime sherbert ice cream and most importantly, for just being there. (:

Wednesday- i went out to swim in the morning! (: Such a wonderful feeling and I think I grew a little tanner! After that went to meet Jasmine and Miss Tan for lunch- it's like been such a long time since I met up with both of them , together (: And at night, I went for dinner with Charm and Dorea <3 oh man i love these 2 girls (: they're like the most valuable present that I got from my internship :D

Anyway, yesterday was a reflective day for me because of my talk with Jasmine.(: I feel that I am really more open to such confrontation style talks now perhaps because of my training in social work , which makes me realize that I will have to learn how to deal with confrontations sooner or later.

To cut the long story short, I shall share about my most important takeaway- about friendship. I feel that I have been subconsciously sucked into the culture of wanting to have many many friends - maybe it's uni life, maybe it's me- but it's something I know since long ago that I do not want because I rather have few friendships that are really strong and deep than many shallow and weak friendships. I feel that I have become greedy- I hanker after what I don't have and end up neglecting or not treasuring what I already have- and in fact, treasuring what I already have is easier because it's there already.

I am going to make a list of friends that I wish to keep for life and make an effort to stay in touch and provide support and encouragement for every one of them.(: And instead of me actively finding such good friends, I shall leave it to fate to see who continues entering my list and who leaves my list, but on my part, I know I have done my part in preserving friendship, things like taking initiative to ask for meetups- i know taking initiative can sometimes be very tiring but i'm fine with it because sometimes all it takes is initiative to make a friendship stronger. (:

2011-07-31T09:44:00.002+08:00

Accepting.
means not just to just blindly accept
but to find out , to process and explore what you think you cannot accept
before making a decision if it's worth it to accept.

Blindly accepting everything without asking why, without asking how come,
or just without knowing what you are really accepting
is just going to lead to chaos at the end.

2011-07-27T22:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes, i feel tired.
sometimes, the disgusting surge of emotions run through me
insecurity, fear, sadness, annoyance, helplessness
it's irritating because everytime i get through this emotions and feel that i have conquered them,
they return again and again.

and then i think..
perhaps this is how life should be?
perhaps this is how living should be like?
there's no way that someone can not feel negative emotions in his/her whole life,
or at least that's what i believe.
because life is about balance, balancing two opposite ends of everything.
we want something but it might affect another thing and so what happens? we need to find a balance , which when we can't , we become indecisive and we sometimes get so frustrated we make the wrong decisions.

while life is about balance,
life is also about choices.
we choose how we want to think, how we want to feel , what we want to do.
It's true that sometimes the things we want to choose are beyond our control
but what we can do is to focus on what we can choose.

choose to be contented, choose to cherish, choose to treasure
choose to stay happy, choose to be who we are, choose to live life to the fullest
choose whatever we can choose because sometimes, the best things in life come from being
able to make choices for ourselves.(:

2011-07-26T17:06:00.002+08:00

hello(:

i realized it's been a long time since i've updated this blog.

well, firstly, placement is over! Good and bad. But what's irking me the most is the assignment
that i have to do by next week :( Sian. But, oh well, what has to be done has to be done, it's just a matter of sooner or later, i guess.

Because of this assignment, i feel pretty restrained in terms of going out with friends and yea,
enjoying the little bit of holidays that i have. The funny thing is that I know once I finish my assignment, I can do that but sigh. i'm a born procrastinator la.

Yesterday was fantastic(: to be able to enjoy it without a worry in the world and having the best company in the world just makes me smile. <3

I've been hooked on idol dramas recently.. yea.. a little amazing because i don't let myself
get hooked on idol dramas recently but ta-dah here i am, hooked on them :D
perhaps it's just my tired soul looking for comfort in the virtual romantic world,
to pull myself away from the work of reality.

Jiayou people!(:

2011-07-16T23:22:00.003+08:00

hello(:

i'm blogging a quick post here (:
because i'm basking in the sweetness of the idol drama Love Keeps Going :D
yup, i know , it's rare for me to follow an idol drama
but i find this drama very captivating (:
and i find some similarities between me and the female character in the show (:
it's important to live for myself and live knowing what I like and what I want.
sometimes, i get too caught up in the ideal of living of others that I neglect my needs and wants
so that's something i need to be realistic and balance.

today's volunteer development session was fantastic!(:
i'm so happy that we pulled it off and everyone appeared to enjoy it (:
i'm glad i managed to make improvement (: and i actually managed to draw people's attention(:
it's a little nolstagic, knowing that this is the last working opportunity the three of us have with FeiYue..
10 weeks.. of fun, laughter, smiles and love :)
one of the best experiences of my life,
something to look back upon with a smile,
thanks to everyone in -p180 and FeiYue youth division
and of course, especially
my two irreplaceable splendid placement mates!!
Charmaine and Dorea <3

i feel thankful. (:

2011-06-28T22:21:00.002+08:00

Anger and frustration can be such a scary thing.. it creeps into you, fills your whole body with boiling rage and it's really your willpower that keeps you from exploding...
but then you get choked with emotion, you get suffocated by the possibly consequences of different actions...you feel maimed by these consequences - you wish you could let everything out but you know that it's not what you really want when you have cooled down...anger makes people do stupid things , things that they regret and i'm not going to fall into that trap.

But, no one's perfect. Anger affects the way I speak, the expression on my face, the irritation in my tone and simply how I communicate. And after all these have happened, guilt starts to creep in- thoughts such as " have i been too harsh? was i too overbearing? " start popping up in my head. Yet, ironically, the victim's supposed to be me.. or is it? Or is it just a different perspective I'm taking from you? I know you're worried, you're anxious, you're stressed too. I keep my temper in check because I knew this. And yet, i suppress my own emotions of stress .. i start thinking if I have been doing things right, about whether I have handled things and myself well.

Sometimes, at these points, I feel so overwhelmed that helplessness crawls in too and i just feel like bursting out in tears because it's always at this vulnerable moments that because i think i'm just being too complicated, no one understands or rather, no one will bother to really understand. let's face it, this is MY own issue and something that only I can deal with it.

Recently, I have been thinking about what I want in my life. I know that I am a fortunate girl with many blessings in my life and yet when I look at others, when I look at what's happening at another end, I feel small and I feel that I want what they have too. But, is that really a want? Or is it a human desire to win, to be competitive and greedy ? It should be the latter, right? It takes courage to live your life the way you want it to be, and it takes wisdom to be sure about what you want in life and achieve it/be contented with it as you live life , to stay happy. (:

Life is so fragile. I want to treasure it, I don't need to prove my life to anyone, I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I don't need to feel small , insecure and not liked. Even if I'm really not liked, even if I'm outcasted, even if I'm a nobody, does that mean I can't be happy in life? Does that mean I'm to be labelled as a failure for the rest of my life? No, life doesn't work that way. Being happy is a choice. Even when you don't feel appreciated or loved enough, always believe that somehow you will be appreciated and loved again by another person. (: No matter what we go through, as long as we can make choices, we can choose to be happy, to live life happily.

Intellectual and simple. I like that description. (:

2011-06-18T23:10:00.002+08:00

hello(:

it's been a good week for me (:

Slack moments, tiring moments, exercise, thought-provoking moments
but i feel that the most impactful event of the week is the end of GP!

It's really been an amazing experience and i am truly very thankful for a bunch of wonderful youths and 2 very fantastic colleagues to work with :) It's as if my passion for making a difference in someone's life rekindled again -the smiles they brought to my face, the bright smiles that I see on their face, the growing hope in me that really wants them to do well for their future -- I never thought I'd really like this group of youths and even feel touched by their words of affirmation. (: It's as if I participated in their growing up process and they've graduated.. Although I know that there's a limit to the impact of GP or even my influence, I just hope that they'll remember me and keep my card of affirmation and encouragement and read it in their sad and discouraged times. (: They make me want to work with youths, they make me understand that sometimes it's just really going down to their level or appreciating and understanding them as who they are and not judging them but treating them with respect . (:

I still remember smiling all the way home on the MRT over the affirmation... it's a warm fuzzy feeling and a feeling i want to remember forever. (:

And of course,without my two fantastic partners, I could have never obtained such a steep learning curve (: Without the rapport with them, I will not have enjoyed GP that much... (:

Mixed feelings-- that's what I have at every end of a bond that I build with people.. happy yet sad... but thankful that in my life, i had such an experience (:

I really want to keep smiling and influence people to smile , influence them that we can live life positively and there's hope in life. (: In a way, this helped rekindle my passion for social work.. to give hope (: I just need to be who I am, be the smiley girl I want to be around people and do my best for them :D I know there's only so much I can do but I want to make sure I do my best (:

That's how life is, I guess.. there's always constraints and obstacles but there's something we can always do-- stay positive and do our best :)

Anyway, had an interesting conversation about christianity and religion..which did get me thinking a little about my religious orientation.As of now, i want to be a free-thinker and not bounded by any religious rules. I welcome change but I want to be in control(:

2011-06-15T09:57:00.002+08:00

Hello!(:

I'm blogging now because i want to take a break before i start all my work.

So far, placement life has been good :) The only thing to possibly complain about is that i don't have alot of cases but in other areas, the exposure is good, the environment is great and the people are super nice and my placement mates are fantastic :D About 4 more weeks to go.. I feel like I must really buck up and make the most of the time left for me.

Anyway, yesterday I finally went exercising again, walked for 11 km! o.O my legs were aching like hell yesterday and I was out for like 14 hours? But, it was a really fruitful and fufilling day, this I must admit :D

I had APT meeting yesterday, my first APT meeting.. It was a little alarming for me because while i joined for personal reasons, i had never thought about the team I was going to be placed in and when I got to know them, all of them are really professional and have more experience than me in this area of project management. I feel the sense of inadequacy that I should use as a motivation to spur me on. I actually questioned myself about whether I made the right decision to go for this thing but then when I did that, I realised that that was an act of cowardice.. i was giving up because I felt that I lacked confidence.. but the reason for me joining was to learn and hence, since I made the decision to be in it, I will do my best and believe and see for myself, what I can achieve :D

So yes, the rest of the week will be pretty busy.. but i'll persevere =)

2011-06-01T22:24:00.003+08:00

hello (:

i'm feeling really tired now- these few days have been really tiring :(
but i'm happy that i had busy but fufilling days :D

travelling is really really tiring :( and expensive too!
I realised a new type of bliss- getting able to be cabbed back and just resting and sleeping in the cab :D

i always thought i was non-judgemental and very client-centred
but today's esu session proved me wrong. i guess i really need to explore about what aspects of me are really not what i think i am =/

Anyway, i met up with people that i haven't seen for a super long time yesterday!
I guess fate really works in the most unexpected ways but i'm glad for it(: i realise that there does seem to be a reason for the order of things that happen in my life and life is all about looking ahead, not just about looking back because what's past is already past, what's in the future should be cherished(: And yes, i have signed up for the youth mentoring! Peer pressure? ( I'm the perpetrator haha:D ) Well, i guess it's because i was logically thinking it out that i'm not sure if i will want to go for exchange next year and i'll definitely want to focus on my honours for my fourth year which leaves me with this year that i'm most free from july to dec and that is why i should go for my youth mentoring programme. (:

And i think it's mainly because i had always wanted to be a mentor involved in a mentoring programme as i feel that it's really one of the most meaningful mentoring activities ever because you really get to reach out to someone and make a difference in his/her life. (: I had just been too lazy and busy to really go achieve this vision of mine and now that this chance has presented itself to me, i feel that i should treasure it or else, i might regret it. So, i must tell myself that:
Lyon, you better buck up in your time management!(:

Anyway, i had such a tramautic experience today whereby i actually felt like fainting while in the toilet in the midst of a terrible stomachache :( And when i mean felt like fainting, i really meant what i said- i experienced vision blurness, nausea , weakness and all the symptoms that i felt everytime i feel like blacking out. And i even resorted to drinking tap water because i was too weak to move out of the toilet and i didn't want to faint in the toilet:( After which ,i mastered all my strength to go out and get something sweet to eat. I gradually recovered and felt better except that the weak feeling remained - it was really tramautic because i felt really alone and really scared that i was going to faint anytime and it was really mustering all my strength and willpower to keep myself sane and to carry on preparing to go out for work even in my fainting state. And the most weird question that i kept asking myself was how did i even manage to feel this way when i was in the toilet with a stomachache? :( Regardless of what it was, i really hope it never comes back because the feeling was so super awful. :(

but luckily i managed to survive the rest of the day until now, when i'm back home(:

i feel like doing work but i'm so tired T.T i think i'll go sleep because tomorrow's another long long day.

smile(:

2011-05-28T11:14:00.003+08:00

sometimes, happiness does not have to be what we achieved or wanted, it is how we view the world in a different manner, to be content about the things around us. (:

someone left this comment on my egen blog- meishappy.egen.sg ( my another blog ) :D
and i felt that it was really meaningful so i want to share it (:

There are so many choices in our life for us to make and sometimes , when the choices we make leave us feeling insecure or negative, we should look at why we made those choices-
everything happens for a reason.

For example, my social work attachment made me sacrifice chances of trying out OGL /counsellor roles in camp together with my o'week camp people and even bonding with them and making new friends through camps. Yes, I am feeling a little sore about it , afterall, who wouldn't like to bond with friends and make new friends and enjoy the games and fun activities? Even though this was something that I sort of intentionally made it happen ( because i chose to take my social work placement this holiday), still i feel a tinge of regret and as much as i would like to try and crash here and there, i just feel too tired from my placement to even move out of my house and travel, especially when i have loads of undone work for my placement.

But, taking it from a different perspective, i realise that instead of feeling sore about not being able to join my friends or being too drained to crash here and there, i should be feeling happy that i have the weekend to rest, whereby i do not need to wake up at 7 plus in the morning and i can slack and sleep whenever i want. (: i should be happy that i can stay at home and accompany my brother who's also back for the weekend and eat lunch and dinner with my family. (: I should be happy for time to slack and just enjoy a leisure life because that's what i feel like doing. (: I guess it's called following your heart and believing in the reason for making this decision. By staying at home, i can save on my transport fees too - yay save money since i feel like im making a loss- $10 per day T.T And I'm also really happy I took my placement this semester holidays because I got to have it at such a wonderful place with 2 very wonderful placement mates that i cherish alot. (: I wouldn't want anything to change because I feel really lucky to have everything I have now and to be going through this placement experience with such a open mind and meeting really wonderful new people.

So, sometimes in life, it's really not about the things that we cannot have when we make some decisions, it's about why we made those decisions and it's about how we see the decisions we make in life- in a different perspective and like what i shared above, to be content with the things around us. (:

we cannot have everything we want but we can choose to be happy for what we have. (:

2011-05-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

I AM HAPPY. (:

I AM SO HAPPY TO BE PLACEMENT MATES WITH CHARMAINE AND DOREA =D

YAY(:

i am tired, i'll elaborate another time :D

2011-05-19T22:08:00.002+08:00

hello.

i'm currently feeling pretty horrible now.

I believe it's the coffee that I drank just now that amplified negative feelings within me from not-so-good incidents. Rahh.

I made a mistake today. Oh well, yea mistakes happen, they are inevitable and therefore, I should not be too harsh on myself. Sometimes, while your mind is really positive and everything, your heart just doesn't follow it. You just feel a little... down. Normal I guess- everyone has their down moments. It is during times like this that I wish my heart and brain could be synchronized.

I feel like blogging so much but then, I don't know what to blog, how to spill out the headache and down feelings I'm suffering from now. I think a good sleep will be the best remedy. (:

Don't get me wrong, I'm not deterred by today's negativity. There is still positivity in the negativity that I am truly thankful for. But, it's just that I need to face myself amidst the negativity to grow and be a stronger person.

I must not let irrational beliefs and thoughts secretly creep into me and cloud my perceptions.

Goodnight and I believe that tomorrow will be a better day. (=

2011-05-17T22:23:00.002+08:00

hello(:

here to drop a quick post because i know there are some people out there like my godbrother who looks forward to getting updated on my life =D

Anyway, it's my 2nd week into field placement!
Apart from the tiring work hours and travelling, I must say that I'm kind of looking forward to everyday because of all the new things that I can learn. (: I know it will get busier and busier but I'm all charged up and ready for it!

there are times when i feel so overwhelmed and lost in all the theories and knowledge about social work and even anxious when i do not seem to have enough to keep myself busy for now. but these are all normal fears and obstacles, ultimately i must have faith and acknowledge that every moment is a moment for learning, regardless of what i am actually doing.

(; i enjoyed today <3

jiayou!

2011-05-07T10:55:00.002+08:00

hello(:

it's the 3rd day of my 4 day holiday (:

i'm really happy with how i spent the past 2 of my precious holidays =) tiring but satisfyingly happy and so , i'm here to blog about them to keep them as memories for the future(:

i already blogged about what happened on thursday so i shall blog about what happened yesterday!

:D

The day started with meeting HuiKee and Jasmine for CYCLING! :D It's been so long since I cycled! I love cycling (: Just feeling the wind in your face and feeling so free to do anything I want, travel anywhere I want to or just shouting out to the world that EXAMS ARE OVER-- FREEDOM :D I want to cycle again soon! :D

The only bad thing was the horrible bicycle seat that made our butts sore -.- AND the scorching sun! I'm now tanned unevenly cuz I wore a t-shirt- SIGH. haha(: but nevertheless, to just chill and exercise( after so long) and talking while cycling, laughing over the double bike and single bike and all of us longing for cold drinks after everything was over was simply - a very very happy outinG(: Had lunch at jacks place after that and I bought my jeans , like finally! I think I'm spending rather impulsively for the past 2 days- i believe it's liberation euphoria and the sad fact that I have to go for attachment for 10 weeks, starting from monday , which means no time to do much stuff T.T Anyway, because I had another outing after that, we couldn't go and sing:( but but but I'm looking forward to our next singing outing and maybe ice-skating outing! :D

Talking about primary school stuff, secondary school stuff and simply just chatting and catching up makes me feel very happy about our friendship - it's about 7 years friendship with jasmine and a decade of friendship with huikee! and I hope our friendship lasts all the way <3

And so I rushed home after that to bathe and change and prepare for my next outing with the NUSPA people! :D Rebecca, Xueting, LiangCe, Sean, Ericssen (: Although I didn't participate much in the meetings and didn't get to know some of them well, I'm really happy I went for this outing cuz I realise that we can all click quite well :D They are nice people to go out with(: and YES I can't wait for the time whereby junya is back and the 4 of us can have an outing and go sing! :)

Anyway, we went clarke quay to eat and we actually went Zirca(: haha it's like a first time experience to see how clubbing is like, although I didn't get to see because I left rather early. And that was because my dear boyfriend who was worried about me came all the way , ps-ed his friends for movie and even spent money on entering the club even though he thought going clubs are a waste of money , just to make sure I was safe and to send me home <3 <3 I think a balance between personal wants and thinking for each other is going to last us through our lifetime <3

And so, that concludes my second day of holiday! Today's the third day(: Slacking at home now and perhaps looking at my placement stuff. >< And then going to visit my cousin at the hospital. And there's an outing with carine huiting weijie huiming daniel and brandon ang later! (: Can't wait :D

Keep smiling people (:

2011-05-05T23:04:00.002+08:00

YES!!! FINALLY LIBERATION =D

i love the smell of liberation and although it's like only for a few days since attachment starts next monday...

BUT LIBERATION IS STILL LIBERATION ^^ :)

happy happy (:

and i heard that my supervisor is very good! :D YAY!

i really enjoyed today! Social work outing at VIVO (: alot of talking, playing monopoly deal, saboteur and laughing and shopping!!! :D such a shiok lifestyle, like seriously! :D
Able to just enjoy and slack without feeling any nagging urge to study (: seriously fantastic!

And next met up with godbro! (: Talk, walk and talk :D thanks for rationalizing with me and making me feel better about my impulsive buying HEHE. and congrats for the improvement!! all the best, godsis will be rooting for you!

im determined to enjoy the rest of my days (:

smile people :D

YAY TMR CYCLING AND LUNCH AND MAYBE SINGING AND OUTING AT NIGHT ! :D

2011-05-01T07:58:00.002+08:00

Damn it. 2 more freaking papers to go
and this two are like the most important papers to me
and yet i feel so unmotivated and so sian of studying :(

i've been really slack for exams this time
and while i feel guilty and worried,
i still succumb to temptations over and over again.

perhaps i'm just sick of studying.
i don't know.

i admire people who can really discipline themselves to chiong all the way
and while some part of me feels that YES I CAN DO IT TOO
another part just overpowers it and says that YAH RIGHT OF COZ YOU CAN'T DO IT.

Perseverance is tiring.
;(

ARGH.

it's good living in self-denial sometimes.

i can't find that spark i had in me to study for social work. whyyyyyyyy.
why is it that when you have your direction in life there for you , you get complacent and get lost in it.
do i just need encouragement or is it scolding that i need?

SIGH such a depressing post and I suspect that when I really feel like giving up,
I probably might just do the bare minimum and believe in my luck.
that's what i did once, i didn't really study and i tried to use my psychological approach.
BUT ARGH. :( pathetic me :(

siannn. i just feel like ranting on and on
but i still have a sensible mind that's constantly bugging me for what a failure i have become

and so don't worry, i guess i'll force myself to study ... somehow.

I WANT THURSDAY TO COME NOW :'( SOBS.

2011-04-27T09:29:00.002+08:00

hello(:

just felt like blogging a quick post before i start to mug for my third paper(:

The past 2 papers have not been good but at least i did my best(: Sometimes, exams are all about luck and fate.

Can't wait for exams to be over, like seriously.

jiayou jiayou(:

2011-04-17T14:56:00.003+08:00

hello(:

here i am, feeling very blessed and happy,using my laptop on a Sunday afternoon(: don't get me wrong, i'm still very much concerned and stressed over my exams that are arriving in less than one week but sometimes, it's really good to take a break in the midst of exams :D i'm so glad i organized yday's YLF outing(: as a farewell outing for py, a mini bday surprise outing and just a simple outing to catch up, enjoy and have fun(:

it's been quite long since i laughed so hard, since i felt like i could just do anything that i feel like doing, say anything that i feel like saying, that sense of freedom, knowing that i'll still be accepted even when i get thick skinned and ask for treats and self-praise blah blah :D i just felt very "me" (: just be who i am and how i feel like i want myself to be, not that i'm not myself normally but the sense of happiness and enjoyment i feel is really undescribable (: yes, a very warm feeling and i really adore that feeling so very very much (:

It kind of relieved certain stress issues of mine recently, and here i am realising once ever again that it does'nt really matter whether you are highly popular or you have alot of friends or the opposite of that, because ultimately, it's being yourself and being happy that really matters(: I have people there who care for me and I shouldn't be blinded by certain irrational wants or beliefs or else, i won't be treasuring them enough (: and having said this many times to my godbro, i realise once again that as long as i have at least one person in my life who cares, i can't say no one cares and i can't say i am alone or disliked (: and i am a blessed girl cuz i definitely have people in my life who care for me, accept me for who i am.

so yes i'm really glad i had yday's outing with YLF <3 it's really amazing how despite always coming from different backgrounds and different lives, we're still able to click together (: I'll always treasure this affirnity(: thankyou<3

and thanks dear<3 for coming all the way from home to dhoby gaut at night just to send me home cuz you were worried for my safety on the way home(: you're another one that i must always thank and treasure very dearly too <3

i feel more motivated to study hard now(: jiayou!!!

2011-04-14T08:28:00.002+08:00

hello world(:

Reflective morning today. I got up early, thinking of going to jog to let my hair grow faster but ended up just doing random stuff during my morning jog/walk outside, as well as having my normal reflective sessions with myself. It's been my way of handling pent up emotions and troubles and blah blah ever since sec sch days. It's pretty therapeutic (:

because my neighbourhood's where I grew up , having happy memories and just simply enjoy life.

I do wish, at times, that life can just be as simple as our childhood days, whereby we have weaker cognitive and physical abilities and even social abilities, when everything is just an interesting exploration.

i've been plagued by bouts of insecurities and stress recently, leaving me feeling rather unsettled and tired. And when I try to pick myself up, I unknowingly fall into it again.

Perhaps I haven't matured yet.
That's why I still struggle with irrational beliefs planted in me from the past. That's why I still struggle to reason with myself , handle my childish thoughts and even feeling responsible and guilty for everything. It seems like a riddle to me, so when will my riddle ever be solved?

But, I'll try. I'll try to grow up and mature. I'll try to see myself for who I truly am, see life for what it truly is, appreciate and treasure and cherish more. (:

I'll try to be a happy girl who can determine and decide my feelings by my own, instead of an insecure and inferior girl who always feels affected by others.

2011-04-12T22:28:00.003+08:00

I am TIRED.

but yay, finally the last assignment for semester 2 is done!(: the final hurdle left- EXAMS!

i can't wait for exams to finish!! It's robbing me of my mood to do everything else EXCEPT STUDY. yah i know that's very ideal during exam period but still, studying sucks :( oh well.

When exams finish, I'll make sure I really get to enjoy myself and buy stuff and watch movies and blah blah blah (: and i have an overseas trip to look forward too! (: but for now, I feel so exhausted, I think i'll go and sleep (:

goodnight.

anyway, just came across this phrase that means something like, you should not be sad over losing something/someone, you should feel happy that you once had it/him/her. suddenly makes me feel like i should treasure and be happy for all the people i have in my life :)

2011-04-10T21:59:00.002+08:00

hello(: i just suddenly felt like blogging, but yes, I know I should be studying hard for the upcoming exams. Sigh. While studying downstairs just now, memories of how I used to mug for exams in school last time just suddenly came back to me. I'm pretty glad I'm in university actually, at least I have lesser such mugging moments. So for those studying for Alevels, hang in there k!(: Especially godbro, jiayou! :D Feeling quite happy now because my soulmate updated me on her life again<3 can't wait to meet her after exams la! :D she always makes me realise the simple things in life, like having dreams and goals and pursuing them ,just being content with what you have or just leading life the way you want to lead it, a simple nice life that doesn't need to have much glamour or crowd, but just true good quality relationships. (: I realised I do have some irrational thoughts and beliefs( i shan't reveal them here) and I feel that I should start making an effort in getting rid of them. But, oh well, everyone's problematic and bound to have some irrationalities (: I feel that I should be very content with what I have. (: Yet, sometimes, it's really human nature to be greedy. Question is how to strike a balance? I guess I need to try to find an answer. jiayou people, especially you <3

2011-04-06T21:39:00.004+08:00

i just need a place to rant. and i'm thankful i have this blog that has accompanied me for about 6 to 7 years(: i hate it when i have to pretend everything's okay. when i have to control the emotions in me that just feel like bursting out, that suffocates me and engulfs me and just pisses me off. I hate it when I feel so selfish and yet so tortured at the same time, torn between what i don't want to do and what I have to do. I hate it how I'm feeling so horrible about this when I know there are much worse scenarios and things I could feel horrible about. I hate it when I can't express the degree of my feelings. I hate it when I don't feel that I have gotten the kind of understanding that I want. but don't worry, amidst all the hateful things in life, I still know there are positive things out there for me to cherish(: it's just that I'm in a hateful mood now.

2011-04-06T08:31:00.002+08:00

Morning(: My SIM card is screwed up and i have to go down to a starhub service centre outlet to replace it, so for now , I'm temporarily uncontactable. It's times like these whereby I truly realise my dependence on my handphone, for communication and my clock :( I hope it'll be fine , with the replacement SIM card. (: Social work people are really very nice. Haha from the discussion on the fb page, the questions posed and how people answered, to even the simplest things like helping each other out during lecture, it just makes me feel so warm and happy to be part of the social work family (: I feel a little stressed with the upcoming 2105 assignment deadline next tuesday as well as the looming exams in a few weeks time. But, somehow , life has taught me that no matter how many things can come at one time or one after each other, it'll all be fine in the end... if not it's not the end yet. (: Sometimes, I wish I didn't have that high expectations of myself. When someone asks you not to think about something and you continue thinking about it, is it your fault? Technically it should be your fault because you did something that you should not be doing.. But then again, who can really be the judge of your actions? Unless it's morally incorrect, like committing a crime. Could it be the fault of the other person cause what should be done should be to address the issue and talk about it and not shelve it away by not thinking about it? But, it's not fair to the other person too because the other person could have meant well by saying that. So, at the end of the day, it still seems to be your fault, because you're responsible for your own actions. Depressingly true. Change is probably needed.

2011-03-30T23:46:00.002+08:00

hello (: i suddenly feel like posting a short blog post before I go to sleep. Today has been a super tiring day. I slept only 3-4 hours last night due to SW2101 report and i woke up early just to go to my father's office to print, which after that I practically ran half of my journey home( excluding bus ride) just in case I'll be late for school and submission. I was so glad when I submitted until I realised I did one part wrongly. =( Argh. That tramautised me for the whole afternoon. But, oh well it was still my fault in not knowing about that so I just have to work doubly hard for finals I guess! But, I did some reflection about social work for today. Recently, I've been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by social work. It seems harder than I imagined, more challenging than I thought would be and I always end up feeling frustrated because I can't meet my expectations for social work. However, I realised that the road to achieveing what you want is always not easy and it's really something that you have to grit your teeth and fight for. I might not be the best student but I want to at least be a student that gives my best(: I guess for social work, because I'm learning about a profession, I'll be proficient at it one day so I just need to keep the faith. Anyway, thankyou to Brandon Ang for coming down to paya lebar to accompany me tonight. <3 I know it's because you wanted to cheer me up and comfort me(: I appreciate it loads. Sometimes, in life there's no need to aim for the best, no need to aim for everything , just aim for what you want. just aim for something that will make you happy. (:

2011-03-26T10:14:00.001+08:00

i'm feeling horrible :(

horrible horrible horrible:(

feeling v moody, angsty and irritated with everything nowwwwwwwww...

sorethroat, fever, cough n plghem - I HATE ALL OF YOU

SO PLEASE GET OUT OF MY LIFE NOWWW

SO I CAN DO MY REPORT IN PEACE :(

2011-03-25T10:02:00.002+08:00

morning!

haha i'm just blogging a quick post here to rant about the fact that I'm sick and that I have many things to do, including a 10 page social report due by next wednesday 12pm.

i've been sick since wednesday :( down with fever and sorethroat which lead to side effects such as headache and bodyaches and occasional bouts of nausea. Horrible feeling that makes me feel like dying each time I experience all of those symptoms when I have a high fever.

AHHHH. i just don't feel like doing any work :( especially since my sore throats really bad and i cringe everytime when i swallow :( and i feel so weak la ZZZZ. SIGH. What a bad time to fall sick, seriously.

HAIZ. but okay la, don't worry I'm still surviving (: I know the pain and suffering I'm going through cannot be compared to other people who have more serious illnesses or other people in other parts of the world. So, I'm not very very depressed about the state that I'm in.

Positively thinking, one of the good things about being sick is that I can lose some weight without doing anything. ( i hope) :) but yes, I know that's a screwed up logic. And at least I have people who care for me(:

Especially brandon ang<3 thanks for accompanying me the past 2 days even though I was quite sick and might spread my sickness to you. Really appreciated it(:

I hope my sickness goes away SOON. or rather, please let my SORE THROAT disappear!
I suspect that's the root cause of my recurring fever. Horrible sore throat!!!:(

okok i shall put a stop to my ranting.

JIAYOU to all sw2101 pple who are chionging their report too!(:

2011-03-23T07:42:00.003+08:00

morning(:

i'm blogging now because my two busiest days are over! Although there's still alot of things to be done over the next few days, at least I feel like I can take a short breather. (: I cannot wait for 1st April to come- LIBERATION from all tests and assignments( or at least I hope so)

22.3.2011

Yesterday was Brandon Ang's 22nd birthday! (: And I'm so glad that all my 2 surprises and gifts turned out well. For friday's surprise, I must really thank kat for coordinating with me to make it possible! :D I was actually worrying about yesterday's surprise because there seemed to be unexpected changes, but luckily everything turned out fine(: Better than I thought! Thanks to all those who came for his celebration (: More than what I expected- and some even had to rush down, wasn't feeling well but still came, had project meeting and had to rush off and being late for tutorial- I shan't mention names but you all know who you are(: I was really touched at the effort to still come down for Brandon's bday celebration. AND of course those who promised that they would come! (: Really happy to see all of you again! :D ( Especially since I was the main organizer( first time being the main organizer of a bday surprise, setting up a facebook event somemore leh!) Even though I feel a little guilty at ponning abit of my lecture, but oh well I'm glad I did.(: I wasn't planning to pon the lecture in the first place but subsequently some changes made me feel like i should pon a bit of the lecture. I feel lucky that I have social work friends that help me carry my bag while I went to Holland V to get the cake as well as letting me copy the notes from the lecture:) Somehow even though I was planning for Brandon , I felt strangely blessed by the people who helped me and came for the celebration and hence, I must say a BIG THANKYOU again!

Anyway, Brandon Ang's a lucky boy yesterday cuz he received another present from godbro Hidayat on the way home(: Thankyou too for spending an hour specially to look for a present for him :) And for travelling down all the way to Buona Vista despite this week being your block test week!:) Really very nice of you! (:

And of course I gave him my present afterwards(: though it was simple, it was sweet( or at least I think so :D ) haha. I'm glad I managed to make him feel happy and blessed on his 22nd birthday because that was how he made me feel too on my 19th birthday (:

I hope all his wishes come true<3

OKayy, enough attention given to Brandon Ang (:

i know there's alot of things to be done this coming week so I must jiayou jiayou jiayou(:

2011-03-09T08:31:00.003+08:00

helllooooo(:

yesterday was a damn crazily busy day and i probably didn't really have any rest time, time whereby i was doing nothing( at most half an hour) all the way from 7am in the morning to 12 midnight T.T
but somehow i like busy days(= they give me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after i'm done with them. feels like you really lived your day to the fullest (: but i can't handle every day being a busy day though T.T feeling rather lethargic now cuz my brain kept thinking about some matters the whole night and i couldn't get a good proper sleep -.-

anyway, some highlights of yesterday!

Midterm test!
Oh well. i think i did my best. it was generally quite okayyy BUT i think i made some errors already:( sighhh but never mind(: i will work harder for exam!

6th month anniversary!
So sorry i wasn't there to spend the day with you >< But i'm really glad and happy that you love my presents alot and the surprise<3 it makes all the effort worthwhile, seriously(:

MPS!
Now, this was the highlight of the day.
For the first time in my life, I attended the Meet-The-People session! Quite an interesting and eye-opening experience and I was too busy absorbing as much information i could get- really overwhelming but in a good way(: I felt so enriched and empowered after the whole session, excluding the fact that I was already half dead -.- but at the same time, i felt ashamed of myself in so many aspects. The financial aspect, the decision-making aspect and ultimately, the aspect of the role of a social worker that i'm going to take on. Procrastination and everything probably made me feel ashamed, but i will work harder! Oh and social work people are really nice(: I'm really liking them alot!

Anyway, had a chat with a group of social work peers yesterday over lunch when some mentioned their desire to do so much things in life. And last night, over the phone , you told me about working harder to get rich in the future to drive away financial woes. I suddenly realised about my lack of ambition in my life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because I probably won't see the need to change and start being a super pumped up ambitious person. But, I just suddenly felt a little puzzled as to why I don't have much amibition in life. I understand that it's important to do well in life and live your life to the fullest but perhaps it's the goal that tires me out. Okay, maybe I'm a really lazy person. But, I feel that what's most important in life is to just live a simple life being happy , not 100% happy but feeling happy that you're doing what you like, that you have people around you there for you and that you're there for them too. But, I don't deny that having these large dreams in life really make you feel that you never lived your life in vain and that's why sometimes I struggle as to which perspective I should take. But, ultimately, I always think that what will come will come. Just do your best and live with a clear conscience and chances for success will come, chances for new ways of life will come. Probably , the problem with me leading a very goal-oriented life is that I'm afraid of failure? Learning about defence mechanisms yesterday made me realise how many people are afraid of change or cope with change and stress. Or maybe I don't always equate success to happiness, unless my happiness brings about success? Frankly, while I seem sure of my reasons on the surface, I have no idea if they are really my reasons or just defence mechanisms to explain my fear of certain things. Everything boils down to choices , actually. If only people could think more , could be more competent decision makers... we probably will not see so many people in trouble.

i guess for now, I just need to keep searching, and like what everyone says, follow your heart.

But one thing I know I'm sure of is that I'll already be very contented and happy living my whole life as a social worker because everyday I know my efforts are going to impact a person's life in a way or another. I know I have to keep facing challenges and keep improving myself to be a better social worker because in social work, I believe there's no BEST social worker , but there's only the BEST social worker one can be. I'll aim to strive for that. (:

i realise that life has so much to offer. i mean there's so many choices to make, so many things to choose from to add colour to your life and relationships to sustain happiness. But , the realistic thing is that we can't choose everything. Yes,we can aim to try to get everything but for what? Will we really be happy? Sometimes I think why we want to try to get everything is because we see different people doing different things and they all seem to be happy and hence, we want to try getting everything to get all the happiness,to prove a certain sense of achievement and capability. But, will we really be happy? Or will we become lost in our busy lives, not sure why we're taking so much on, not sure what we're actually going to feel happy or feeling lost about? For life to be meaningful, we shouldn't be lost in our lives, we should search and explore for what we really will be happy doing. The choices that will really make us happy. Life is not about proving anything to anyone, is not about comparing lives with other people, is not about getting the best and getting everything- life is about just living it happily. We only have one life. Shouldn't we spend it on things we really want, things that will make us really happy? Living for the sake of being the best will really be so tiring because you'll never going to be contented. You'll keep asking for more and more , up to a point, you'll be unable to take everything on anymore and you won't know what really mattered to you in the beginning. People who lead their life knowing what they want to achieve, not achieve to prove anything , but achieve because they know it'll make them happy, are the happiest in life. (: And I know I want to be in that category.

There were so many times whereby i struggled with decisions, influenced by other people. Times whereby I longed for recognition and achievement , times whereby I longed for things that I didn't have. Times whereby I had recognition , I had achievement, I had so much more than other people but now loooking back on those times, I wasn't happy because I had so much, I was at most, feeling abit of pride but pride came with a price of sacrifice and fatigue. Contradictions in life. People always say try new things for the experience and if that was really true, we should try everything because we want to get so many experiences and then , there comes the question of happiness- should we try things for the sake of trying them because we want to get an experience out of them? or should we try things not just for experience, but knowing we have an interest in them and we'll regret it not trying because it would have changed our life significantly and made us happy?

2011-03-02T21:45:00.002+08:00

ahhhhh. i seem to be using my blog as a dumping ground for all my random thoughts but nvm la hor, that's what a blog is for.(:

i'm tired. tired of thinking , tired of trying to find out why i'm feeling what i'm feeling, tired of everything that's been making me feel down recently. sometimes i just want to go and sleep ,cuz i know i'll feel much better after i wake up in the morning. yes, that's such a pathetic thought ?

i've been thinking. is it expectations or is it just me? but then again. why is it me? am i too used to putting blame on myself or is it that it's really just me? i don't know. i don't know what i'm feeling and to tell the truth, i'm abit scared of what i'm feeling because i don't know how to answer for what i'm feeling. i don't know why i'm not feeling like how i used to feel. i don't know if i'm really not feeling what i used to feel. well, yes i can always put this whole episode aside and continue being my happy girl.. but what if it comes back again? i feel that it will. cuz it did before. i feel so stuck and guiltily angry for being stuck. but trust me when i say it's not anyone's fault. somehow at the end of the day, it all seems to be my own fault.

sometimes i'm tired of thinking too much for people.
but dun wry , despite this thought, i know that to be able to think for people is a gift. chong siang demonstrated this to me 4 years ago and it's something that i'll never forget. (:

anw, today was quite a good day(:

2011-03-01T23:09:00.002+08:00

okay i'm back for another listing thoughts down post! (:
but this will be more positive .

back to my cousin's case, i think escapisim as a parent is freaking immature. I mean, fine, all of us probably has some form of escapism tendencies, but for a parent to have it towards her child, to not care for her child just because she does not want to deal with all the different problems that the child, i just think it's shocking. Perhaps I'm judging the parent too soon, like she might have her own problems to cope with, but then there's always a way out of it, it's just a matter of how much effort you want to try. and i suddenly realised that there's a difference between hearing that someone has a boyfriend and thinking about why someone has a boyfriend. =/
i just hope this could be a blessing in disguise. (:

anyway, thankyou godbro for sharing some of your thoughts with me (=
for the benefit of other people who read my blog, I'm going to share my reflections about what you taught me . You made me realise that being better does not necessarily mean not making mistakes, being better means to be nearer and closer to who you aspire to be, to be ultimately , you. sometimes, mistakes are a way to be better. sometimes, the struggles i experience, the thoughts i have and everything negative about me is just a symbol of who i am. And hence, I don't always need to be frustrated with having all these within me, I don't always need to be very hard on myself, I just need to be aware of who I am and analyze within myself how to be a better person. Despite how lousy I think I am and how lousy I actually am, at least the positive thing that won't change is that you won't find another person entirely the same as me and this uniqueness makes me who I am. (:

In addition, there's a difference between improving because you think you have to and improving because you know you want to, and that's when you also know that you are ready to.

I suddenly realised that maybe all along, I haven't fully accepted myself for who I am yet. But, I'll work on it. (:

2011-02-28T22:09:00.003+08:00

My cousin is dying and she's like only 2 years older than me?

Although I'm not very close to her but somehow it's just saddening , or rather shocking, to feel the possible occurrence of death, especially at a young age, near you.

deep down in me, i feel a tinge of guilt and regret. Because when I first heard about her situation two years ago, i wanted to go and befriend her, i wanted to try to help her. But, I had my Alevels to focus on and after Alevels, perhaps it was inertia, perhaps I thought it wasn't urgent or anything or perhaps I was afraid of parental objection so I did not follow up on my plans to help her. Lazy? Perhaps. I know there's actually no reason to blame myself because even if I tried to help her then, I'm not a doctor that could help her in terms of her health. In fact, my efforts in helping her might not have bore fruit. But, at least I tried. I knew how pathetic her situation was and yet, I didn't put my heart into following up with actions. And now, if she really leaves, I know that I'll never have a chance to do what I initially wanted to do. Maybe I'm thinking too much. I was never close to her in the first place. But, something I learnt is that if you want to help someone, just go and do it. Don't wait and end up regretting one day.

My mum was just telling me how lucky I am to have a complete family, not to grow up in a broken family. I know. To treasure and appreciate what I have. I have many things that at times, I feel I take for granted. How do I know? Because I experience feelings of jealousy, envy, and insecurity. If I really cherished everything I had, I will be generally a happy girl , happy with life. But am I truly happy with life? I feel I can be so much better. But, I don't know how to be so much better without feeling that I'm lying to myself. I cannot control my frustrations, my irritation, my angry outbursts , my feelings control me. I try and always end up in a struggle that results in a sigh. Maybe I should try to be happier by always reminding myself of all the things I have. When Iwoke up in the morning, I don't know why but this phrase just rang in my mind:

I can't stop others from judging me but I can stop myself from caring about how they judge me.

Self confidence? Maturity? Nonchalence? Self-esteem ? I don't know. Maybe if I took a step back and realise that I am the one deciding things that matter in my life, life would be much better.

I feel that I'm ranting pointlessly because I feel rather tired to go and piece all my thoughts together in a logical fashion. It's like I'm listing thoughts that seem so politically correct , seems so positive but I'm feeling a lack of motivation to really carry things through.

Maybe what I need is a good sleep.
(:

2011-02-26T09:55:00.002+08:00

morning (:

I haven't been blogging for awhile so I'm back to give updates about my life!

The past week was recess week for me, meaning NO SCHOOL(: But, not a holiday week because I still had to study. But, compared to those who have exams next week, I think I'm still a little more fortunate and can afford to slack a little. But, oh well, it's to make up for my busy life that's coming right up in March =/

Celebrated godbro's birthday on Saturday! (: My bowling skills aren't too bad for a beginner ^^ I enjoyed myself and I'm very happy to know that my present made my godbro very touched and happy (= That's one of the powers of Lyon's personal letter (= Anyway, godbro I know you will be reading this so once again, I must tell you to treasure your present and use it as a motivation to study as well as a reminder of your strengths as a person and a special redefinition of birthdays (= and of course, a reminder of me! =)

Oh and my brother is back from army!(= He's going back in tomorow but after not seeing him for 2 weeks, I feel very happy that he's back to rest and tell us all about army tales. Quite interesting and funny(: Though I admit I'm still feeling a sense of worry about his future days in army but I guess from my bro's experiences in army so far, i should place trust in my brother's character, his resilience and his strength and determination to make it through (: Please keep my brother safe and sound and lucky (=

I did this personality test that is super accurate but I can't copy and paste the test results here and I'm lazy to type it out so yeah, if anyone's interested in the personality test, ask me for it okay? (= But, anyway , I think I understood myself better and I understood the people around me better too. (= I went for a workshop facilitator part time job on this - a pity I didn't really copy down notes haha.

Well, recess week is coming to an end so it's back to school life =/ but never mind, school life isn't that bad either, especially with you around <3

Oh and something happened this morning that brightened up my day(: a surprise email! I'm touched to receive it because I wasn't expecting it(: But, anyway daddy, i'm glad that you're recovering slowly and im sure when you're back from holiday, you will be the old positive guy that I know(:

And one more last final note,

Jiayou Brandon Ang( I know you must be reading this too) for your mid term exams next week! (: Your hard work and efforts will pay off, I'm confident of it (: So work hard and do your best dear<3

Everyone jiayou too!

2011-02-17T23:13:00.002+08:00

while today was a good day(:

i'm feeling extremely negative now. =(

I feel so overwhelmed.

as though i'm bottling up so many things within wanting to explode but with no place to explode.
and the pressure just keeps mounting.

damn i feel stressed.

the reason why i'm ranting on my blog is because i can't rant anywhere else, cuz i know i'll get over it and so I don't want to raise a big fuss over it.But at the same time, i don't want it to be dismissed just because i'll get over it. i want it to be addressed, i want comfort to be given, I want reassurance , I want rationality and a logical analysis about the fact that what i'm feeling is actually nothing much. I want a punching bag, I want something or somewhere that I can vent my frustrations on, where I can keep whining non-stop without feeling bad.

but i don't want to burden or disturb.

the irony in my wants.

and i miss my water bottle. =(

2011-02-14T23:25:00.004+08:00

helloooo (:

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
this post is a dedication to my boyfriend, Brandon Ang Wee Ming.
'Warning to other blog readers: UP TO YOU WHETHER YOU WANT TO READ'

14th Feb has always been a day that I spend time preparing small gifts for friends when I was in school. (: I always saw it as a form of Friendship Day/

But this year, things have changed. Now, I have you. <3
Today was simple. And simplicity is beauty. Simplicity brings bliss. Simplicity brings happiness. (: It's all about spending time with each other on this special day and enjoying every bit of it.

On this very special day, I want to thank you for appearing in my life.
I want to thank you for always loving me for who I am.
I want to thankyou for accepting all my weaknesses, all my mood swings, grumpiness, insecurity and yeah, the list goes on.
I want to thank you for always appreciating me.
I want to thankyou for always thinking for me.
I want to thankyou for always sending me home despite your tiredness and the long journey back home.
I want to thankyou for willing to wait for me and acceding to my requests.
So many things to thank you for , but I think most importantly, thankyou for being my boyfriend. (=

A simple relationship already requires the committment of two people. What's more a love relationship? (= I'm happy that both of us treasure this relationship very much and will do our best to maintain and preserve it . (= I'm confident that we'll have a future together and I love you very very much <3

2011-02-11T20:38:00.002+08:00

i thought and wanted to be the best. I thought I could do it. But, i think i overestimated myself. by perhaps alot.

btw my bro called back (: at least that brings some warmth on this lonely night. (:

2011-02-06T08:13:00.002+08:00

hello!

i feel kind of sad. Cuz CNY holiday is ending! Or already ended since I have a project meeting today and it's time to get back to work.

Anyway, just a couple of reflections about this year's CNY, it was pretty good.(: Somehow I treasured everything more, from all the traditions on CNY eve down to the family practices and just everything. It's hard to describe it but why I feel I must treasure CNY more is that I feel that change is coming for my family's CNY. As in not in the bad way but bits and pieces will change. My brother's going to the army and this means he may or may not celebrate CNY with us next year. As for me, I just forsee some potential changes in future years. I hate this feeling of insecurity, like you never know what could happen and sometimes this feeling of insecurity just swallows you, leaving you lost. I don't have that insecurity for relationships with friends, so why do I have with relationships with family? It's a self-exploration process to find the answer I guess. So for now, I guess I just have to try to think positive for everything and probably, yup, as you said, don't think too much. Afterall, I cannot predict the future so why waste my brain cells worrying about it, right? Oh well.

Anyway, one special thing about this new year is that I visited a new family- yupp I visited Brandon Ang's family.(: And received ang baos haha. They're nice people. And I'm so glad that he finally visited my family too, or rather my parents finally saw him. (: It marks a certain new milestone in our relationship, that's what I feel.

It's time to go back to studies and work and blah blah blah. I feel kind of irritated about that but sighh, what can I do right? I just have to buck up and face reality, a rather harsh one at times. But, I know there's no time for me to keep whining about it because I have my plans and things to do in Feb, March and so on. So , I need to live happily and accomplish all this things. I need to stop worrying about change. I need to accept that change is the only constant. I need to stop feeling so insecure and have more confidence in life. I need to think more positively, an ability that I feel seems to be diminishing sometimes. I need to grow up. Perhaps maturity and experience is the solution to my childish concerns.

Just jiayou bah.

=)

2011-01-29T23:59:00.003+08:00

hello.(:

it's been raining and raining and raining for the whole of today!
i'm glad i was at home most of the time(:

feelings about feelings- i'm irritated at feeling irritated.

have you ever had the feeling of so much negative feelings overpowering you all at once?
it's as if there was a whole pile of pent up emotions stored within you
and ready to explode at the simplest touch- dangerously reactive.
and yet you know that you can't allow it to explode so you swallow it , so you hide it,
and so you struggle and end up feeling super irritated and worse.

you know that it'll be fine in the end so you try ways and means to get rid of that negativity in you. you listen to songs, concentrate on doing other stuff, play games etc and slowly that negativity dissipates naturally(:

but unfortunately, it's not permanent and the whole vicious cycle repeats itself again...
and the worse part is that you know.. but you cannot control it.

the irony of things in life.

oh well, jiayou pple(:

2011-01-28T23:57:00.002+08:00

hello!

the weekends are here(:
thankfully... because i feel somewhat tired ,
even though I have been sleeping early for the past few days.

Was really glad I went for the SSWS welcome tea(:
not only did i get to see geraldine, i think i grew closer to some of my social work friends and made more new social work friends. (:
sometimes, not having any people around me( my circle of friends) who's really passionate about social work makes me further appreciate the friends I'm making who are majoring in social work. (:

oh and btw i joined SSWS. well, probably because I haven't got any CCA yet. But, then again, sometimes I feel that I've spent my cca life in dunman high getting stuck in CCAs that I don't have any prior passion in. Well, perhaps CSC wouldn't count? But then again, there are parts of CSC that I don't really enjoy too. So, maybe now, I should really put the focus of my uni life on social work. True, there might be things that I want to try but I guess I shan't go and force myself to really join things for the sake of joining. I'll just let fate take me where I'm supposed to go. (:

when i study social work, i somehow feel more eager for knowledge , which is why i ask more questions, and yet more stressed because of certain expectations towards myself. But,this is an indicator that I'm really learning what I want to learn. (:

if there's one thing in life that I keep forgetting nowadays
it's how to be content and appreciative of life.

2011-01-26T08:20:00.002+08:00

Everyone has some secret cravings inside him/her, or so i believe.
Sometimes, it's these subconscious cravings that frustrate me.

sometimes i wonder if i really accept and like myself fully for who i am and what i am.

afterall. it's not very easy to accept someone with so many flaws.

but i'll try.

Anyway, reflective thoughts aside!

The past 2 days have been tiring indeed! My mondays and tuesdays are the worst two days of the week in terms of the hours I have to stay in school and everytime i'm so thankful for wednesday because it feels like I can take a breather. But, mondays and tuesdays are also thankfully bearable because I spent most of them with you <3 Oh well,and at least I have a free day.

Social work lessons have been getting interesting because they really start teaching you about the helping process between a social worker and the client, unlike SW1101E whereby they just give you a general outline about social work and the different groups of clients. But, i must make sure I maintain a balance between social work modules and my other 2 modules.=/

I felt quite thankful yesterday. Because somehow fate brought people to me. Throughout my whole time in school, at times when I thought I'll be alone , somehow I always bump into people that I know or it's just that my timings for doing certain things were just nice. (: It's not that I'm scared to be alone, I'm fine being alone- afterall I study best alone or just with one or two people- but the feeling of meeting people you know after you never seen them for so long and they stop to either talk to you or accompany you just makes you smile and feel lucky and thankful(=

I know it's probably a small thing but it still means alot to me. I mean, it's these things in life that I feel that I must treasure well. If I miss out appreciating all these small things, life might seem pretty dull and meaningless to me. Besides, i admit i'm secretly a rather insecure person, therefore I need these sources of comfort.

okayyyyyy end of post (=

2011-01-22T16:06:00.002+08:00

IMPOWM.

SES.

2011-01-20T21:40:00.002+08:00

random thoughts:

it's funny how at times you really wished someone could fully understand you
and yet this can never happen , because everyone is ultimately, different.

it's funny how at times you feel sad and when someone asks why for the reason,
you're at a loss of words.

it's funny how minor things affect you so greatly and yet, major things don't really affect you at all.

it's funny how you can feel so happy at one moment and then sad at another moment- mood swings - that's what it is called.

sometimes, things are just simply the way they are.
There's no need to find out why things aren't the way you want them to be.

and yet, we always want to get to the bottom of things.

are we creating trouble for ourselves? or are we really trying to become more intellectual know-it-all beings?

2011-01-19T22:41:00.002+08:00

i suddenly realised kembangan is a rather nice place. (:

Especially on evenings.
You see children playing at the playground, people jogging, old couples just sitting down and stoning, people rushing home from work and when you look up,
you see the great wide sky staring at you and the wind blowing in your face, refreshing you.
Peaceful- that's the word. (: Sometimes, in the midst of all the stress and bustling noises of busy life, taking a step back , you feel peaceful because you know you're living life.

Social work is starting to get overwhelming.
So much readings to do, assignments to do etc
Now i see why passion is really necessary. Lucky i have passion.(:
It's quite amazing what interest and passion can do to you.
Instead of dwelling sadly in the fact that social work is overwhelming,
i see this as a very good challenge for myself.
Because I know that all the hard work and effort that im putting in now will reap rewards in the future and benefit whoever that i'll be helping in the future.
This thought makes me want to just try a little harder. (: Step by step, bit by bit, i will continue.

I was pondering over an interesting issue today.
Recently, I learnt about the Johari Window, whereby it shows how there are 4 parts to a person.
A part that both the person and others know, a part that only the person knows but others don't know, a part that others know and the person doesn't and lastly, a part that both the person and others don't know.
The part that only the person knows but others don't know refers to the hidden self of the person, beneath how he/she portrays herself to others.
Is it wrong to hide a part of ourself to others? Do we really consider people who have another self beneath what they portray to others as hypocrites or not genuine to who they are?

I don't think so.
Maybe I would think so straightaway if I was asked this question and forced to give an immediate reply.
Yet, upon scrutiny, I don't think that people who hide certain parts of themselves away from others are not genuine. The front that you have , that you show people , is not indicative of a mask. This means that the part of you that you show to people is a real and true definite part of your character. Contradictions can occur in our character because we are so complex by nature. For example, someone can possess both happy-go-lucky and depressed natures. Even the happiest person has his/her down moments. Because there are many facets of our character, we determine and choose the image we want to show, the part of us that we are comfortable with showing others. (: So, we don't put on a mask.

Putting on a mask refers to people who really pretend to be someone that they don't mean to be, or someone that they are imitating. I think the authenticity comes from the heart. If you're happy the way you are to some people as that part of you, then you are true to yourself and the people whom you're interacting with. In that sense, if we were to criticse everyone for hiding some part of themselves, we all have to call ourselves hypocrites. Perhaps a redefinition and some reflection might be necessary(:

I like thinking about such stuff because it enables me to see things in a new perspective
and not be so judgemental and quickly jump to conclusions about some issues.

Finally, one last phrase- Contentment brings about happiness. (:

Each and every one of us is so different. Comparison , though inevitable , is unfair. By comparing ourselves to others, we are lowering our self-worth, we are doubting ourselves and we are starting to not accept ourselves as who we are. When people compare us with others, take a look at these people. Who are they to compare you with others and what good do they get doing so? People true to you do not compare you with others because they accept you for who you are. If we must want to compare, we should compare ourselves with who we are through time. We see how we have grown, matured and thought. That brings more meaning to life. (:

Doesn't it?(:

2011-01-16T08:39:00.002+08:00

morning (=

it's sunday and i still haven't done any productive stuff. Must start working hard today!

Anyway, went for Miss Chin( now known as Mrs Chan)'s wedding yesterday!
She's my primary school CCA teacher and it's still quite amazing how we're still keeping in touch even up till now, when I'm in university.
I still remember the fond memories of working with her for Drama Club(=
In addition, she has always been coming to support my performances during the time when I was in Dunman High.
I'm really glad I made the decision to go for her wedding yesterday because seeing how happy she and her husband looked, I really felt touched and happy for the both of them (=
And she told me I'm the ONLY ex-student she invited! (: That means quite alot to me because this shows that I mean quite alot to her, among all her years of teaching so many students.
Again, luckily I turned up in the end.

At first, I hesitated about going. Because the venue was at Bukit Panjang
( so far away!) and I felt somewhat lazy at going.
But, luckily I asked for advice and I think the advice jasmine gave me helped me make up my mind. Since I promised her I would go, I should go.
Besides, weddings are a once in a lifetime thing, as what brandon ang said , and I 'm sure this wedding meant alot to her.
If I know something means alot to a person that means alot to me,
I know I must go and do that something. (=

My moral values got reaffirmed again yesterday.
Luckily I did not succumb to my laziness and decided to go to the wedding.(:
She saw me and although she didn't talk, from the smile on her face, I knew she appreciated my presence. And for that, I'm comforted and glad.

Sometimes in life, we'll face times whereby we have to choose between two choices.
(Actually, this kind of always happens in life.)
And i guess one thing that we must always bear in mind is that
we must stick to our moral principles when making those choices and at times,
we must consider the feelings of others, because making choices is not only always about ourselves.

(=

2011-01-14T23:18:00.003+08:00

hello.(:

the weekends are here!

well, i had no lessons today so I basically slacked the whole day away. Now to think of it, it was not very wise of me to do so. But, oh well, what's done cannot be undone. At least, it is only the first wIeek of school.(:

it's been a busy week. Okayy, maybe not that busy. But definitely a change from the usual holiay lifestyle. Everything's still pretty much okay(=
(I'm tired so i don't feel like blogging everything about the first week of sem 2.)

sometimes, i feel like i have SO MUCH to say
and yet when i really start thinking through what i have to say,
i realise i have nothing to say, because i'm just too tired to say anything.sighh.
sometimes, i feel like having something and yet when i think it through properly, something just holds me back. the power of laziness :[

haha this is such a nonsensical post- sorry for wasting your time :D

the next post shall be better(=

goodnight.

2011-01-09T18:29:00.002+08:00

hello(:
it's the last day of holidays!
Due to the wonderful memories i had the past few days, I feel like I have really enjoyed myself and hence, i am happy and satisfied with the end of holidays.

Wed- COT outing!!! (=

went to 15 minutes, a place that XX recommended- quite a good recommendation!! (=
ate, took photos and most importantly, talked <3>

left halfway for my tuition(: speaking of which, i must thank brandon ang for being so sweet (: for sending me for my tuition despite the heavy rain, despite being drenched and having to go home and change and yet still willing to come out to fetch me after tuition even though it was still raining (=

Thur- JB outing!!! (:
one day trip to JB plus it was my FIRST time to JB :)
good company + good food = enjoyable day :D
ohh i tried A&W for the first time- nice! :D
despite the rainy weather, a screwed up taxi meter (mainly),
it was a very memorable day (= (=

Fri- BAKING session :D
had a baking session with jeanine! baked strawberry white choc muffins :D:D
think it turned out quite well (=
and i really enjoyed myself =p
it's been 7 years since i've had this gan ma:D and big sisterly figure
and i'm really glad we are just as close as ever (=

last episode of Breakout! very very nice drama :)
and after watching , i realised the moral of the whole story is that
one should not be preoccupied with matters such as revenge, fame ,fortune etc
because in life lies more beautiful things, such as admiring the sunset and being contented with everytihng you have and staying happy :D
meaningful indeed:D

Sat- 4th Monthsary!<3
i was in charge of planning the itinery:D:D
firstly , i gave brandon ang the muffins that i baked with jeanine yday:)
and then we went to "with a pinch of salt" restaurant and had dessert at ice cream kafe after that:) afterwhich i brought him to this art exhibition to help fufil someone's dream - to have a meaningful 4th monthsary (= we caught the season of the witch movie and i popped by 6c12 clas gathering(= great to see everyone again :D:D

Sun- basically SLACKED at home:D but i still did stuff la:D
just ended my call with godbro too(=

a very descriptive post but it's to remind myself about how i spent the last week of my hols in future(=

i'm looking forward to the week ahead!

jiayou lyon! (=

2011-01-04T23:02:00.002+08:00

hello(:

i can't get to sleep so i've decided to blog!

Today was quite a good day (= I like having the whole house to myself. Because it means freedom. Freedom to do whatever I want. Freedom to take my own sweet time with things. Just plain, old, freedom. I always liked freedom. No restrictions and restraints. But of course, freedom comes with consequences. So i've managed to seek freedom in the most pure and innocent form. For example, drawing. Why do I like to draw? Why do I like to design ? Because I crave the freedom in expressing my own creativity , in deciding the colours, deciding what to add in , deciding on everything that I have to, in order to present a piece of artwork worthy of my capability and derive personal satisfaction. (= This is an example of freedom in its most pure and innocent form. One that doesn't bring about consequences.

One unlike the kind of freedom most people desire. The freedom to spend money - and thus they work hard to earn money or even do things against their conscience. The freedom to do anything they want - and hence crimes are committed , families are broken, chaos is born. A negative portrayal of freedom indeed.

Personally, the irony lies in the fact that freedom is supposedly a positive symbol. Freedom should bring about happiness. It should bring about life. It should bring about smiles. Yet, freedom without control brings about destruction.

When I am frustrated with the way things are going in my life and just feel like being free to do whatever I want, I always remind myself about the consequences of freedom. Am I willing to trade that moment of pleasure from freedom- possibly short term pleasure- for a possible long term destructive consequence? The obvious answer comes to me and the harder choice is always what I make for myself. I 'm not happy. But I know I 'll be even more unhappier if I take the easier choice.

Ahh well. Sometimes things about life can be so ironic. But, don't get me wrong. It's not being negative about life but rather, it's being reflective about life. It's about examining one's understanding about certain moral concepts from time to time and improving one's moral standard and character, so as to eventually lead a life without regrets. (:

Anyway, enough of reflective stuff. (: I met up with hamizah and we had a good nice chat!! Haven't seen her in ages! (: If there was one thing that I felt even more strongly after my meetup with her , it was that following your heart is really important. Only you know yourself the best and hence, only you can make choices for yourself. People who really care for you are people who , be it understanding why or not understanding why you make this choice, still accept and support you all the way. (: Something I need to emulate and remind myself to do for the people in my life.

Tuition afterwards and an unexpected meetup with brandon for dinner(: After that an MSN chat with my godbro and watching channel 8 drama with my mum. For today, I think I'm quite a happy girl. (=

School's reopening in less than a week. Well, but if there's something different about uni and normal school, it's that I don't feel the pressure that reopening of school always gives me. Perhaps, it's still there but just that it's lessened. Perhaps it's always been there, but just that I've matured. Well, but no matter what it is, one thing about uni education that I enjoy the most is that I'm studying what I have always wanted to study: social work. That should be enough to cheer me up.
(=

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm sure of it. (=

smile(:

2011-01-02T08:01:00.002+08:00

happy new year! =)

it's 2011! A brand new year for everyone!

I feel very lucky. Because I spent most of the last day of 2010 and the first day of 2011 as a very happy girl. (=

Had YLF outing on 31st december at the NEX ! i haven't seen them for quite long la! They're a group of people whom i treasure so very much because they feel just like a second family to me. (= All the usual chatting , niaoing( of Alv mainly) and laughing are memories that will remain very dear to me. Caught the movie " The Tourist", a rather good movie that had a surprising ending! ^^ If there was one thing that made this year's YLF outing very different - it would be that Brandon came along! (= I always feel very blessed when I see people close to me getting to know each other. Thanks dear <3 for coming along.

Oh, sidetrack abit- I felt very blessed too on thursday because my boyfriend and godbrother finally got to know each other too. (= Had alot of fun and i really treasure such memories , which remind me to be very thankful that I have people that love me alot.

Anyway, while the rest of YLF pple headed over to PY's house for countdown, me and brandon left for resort w0rld countdown! (: Brandon's father got us tickets so we just went for it. There was alot of people at vivo and at first at resort world and we spent most of our time slacking and eating. (: But I enjoyed myself tremendously because I think what's most important in spending time on special occasions is the person/people you spent with. The fireworks show was brilliant!! and it reminded me of our first time watching fireworks together long ago at marina barrage during og outing.

Headed back to PY's house after countdown ! (: We played our question game, a game that me and py and jinghuan spent time devising and creating it. Everything went well! thanks to the disgusting forfeit >< I feel like describing everything that happened and yet i cannot describe all in words because the joy and fun everyone had is really rather undescribable. (= But, I'm glad and thankful that everything turned out fine and we laughed SO MUCH. (: It's really heartwarming that despite not meeting up often and despite coming from so different backgrounds, we still have this special bond between us that makes us have fun and click well everytime we have a YLF outing. Again , this shows that true friendship doesn't have to be based on how many times you see each other but rather, how much you treasure the bond between each other.(=

The exchange of xmas gifts was good too! (: i can't wait for PY to upload all our pictures that night! :) HC came to join us and treat us to Mac breakfast! (: we ate, slacked and finally it was time to go home (: everytime its time to go home from YLF outing, there'll be some feeling of nolstagia within me and at the same time, i'll look even more forward to the next outing! :D OH and i'm happy that they liked brandon. :D

Anyway, me and Brandon went back to his house to wash up and rest before heading out to meet his friends at AMK for lunch(= We were damn tired la , even though we slept abit >< But, the food was good and his friends were very funny. (: (: Enjoyed being with them (: And Brandon sent me home after that when I had to go home. (:

In overall, what makes the end of last year and the start of this year so special is that I spent them all with Brandon Ang <3 firstly with my friends and then with his friends. Kind of meaningful too. (= Memories that I definitely want to keep and that's why I'm blogging them down.

Here's some thoughts and feelings about 2010!

2010 passed really very fast. It was a meaningful year because I tried so much new things and experienced so much, be it good or bad experiences. If I were to relive my whole 2010, I don't think I would change anything because I don't regret anything. Maybe some whole bits here and there but I'll work on them in 2011! (:

As a person, I feel that I have matured alot more in 2010. Because I've been through much more. I've broken out of the sheltered environment DHS used to give and I'm rather thankful for that. I've made new friends (= I've started uni life. (= I've seen how much I mean to some friends and they will be people whom I'll treasure all my life. So many things that I've done! But I guess what's most important - my best gift for 2010- is Brandon Ang <3 , getting a boyfriend, not just any boyfriend , but the best boyfriend I could ever get. Even though it has just merely been a few months since we were together and even before we got together, I feel that we have went through quite alot. Or rather, I made you go through quite alot. But, I'm thankful for this because you understand me the best now and I hope same goes for me and we shall only become stronger and better in this brand new year (=

I feel that 2011 is going to be such a busy year for me. With school all the way till April and then attachment all the way till July and then school all the way till November, it seems that the next time I can get a good break would be one year later. But, nvm along the way, I'll be learning alot and with people around me whom I treasure , I believe I'll still be a happy girl in 2011. (;

smile(:

2010-12-26T17:15:00.002+08:00

hello (:

its boxing day! (=

yesterday's christmas was pretty okay(: met up with mingwei!
it's been a long time since i saw my bro and chatted properly with him la! (=
so it's great that our kinship and friendship still remained as strong as ever,
hence once again, proving my theory that true relationships are created not through distance or personal contact but through both people cherishing this relationship. (:
well, we chatted about alot alot of stuff and i'm really happy and glad that he's having a rather happy and content life now. (:

like always, i felt inspired and enlightened after my chat with him yesterday (=
while looking at him describing his life, his goals, his thoughts,
i realised that he was really happy (= happy with his life now.
though simple, he enjoys the simplicity, enjoying life to the fullest in the simplest of ways.
and thus he is happy.
so once again, i realised that a simple life can bring happiness.
there're some people who hanker after power, fame, popularity, money , attention etc
and in their pursuit of all these, they make their life complicated and hence become less happy.
i'm also one of these people sometimes.
when i try to remember how i used to hold leadership positions and was forever so busy,
i don't really remember much except how i had to toil through everything, sometimes even sacrificing my studies for responsibility and obligation. i don't even remember whether i was truly happy doing all those stuff, all i remember was how i was stressed and overwhelmed by so much stuff. there were probably happy times but yet very few. Also, relief seemed to overwhelm happiness.

when i came to uni, part of me was thinking whether i should be as active in CCAs as i was in the past. i wanted to rest and yet i felt i should do that and make my life more "enriching" and "exciting". Plus I don't deny that I quite enjoyed the feeling of being in power. I seldom have a passion for things so it's hard to find something that i want to try out. but i was also sick of responsibility. especially since now i have more responsibilities, personal ones like family responsibilities since my parents are growing older and money responsibilities. so while i was struggling, the chat with mingwei made me realise that I'm falling into the trap of complicating my life. I should just keep my life simple and take things as they come.

Relationships are the most important to me. The focus of my life now should be being a good daughter, good sister, good girlfriend, good godbrother , good friend, good student and a good social worker eventually. (= i should just live life simply and keep these in mind cuz I want the people I care about to be happy. When they are happy, I will be happy. (=

Anyway, had a christmas dinner at my relatives house at night. Thought-provoking. Sometimes I feel so helpless, I really want to help and yet I'm coping with the cooped up resentment in me that has been building up for so many years , coupled with the complexity of the situation with other people in the picture, I just feel the inertia with worry and anger. I need to improve myself.

But, in overall , christmas was okay. The only bad thing was that you were not around =( come back quickly dear <3

2010-12-21T23:12:00.002+08:00

helloo! (=

it's my 1000th post!

and i shall dedicate it to my first ever uni exam results (=

i just S/U ed my GEM. well, i hope i made a right decision. because by S/Uing my GEM, my CAP improves by 0.3 , which will make my CAP rather high (= and thus save me in future sems if i happen to not do too well since CAP grades are cumulative.

oh well, i just have to make sure i work hard from now on , so that i won't be in danger of needing my S/U urgently anymore. which means i need to make sure my arts gem and my SS are good modules so that my other 2 S/Us can comfortably be used for my breadth modules.

the happiest and best result of this exam was... SOCIAL WORK(=
A :)

i was still so scared cuz i thought i flunked the exam T.T turns out I did better than I expected(=
i have a strong affirnity with social work after all. and it's my major! ^^ so i'm glad social work was my best subject! (=

the unhappiest and worst result of this exam was ... HISTORY =(
B+

and i was still rather confident that I'll get an A , guess exam and class participation marks didn't go as what I predicted. SIGH. oh well. at least i tried my best(=

no matter what, social work's my main focus
and in overall i did well, so everything's still good (=

and we will work hard together <3

thankyou very very very much brandon ang for specially coming down yesterday and accompanying me today <3

2010-12-14T22:11:00.003+08:00

hello! (:

this is my 998th post! 2 more to 1000th post! (:

such a significant milestone (:

anyway, to those who were worried about me cuz of my previous post, thankyou very much(:

i'm more or less fine already . (= i've bounced back (: much thanks to you<3

A shoulder to cry on can indeed make a whole lot of difference. (:

Anyway, it's currently my housework period. At least till christmas. So sadly, apart from those outings that I have already planned beforehand, I can't really squeeze anything else in except till after christmas =/ but on the brighter side, christmas is coming! (:

to all those taking exams now, JIAYOU !!!

smile(:

2010-12-12T18:00:00.002+08:00

hello.

it's kind of funny but sundays always seem to coincide with self-reflection days.

just finished reading the last Harry Potter book that Brandon lent me today
and this concludes my wish of re-reading all the Harry Potter books.
Been procrastinating on this wish ever since the end of Alevels.
So I'm pretty glad that I can now strike it off my wishlist.(:

Selfless.
A word that I haven't seemed to hear or see for quite awhile
until today, when I read it in the Harry Potter book.

There's actually a thin line separating selflessness and selfishness.
A line that sometimes seems so thin and yet so thick. Some acts are seen as natural selfish acts, such as not sharing things with others. And some remain somewhat undetectable, especially when it applies to oneself. I have harboured selfish thoughts before and I still harbour them, though not to my delight and control. Chiding myself for these thoughts seems to be something inborn, for me. At times, I really wish I could be selfish and just do what I want to do but yet, there's always something pulling me back. Thoughts, consequences , responsibilities that I dread. While perhaps it is truly noble and moral to be selfless and as much as I self-discipline myself to head along that path, I am still just a human being. Human beings associate well with selfishness and negative traits because before we were civillised , I guess a certain survival instinct lay within all of us. At least, that's what I believe in. Internal struggles arise with unspoken responsibilites. Unspoken responsibilities that stem out from love. Another characteristic of a human being. All of us can love and be loved. Or rather, want to be loved.

But, there's a difference again between saying you love and really loving.
And that difference rests upon two words: Action and appreciation.
Action shows. Appreciation extends to understanding, tolerating and never abandoning.
While these two go hand in hand, different people treasure differently.
I treasure appreciation more. And how you love someone is reflected by how he/she loves you back. Even though I treasure appreciation more, I can't show my appreciation back to people who don't love me through appreciation but rather through action.
The disturbing part is that action, like words, CAN be misintepreted or be taken for granted.
That's where at the end of the day, you still need appreciation.

Love, although i know exists around me,
at times feel very very distant away from me.
Feelings of inferiority seep easily into me. Sometimes, the slightest things can hurt me for no reason. But, I don't show, or rather don't usually show. What's the point of showing? Making myself vulnerable to the people who have hurt me? Or worse still, making them feel bad that they have hurt me? Isn't that selfish of me to inflict upon them guilty feelings upon my own pleasure? I don't heal easily too. So what if I go around lamenting and complaining and expecting some form of consolation or rather, to put it crudely, wanting attention? What if I don't feel the satisfaction after doing so? Do I blame myself or blame the people whom I have told? Haven't I just made myself feel worse? So many times I have experienced, twice the pain after telling , this time increased by a burden of creating a certain front that I've indeed been helped so as to solve a certain form of accountability and "reward" for listening to me? Yes, I know that there's probably no point in this kind of hypocrisy and probably no need to. Because it's no one's fault. But , certain negative feelings will certainly arise. And it's just something I cannot neglect. Because I'm who I am.

I feel idiotically pissed off and fed up with everything yet I feel a great sense of guilt and shame to not feel happy when i'm supposed to , because I could be so much worse off than I am. Sometimes, I'm just sick and tired of living up to my own expectations, or other's expectations of what I should do. Not that being sick and tired of it helps in any way to alleviate it. But, sometimes resentment allows me to vent out in a certain way, vent out my frustrations.

I don't know when I can. I don't even know if I can.

Maybe that's why at times I like being alone. Living in my own world. whereby I don't need to face these expectations, even expectations of myself.

Damn it. I'm a damn screwed up girl.

2010-12-05T18:56:00.002+08:00

Peaceful.

That's how I feel now.

It's been a great day. (= A whole day of family shopping and my father didn't even go to work, like what he does on normal Sundays. I can't help having the " This is Chinese New Year" feel because times like this don't come by easy for my family, except for CNY. haha. (= So,
I feel exceptionally happy. (=

My bro's Alevels are finally over. This marks a certain milestone in my family. JC education is over for both me and my brother and it's time for us to take greater charge of our lives. Sometimes, I wonder if this is the beginning of a better future. But, oh well, no one knows.
But, I truly hope so. (=

Anyway, it's peaceful times like this that set me thinking deeper about everything.

Sometimes, I wish that I could have been better and luckier. Yet, ironically, if I was really offered a chance to reshape my whole life and everything about me, I would probably rather just remain as who I am. Because I've grown so accustomed to who I am, thinking in the way I think, doing things the way I believe how they should be done and so on. But, that doesn't mean I don't welcome change. I don't deny that I resist change but I understand that change is inevitable and accepting and embracing positive changes is the right way to move on with life. When people ask me to change or want me to change, I feel somewhat resentful. Because I always feel that change should only begin when I want myself to change and it should not be because people want me to change. And so perhaps the remaining part to look at is how people who want me to change can manage to involve me and themselves in my changing process and make me want to change (:
I think so far, in terms of my character, you're the closest to doing that. (:

Words are powerful tools. Especially when used by people close to you. Have you ever been so delighted over praises from people that you love and yet also been crushed by hurtful words by the very people whom you love? Sounds contradictory but it's common. If only all of us could be more mindful about the words we use and not use words solely based on feelings. Is being tactful hypocritical? I don't think so. Sometimes when it comes to words, it's not about being fake and saying what people want to hear but it's more about saying what you really feel in a way that you would want another person to say it to you if they were in your shoes. A good point worth considering.(:

All my random rantings. But then again, randomly blogging different thoughts that come to mind on a peaceful Sunday evening is a blissful feeling.(:

Anyway, thankyou<3 for sending me home last night because it was late. Simple but sweet gesture that's worth me blogging it here to show my appreciation.

Family, boyfriend, friends. Life. (= I feel lucky and thankful.

Smile(:

2010-12-03T21:37:00.002+08:00

hello!

it's been quite awhile since i blogged! (=

firstly, EXAMS are over! yay! ^^ it's always a super wonderful feeling because you know that it's time to relax after so much mugging x)

my first post exam week so far was overall GREAT (=
maybe partly because i saw you every day for the past 5 days <3

just a brief recap:

monday: went out with bf to celebrate! (= watched Easy A. quite a good movie , i liked the plot and the ending xD

tuesday: OG outing! HARRY POTTER MOVIE! (= wonderful movie! x) ignited my interest to read hp books again and thanks to bf, i can do that this hols! (= went wanyi's house after that , supposed to have bbq but it rained so we just chilled and slacked and ate(=
A lot of funny moments , laughed alot and really really really enjoyed myself xD
but was damn tired towards the end though =/

wednesday: lost my keys so bf sweetly accompanied me to cine to help me find my keys. and thanks to him, it was found in the end!!!!!! ^^ so thankyou brandon ang! <3

thurs: helped my bro shop for some prom stuff in the morning and met jasmine and huikee after that at Tampines (= long time since we 3 met up and we did quite alot of catching up!(: which im really very glad for (x plus we went to get ms tan's wedding present! :D after that, COT sleepover!! <3 haha i <3 COT :D once again, alot of funny moments and everything <3

fri: lunch with remaining COT pple(: and went over to bf's house to collect my other hp books! (:

in overall, i love this week :) but i haven't really sat down and properly thought about what to do in my hols though. but oh well, that can wait(: this week is meant to be ENJOYED :)

im looking forward to tmr night! (=

before i end the post,
i feel that i need to once again say thankyou to brandon ang <3 for being the best bf i can ever have. you know why cuz i told u today <3 and so, keeping it simple and sweet,

i love you brandon ang wee ming.

<3

2010-11-26T08:07:00.002+08:00

hello!

I don't know why but i'm stressed. damn stressed for my last paper.

Damn it. Must be because I think I screwed up for my social work paper yesterday so I'm afraid the same thing will happen today for South Asian paper.

ARGH.

=(=(

i need to convince myself that
screwing up my social work paper DOES NOT MEAN i'll screw up my south asian paper.

Zzzzzzzzzz.

2010-11-17T09:13:00.002+08:00

hello (:

i think fate has its way of reminding me about my purpose in FASS.
Was kind of stressed last night after seeing that I actually got my first C in uni -_-
although cuz it's a science subject which i can s/u so it didn't matter much to me
but still, it made me feel quite sian. :(
and then, today morning, while watching channelnewsasia during breakfast,
there happened to be an interview with three social workers.
Suddenly, it struck me that university education is not like jc or sec sch or pri sch education,
its the real, direct pathway to my future career as a social worker.
I shouldn't be feeling the same sian-ness that I feel when studying for my final terms which are next week.
I shouldn't be focusing on them as just individual subjects because it'll seem tiring ,
but rather, I should see all of them as a step to helping me achieve my goal as a social worker faster and better (:
so it's not the desire to do well for each subject thats motivating me,
its the desire to successfully declare my major as social work and successfully taking on honours
to be the best social worker i can be
that should be motivating me(:
i guess this is an apt illustration of how sometimes we can get so caught up with everything in life that can be quite overwhelming, such that we forget the original purpose of everything we have on hand now. So, I guess we all must learn to take a step back and reflect from time to time(:

and a chat with my godbro just now
reminded me of a perspective that i used to take :
that i won't allow myself to get anything worse than a C
so that means i'll definitely only get better(:
thanks godbro:):)

anyway, the past 2 days of studying has been rather good(:
i think mainly cuz of the person im studying with<3 and all the nice food that im provided with xP
oh and i want to thank my best bf Brandon Ang for lending me his slippers cuz mine broke
and he had to walk barefooted back to his house =/
thank you dear<3 <3 <3
also for taking care of me the past 2 days
sending me home even when u had to study too
and for everything (= (= (=

now i need to go back to studying(:

smile(:

2010-11-12T18:38:00.002+08:00

hellooo:D:D

i'm using Brandon Ang's laptop to blog xD
he says its the first time and thus implying that i should treasure it ( =

haha anyway,
my brother's Alevels seem to be in a much better shape now (:
so i'm not so worried :D
thanks to my bf for bringing me out for dinner and being so sweet to cheer me up <3
and also my godbro for listening to my whinings (:
and other pple who consoled and gave me advice :D
thankyou !
* NO THANKS TO BOB FOR WRITING RUBBISH ON MY WALL AND TRYING HIS BEST XD hahaahahah =)*

anyway, exam readings are damaging my mental health :(
always feeling damn nauseous and irritated after reading so much readings T.T
but nvmnvm, i shall try to persevere :)

but in all, except for the sucky readings,
life's still pretty much wonderful :):):)
and i should be thankful for it :D

smile(:

2010-11-09T21:47:00.002+08:00

im worried.
although i know i can't do anything about it
but i'm still so freaking worried i can't bring myself to do anything.

it just stabs me deep in the heart whenever
i think of him going through the sucky feeling and pain of
not doing well for the very first paper of a major exam.

All i can hope and pray for( thanks for helping me godbro(: )
is that he regains his strength and confidence to overcome the not-happened
and performs to his best ability from tomorrow onwards (:
please. please. please. let that happen,
i don't mind sacrificing any possible exam luck i have or future exam grades i have
for this wish to come true.

i really really really want my wish to come true.

2010-11-07T21:44:00.002+08:00

helllo(=

in case anyone that read my previous post and was worried about me but didn't dare ask me,
just to let you all know that

i'm fine already!(= back to my normal self (=
so please don't worry about me anymore (=

i was indeed quite down yesterday but after spending today with brandon<3, i guess it really helped (=

and now im a lot more happier and back to normal
(=

can't really tell exactly why im feeling happier but unlike when i'm sad,
i don't need to figure out why im happy
i just don't think too much and just continue to stay happy(=

time to mug for exams in 2 weeks time!!><

jiayou(=

2010-11-06T23:23:00.004+08:00

today was a happy day because of you two <333

sisters and besties forever -) thanks for always making me feel so accepted and happy (=

okay, end of positivity. the rest of this post is negativity so SKIP it if u're not here to read negative stuff. seriously.

to those reading this part , pls DO NOT ask me about the next paragraph because you can't do anything about it , its just me so pls don't make me feel affected negatively that i have to say stuff that you can't change anything - i just need to rant and get it out. and then i'll go to sleep and tmr will be a good day again(=

i freaking hate it-im on mood swings nowadays. everything can be damn good and suddenly damn screwed up. and just when i think everything is fine, i realise that its not. And i can't figure out why it's not. totally pisses me off.
me=lousy.ittirtated.pissed.weak. frustrated. tears. troubled. irritated. dumb. sucky. sad=sleep.

ironically, i know and i will get back to normal tomorrow.(: Even if it repeats, at least it'll be less and less bad cuz i'll get stronger. (:

2010-11-05T16:36:00.003+08:00

(=

if you're feeling down, low, depressed or just want to feel a little happier(who doesn't ? xD)
go to this website :

http://rogerdarlington.me.uk/Happy.html

about how to be happy(=

and i can add 2 more music songs to listen to when i'm down:

praan and ode to joy (=

both bring a smile to my face (=

okay i shall start being happy again(=

2010-11-05T11:19:00.003+08:00

i don't believe that people were born to be good.
i believe that people were taught to be good.
people were influenced and impacted and inspired to be good.

as humans,
we were born with a survival instinct.
that's why we can identify well with the 7 sins
that's why we can identify well with the need to be competitive to survive.
that's why we can identify well with the desire to win and with selfishness.

it's the moral values and beliefs that were inculcated in us since young
that helps to keep all these negative parts of our character in check.
that empowers us to continue to be good, kind , understanding.
it's also our natural ability to love that nurtures all these positive values in us.

i am a human being too.
as much as i strive to be the best girl i can be,
i have negative parts in my character.
i have selfishness, envy and a wilfulness in me to want to get my own way.
i have to always put in effort to keep all these negative parts in check,
to constantly make sure that i don't hurt anyone.
thats why i always tell myself to put people before myself.

sometimes, i don't feel the way i'm expected to feel.
and that troubles me.
a perfect scenario of the clash between who i am and what i am expected to be which is also what i want to be.
i swallow these troubles because i'm ashamed at how negative and bad i can be.
i'm ashamed because i know that i shouldn't be feeling this way.
i'm ashamed because i know theres so much more in life for me to appreciate and treasure and feel happy about.
but sometimes it all just doesn't click.
expectations bring about disappointment.
but expectations also bring about improvement.
at least that's what it's supposed to bring about.

the irony lies in the fact that i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself and yet i feel that i can't.
typical struggle between the brain and the heart.

regardless of all these struggles,
perhaps i should just be thankful that i don't have more struggles to deal with. (:
but then again... :(

2010-11-03T22:41:00.002+08:00

hello(=

I am tired. Physically tired and mentally tired. Long day plus stomach cramps =(
Nevertheless, I am happy. (= Because I gained alot today. Because today was a day that sparked off several reflective thoughts in me. Because of you <3

Last social work tutorial. My favourite tutorial.
This was a tutorial that I always put in extra effort to do research, a tutorial that I would look forward to, about what I could share and what I could learn. Each tutorial left me with a takeaway point that I know, would serve great purpose to me in my future as a social worker. Even up til now, I still remember what I learnt in my first tutorial- about how personal stereotypes could affect the working with a client. For example, if your impression of a HIV person was that he or she was super unlucky , you are already making a judgement. In fact, you might start looking at him through the lenses of a victim and more often than not, you would already break the rule of having clients on an equal footing as you. A very meaningful lesson learnt. With every step I take in social work, I realise a little bit more about myself.

For example, during the mental health setting lecture, I realise how affected I was over the issue of death. I had always thought myself to be someone strong in the face of this issue. But, when I heard Dr Nair sharing about how her colleague who had terminal cancer planned her own funeral and even went to shop for her funeral decorations with her parents, so that they will not be burdened by all these decisions when she was gone, tears just welled up in my eyes.

Because I put myself in the shoes of this colleague and her parents. Especially her parents. Imagine the pain and grief of shopping with your daughter for your funeral stuff, knowing that soon she 'll be leaving this world... which parent in this world would be willing to go through that? Sometimes, the most scary part about death is the worry about how people close to us will take it and how it will affect them emotionally, mentally and even financially. At least that's for me. Life is fragile. If we do not learn how to cherish it now, when there comes a time when we regret, it will be too late.

Yet, how many of us are guilty of complaining and whining about how unfair life is to us?
Over minor and trivial matters such as studies etc. Even I am guilty of that. But, do we ever ask ourselves, are we lucky? I think everyone with an able body, a complete family is already very very fortunate. Actually, I believe that as long as we look and think hard enough, we can at least find one reason to be lucky. And that is that we're alive. (=

Sometimes, the more we possess, the less we learn to be contented. The less appreciative we get. I still remember the uncontrollable tears when I heard the sharing by the medical social worker from KK. How she worked with this family that had so many problems within it, with every possible type of problem you could think of. She worked primarily with this girl with a brain tumour and was dying. When the girl was really going to depart this world, the mother ran all the way to the medical social worker's office and told the worker that her daughter was leaving and she wanted the worker to be there to send her daughter off. Such was the impact of the difference the worker made in the life of the family that she worked with. I was deeply touched. The mother was really very appreciative of the social worker.

I remember reading that social work is more of a taking process than a giving process, because to social workers, we take more from our clients in terms of our client's influence over us, helping to mould us into a person with stronger character and to let us be more self-aware. (=

Today, the lecture on disability reminded me of the clients at SUN-DAC. Those intellectually disabled clients. How I first came to perceive and help them and how I grew to love them for who they were. Perhaps their IQ is so low that they have no worries in the world so they keep smiling and being happy. But, isn't being happy what all of us pursue? I remember I used to wonder about the mixed feelings the parents of the intellectually disabled felt. Is it happiness seeing their child so happy or is it just a bitter smile, at the irony of the intellectually disabled feeling happy?

I always marvel at the positive outlook of life that diasbled have. After watching the video shwon today, Boon Keng reminded me of Chong Siang, this deaf and mute guy at the home thatI used to volunteer. I was always amazed by his generousity with smiles and his positive outlook in life. (= Maybe beneath that happy exterior lies a very lonely heart ,faced by alot of rejection and many scars. Yet, if this is really the case, what gives him the courage to maintain that happy exterior? I think it's his environment, the appreciation he has for people there for him and the determination in him to put others before him. These are qualities that are supposed to be found in everyone. But, why do I see it more evidently in Chong Siang? It is because he has a bigger heart (=

I always find volunteering rewarding because I see the true good human nature showing(=

For people losing faith in the people around them and in everything, try volunteering. Look and feel the sincerity and warmth in the clients. (=

Look at the positive life attitude present in the clients. Isn't it weird? Don't they have lesser reasons than us to be positive in life? Yet, why do they portray such positiveness while some of us keep remaining negative about life, pouncing on any little setback or unhappiness to wallow in self-pity and see things in a negative light?

I think the reason is simply because they are thankful for their existence. They see things simply and they live life simply. They appreciate everything they are given, even if it's that little bit. They still cherish and treasure , believing in what life can provide for them. They choose to see positive over negative. Every thing in life has a positive and negative side. It's just a matter of perspective. Sure, people can say that I'm too idealistic, the world is not that nice and fairytale like- please wake up to reality. But, I am awake to reality and when the time comes to make practical decisions, like any normal human being, I will fight for my rights and my survival.

But, apart from that, I just want to see things in a more positive light and live my life a little happier. (= If we can let go of things abit more and inject more hope and acceptance in the way we see things and treat people, won't we be smiling more? (= Smiling is contagious (= And I like to live my life making people smile.(= I can't make everyone smile , just like I can't make everyone like me and make everyone happy, but I can be myself and sincerely want to make as many people as I can happy(= and that is enough. Because if you think about it, if everyone can have this mindset, won't the world be a happier place? (=

Sometimes, change starts only with a change in perspective to life (=
sometimes, a day can start well just because you smiled to someone in the morning(=
sometimes, a simple thankyou can brighten up our day.
sometimes, the good weather can bring a smile to our face.
So, if we start being more appreciative, we will somehow feel happier. xD

social work is not all about possessing such ideals. it's really professional work. But , each of us should personalize the work that we will be doing in the future. And this is the way I want to personalize my work. I want to pass on my ideals and my beliefs to people. I want to see more people smile. (=

food for thought: what is the way you want to personalize your work in the future? what is the way you want to personalize your life?

2010-10-29T11:36:00.002+08:00

hello!(=

i can't seem to get started on work
cuz i'm so tired=/
must be the drowziness effect of the cough medicine. ><

yupp for those who didn't know,
i had sore throat in the past weekend
which developed to hoarse throat
whereby i lost my voice
and now it's evolved to cough and phlegm ><
argh. i also don't know why i keep falling sick nowadays :(
haha but okay la, i also didn't take care of myself well
so yea, will just focus on recovering (=

it suddenly struck me how impactful one person can be to another person
in any context(=

all of us have the ability to impact others around us (=
that's something i truly believe in.

start smiling (=

2010-10-25T00:09:00.002+08:00

hello(=

i want to dedicate this blog post to two very important people to me(=
my boyfriend and my godbro (=
(cuz i know you 2 are my regular blog readers xD )

BRANDON ANG!
thankyou.<3 words cannot express how thankful, happy and fortunate I am to have found you and have you as my bf (= thankyou for understanding and knowing me so well, knowing when i'm down, knowing when i'm sian and always knowing how to make me revert back to my cheerful and happy self(= thankyou for "forcing" me to make those promises - i truly truly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart and these promises make me feel that i'm not alone <3 thankyou once again for accepting me for who i am - i know sometimes i tend to think too much and probably yes, i'm a little more fragile that i expect myself to be - so yupp(= i'm glad u don't reject my flaws and continue to love me for who i am (: for that, i feel very blessed. probably one of the happiest girls on earth (= so yea thankyou and love you very very much<3

HIDAYAT!
when you told me about your 8 credits to get promoted, I was really really damn happy for you because i know your hard work paid off(= i'll be praying for you for the final credit points xD
glad that things in ur life are going much betteR(= despite the sickeningly unavoidable school life and sian PW haha but yupp work hard, persevere and i know that you will conquer all these and emerge as a stronger hidayat(= able to help more people (= you are another person that i must thank(= thanks for always sending me offline msgs or smses or now, tags on blog to wish me all the best and to have a nice day(= they really mean alot to me cuz they brighten up my day(=
keep smiling and jiayou!(=

(=

2010-10-21T23:30:00.002+08:00

hello (=

i'm in the mood of slacking and i just don't feel like doing anything.
but i know that's bad
so i thought i need blog therapy (=

i hate the haze. =(
haiz.

oh well..but anyway, i think fate really works wonders
because of so many days, i chose to try the 197 bus route today(=
and i actually met mr haryanto! (=
haha damn happy to see him la, my big brotherly figure ^^
suddenly, i think that we should learn how to cherish and treasure the people around us more
because it's really affinity
that binds us together(=
have you ever thought that why is it that out of so many people out there in the world,
you got to know XXX? haha (= such a cool and mystical thought (=

today, once again,
the concept that expectations lead to disappointment
popped up again during my an intellectual discussion(=
not that i didn't know beforehand but rather,
sometimes you need reminders for these kind of things(=

actually i think the key to being happy is rather simple:
1. know how to be content and to cherish
2. don't expect too much (=

smile(=

2010-10-20T22:01:00.002+08:00

hellooo!(=

history essay- DONE
+ social work reflection paper- DONE
+ social work tutorial preparation- DONE
+ white cardigan - DONE
= HAPPY =)

yay (= huge load off my mind(=
and it's time for me to take a short breather before mugging again for SOCI mid terms
and finish up my social work newspaper portfolio ^^

for tonight,

lyon is a very very very happy girl (=

smile (=

2010-10-16T15:40:00.001+08:00

:(

rahh.

history essay is killing me .

2010-10-15T06:52:00.003+08:00

hello!

just a quick post here before i go off preparing to go take my south asian midterm test(:

i really hope it's do-able =/
i guess one reason why im so worried is because
south asian studies has always been a module that i have always been struggling to understand
but what pleases me is that
when i really start studying it
i kind of understand it(=
it's actually quite interesting(:
please give me luck later(:

got back my history midterm result(:
i did better than expected
but of course, cannot be complacent because it was an open book test
and i practically copied everything from the lecture notes =/
and now i'm praying for my social work grades for midterm.

PLEASE LET ME GET AT LEAST A B :)
*i'm not confident about social work :( *

it's funny how the thoughts and feelings of receiving exam grades start entering my life again -.-

no matter what pple do for me,
whether small or big stuff,
i always tell myself to appreciate them.
because as long as the effort or the thought is there,
it's really enough for me.

but what you did for me last night,
is not just worth my appreciating,
but its worth my loving. (=

thankyou.

today will be a better day! xD

2010-10-10T17:19:00.002+08:00

hello!

currently, I'm sitting in NLB reference library
and killing my brain cells over a history essay.:(

sigh. sigh. sigh. sigh. sigh. sigh.

i don't like real history essays, the kind that you have to do much research about it
and be super careful about citation and stuff :(

okayy, now im trying to recover that lost passion in writing history essays
the days that i used to also kill my brain cells over history essays given by ms krishnan
ahh nolstagic. but i didn't think i'll go through the same unfortunate process again.:(
ohh well.
nvm nvm, i shall keep myself motivated:

afterall, I was an "A" grade history student leh!
how bad can things get right?(:
i just need to do my best, keep trying
at least I still have some time, not alot but still, i guess should be sufficient(:
and at least i finished my social work draft (:

feeling damn sian now, so yea using my blog to rant xD

on a more positive note,
at least i know someone's coming over later
and that makes me happier (:

jiayou!!!! (:

2010-10-09T08:57:00.003+08:00

it's now 9th october.

End of 8th October.

End of our 1 month anniversary (: <3

a very happy memorable 1 month anniversary(:

because it was spent with you <3

1 month has passed....

and many more sweeter months will come<3

smile :D

2010-10-04T23:31:00.003+08:00

hello(:

i have no idea why i'm blogging
because I don't really have anything in mind to blog.

so i'll blog random stuff.

Just suddenly feel overwhelmed by many things happening to me at the same time,
but it's not all bad things,
there's a good mix(:

i always believed that
the way to forge relationships with people
is to treat them sincerely from the bottom of your heart(:
and this is still what i'm believing up till now.

i think one super big flaw of mine is indecisiveness.
probably it's because i'm always scared of making the wrong decisions and regretting.
but yet,
i also know that i should just follow my heart and stick with it.
trust my intuition and go with it.
lyon, you need to train up.

jiayou(:

2010-10-02T09:39:00.002+08:00

helllo(:

i'm in a reflective mood now so i decided to blog!

it's been a long and tiring week
with the submission of one graded essay plus one graded presentation
plus 2 mid term tests. =/

I did my best for the graded essay and surprisingly, the graded presentation went on quite well(:
my first mid test was okay-okay,
but the stupid word limit killed me la-.-
sian i always knew i needed to write answers that were short , sweet and succint.
i'm just hoping that the teachers won't find my answers too messy:(

my second mid test was social work mid test!!
it was on a Friday night la.
well , for that test, all i can say is that i did my best.
i left early because i felt damn stressed, the last few questions that i had problem with
was that i really didn't know the answer so i guessed the answer.
after that, i just felt damn tramautised :(
i also don't know why- maybe social work really meant alot to me?
so although i did my best, i just felt that i should have known how to do or i could do better?
aiyah. oh well its over so no point thinking about it .
but....please let me do well =/
luckily going out with brandon after that cheered me up <3 <3
chompchomp.fried carrot cake n hokkien mee.super nice mango dessert.
mini adventure from seranggoon to ang mo kio.bus ride.talking through drawing.
and all the chats n talks with you(:
loved every moment of it <3

anyway, a little bit of unhappiness later at night
which probably gave rise to a super horrible dream(not that the content is related)
that seemed damn real lah! =x
omg i was so happy and relieved when i realised i could wake up
and everything was just a dream =.=
probably cuz i reflected after having that dream
so i'm feeling quite reflective now(:

there's no way someone can always stay so happy and positive
because people were born to experience different emotions
and go through different experiences in life.
everytime i feel sad, some part of me will scold myself and think
i've already got so much reasons to be happy
i've already got people in my life who make me happy n feel damn lucky to have them
how can i feel unhappy? how can i feel so unappreciative that i've got what i got
and go on wilfully feeling sad and crying over reasons that might actually be super minor?
and another part of me will defend myself and think
there's nothing wrong in being sad and crying
because you're human. it's natural .
everyone else that you have seen crying before also has many things in life that can make them happy but they still naturally cry when they feel sad. so why can't you?
and then another part will think
but you're going to be a social worker,
shouldn't you be a mentally stronger and tougher person and not a weakling?
and so this internal struggle and discussion will not end up anywhere
and usually i'll just come up with the conclusion that
yes, i can be sad but i'll just hide myself away first
and come out again when i've successfully healed myself.
and be a happy and positive girl once again(:
because i like to make people happy and not make people sad.

but that only applies to me(:
i want to be there for others who feel sad so i must be a stronger person(:

it can be quite a painful process
and everytime i'm tempted to " share the pain"
it's not that i don't want to
but i just can't bring myself to =(

sometimes i really really hate having this flaw
of thinking too much for others
because ironically i know i can't make everyone happy.
yet it seems selfish to only make myself happy.
but i'm looking forward to changing this flaw
with your help<3

positively thinking,
i'm only 19(:
so i still got time.

and i got people in my life
that i really appreciate and treasure
and draw strength from(:
i got happy memories in my mind
that i can always look back when im scared or sad

and most importantly, at least i'm alive(:
being alive is a blessing and i rmb reading somewhere before that
every breath you take is a miracle(:
no matter how sad i am or how screwed up some things in my life might be
i know all this will change as long as i'm alive
cuz when i'm alive, i can make changes
cuz when i'm alive, i got time to make changes(:
because when i'm alive, there's always hope.(:
everyone is entitled to hope.
(:
when someone feels damn sick and sian of life,
its because everything in life feels so overwhelming that
he/she has forgotten how to hope.
but with help, hope will return
because it's such a subconscious fundamental part of us(:
and this is my main motivation to be a social worker(:

so no matter what happens,
i'll just hang on to this belief of giving people hope. (:

2010-09-25T11:47:00.002+08:00

hello!(:

i just finished my south asian essay! (:
but somehow i just feel a little insecure, about whether I did all the relevant citation and stuff
so i'm not going to submit it for turnitin yet
hopefully i can find ways to improve it the next time i review it,
afterall, i have until tuesday!(:

yesterday was my social work field trip to HCA Hospice(:
had a bad start because I stupidly remembered the wrong time to report
and i still happily took my own sweet time to prepare for this visit.-.-
when i realised my mistake, i was left with only 15 min.
although i managed to get a taxi, but it was at the expense of this malay lady
which i really feel quite apologetic to, but desperate times call for desparate measures
( punctuality was emphasized by the lecturer ><)
oh well, i guess this is the inherent selfish nature of every human being.
anyway, the taxi driver was quite a nice old uncle that did try his best to make me reach as early as possible(:
i was late anyway but at least I was not the latest :D

anyway, i learned alot from my trip (:
it didn't impact me in the way that i thought it would did
maybe because we didn't have any interaction with the hospice patients
but i learnt alot from the counsellor, Elaine as well as the medical social worker Lola.
in terms of facts about social workers , hospice care
and what i feel most importantly,
which i learnt from Elaine, about her life experience.
Her determination to live her life the way she wanted it,
to add a meaningful component to her life(:
how she learnt to value life even more
and let go of the trivial stuff
when she lives in a surrounding that death is very common.

One more thing that impacted me was how people working in the hospice setting deal with death so much more.
Imagine only able to work with the client once,
see him/her for once
because him/her has left this world and is unable to make it for the next visit.
Even worse, not being able to see a client that you've been assigned to
because he has left the world
even before you had the chance to help him.
Emotionally draining , very mentally challenging
it willl really change your perspectives on life.

Result oriented people cannot handle this career
because when you're dealing with people, you need to understand that
it's not a one-man show, you can't get everything to go your way,
you need collaboration and mutual understanding.
i'm glad i'm not a very result-oriented person.
it's the process and the memories and the little bits that matter.

i realise that almost every social worker/counsellor i met
always tell me to consider my options carefully.
Although they don't express it out loud,
but i sense some doubt.
which i don't blame them, because there are people who claim to everyone that they want to be a social worker, who major in social work
and yet quit after 2 years of working in this industry.

although i don't dare confirm and say that this will not happen to me,
at least I'm confident that for now,
this is what I want in life.

Life is so short and fragile
why not live it to the fullest?
learn to accept more, forgive more, enjoy more
and think of how to make it as fufilling as possible.
enjoy every bit and every moment.
maybe you might hate this particular part or moment in life
because you feel damn tired or damn sian or u feel that ure suffering
why not take another perspective?
this is just a way of letting you feel life
understand that life can't always be happy and fairy tale like
this is a way to just let you look back on life when you're old
and think that
i've really lived. (:

i believe everything happens for a reason. (:

smile(:

2010-09-22T12:59:00.003+08:00

hello!

a quick post before i start racking my brains and killing my poor brain cells over my
south asian studies review essay. :(

sigh. frankly, i quite like writing essays but i hate writing academic essays, essays where you must cite properly and blah blah blah. =x
oh well, i'm trying to think very positively, that i'll definitely need this skill no matter where i go,
so might as well master it well. (:

anyway, i wanted to blog this down yesterday but i forgot.

i learnt something very important yesterday!(=
something that i had been thinking about recently.

i know how to sustain a long term relationship already,
the method is just to focus on the question :
how to be sweet to your other half everday?
and live each day as it is, without thinking too much(:

this answer reminds me of the answer to
how to lead a happy life?
instead of focusing on thinking about how to keep yourself happy in the years ahead,
why not just think about how you can stay happy everyday
and don't think too much.(:

haha. such a simple theory that i had derived long ago
and yet i didn't think of putting it into the context of relationships.
thanks dear<3

okayy, now it's back to my south asian studies essay!

smile(:

2010-09-20T10:27:00.002+08:00

hello(:

it's the start of recess week!
i better make good use of this week to catch up on everything that
i'm lagging behind in.

fell sick yesterday
and i'm still feeling a little of the aftereffects now :(
but i shall stay strong cuz must start work! (=

but, despite my sickness,
i think i'm a very lucky girl.
thankyou to you godbro and you pig for being so concerned about me (:
and especially thank you to you<3
for thinking for me for so many things (=
and willing to take that gamble. (=

Treasure.
Cherish.
Appreciate.
(=

that's what i need to work on.

i should stop thinking so much and just live life
for every moment of happiness
it can give me (=

i feel guilty.
and i can't help but pray that we'll always give you the strength to carry on and stay strong.
sorry for not being able to really help you with anything.
if only i can slowly break down that barrier but it's not easy
to break down something engraved so deeply for so many years.
perhaps, i'll only find the answer, the solution
when i'm older and more mature.
i just hope it's not too late.

smile(:

2010-09-18T15:05:00.002+08:00

hello,

i just need an outlet to write some of my thoughts down.

when that call came,
a mixture of guilt and shame came over me.
i think i made a mistake
and i'm afraid that that mistake might cause a permanent scar
because i understand
that for things that seem minor to an adult
they might mean the world to a child.

i overestimated myself.
thinking that i was really able to commit.
and when i realised things started going wrong,
yet i didn't have the courage to face it
kept trying to sweep things under the rug
and even letting my laziness get the better of me.

but i know that lamenting over this is pointless
because no matter how much i complain,
no matter how much i lament or feel disgusted by myself
by my idealism, my childishness, my laziness, my cowardice
if i don't take action
i'll just be stuck in my own world of self-pity.
i need to believe in what i believed back then
i need to pick myself up and reverse the damage that i have done.
i need to be a stronger girl.

how to be there for people when u're a weakling?

2010-09-11T21:11:00.002+08:00

hello!

:( i've a very bad headache that refuses to go away
and i'm feeling feverish and aching all over.

feeling SICK.

i hate being sick. cuz its when i feel the most vulnerable.

OH AND i have alot of work to do.
sian. inertia kicks in everytime i feel sick.
argh. irritated.
and constant nagging isn't helping.

sighh yet i know i shouldn't be whining away here
because even though i'm feeling sick,
i'm still considered luckier than other people
who might really be very sick or might have more work than me etc
so i should try to stop complaining so much
and hope that i'll be better by tomorrow. :)

oh well.

i'll try to jiayou! (=

2010-09-08T22:12:00.002+08:00

helloooo(:

okayy.its now 9th sept.
end of my birthday
and now i'm a 19 year old girl (=

everytime when birthdays end,
i can't help but feel a little lost and empty
but then i'll start to recap about how my birthday went
and it will just bring a smile back to my face(=
so here, it'll be a recap of today
so next time when i read this post,
i'll be smiling once again xD

anyway, the well wishes from everyone that flooded my fb, phone etc
really really touched my heart
and i truly deeply appreciate every single one of them :D
the effort behind it is all that matters
so once again, THANK YOU.

and today, i finally had my own cake cutting celebration :D
it really meant quite alot to me because dunno why,
although i joined in many similar celebrations for friends,
i never seem to get a chance to experience it because my birthday either falls in holidays
or exam periods T.T
so today, when i experienced it,
it was super heartwarming (=

although the original surprise was sort of disrupted by the heavy rain,
everything still went well(=
i totally din expect anything until brandon surprised me by meeting me at tiong bahru(:
with the cake and we cabbed to school to meet the others x)
really touched by those who turned up
brandon, xiaoxi, wanyi,melissa,muu,valerie,jieli,jiangang,weiwen,vincent,shihao,yuanhao and ewen(: especially some who came earlier specially for me or even skipped a part of lecture cuz of me, it really meant alot to me haha:D
so yup the birthday song and everything - really made me very happy(:
and i also laughed alot ;)
haha im a happy girl ^.^
and after that brandon accompanied me to lib to print notes and then back to LT9 for social work lecture(:
ohh and the letter given by jasmine was REALLY REALLY touching(:
thanks loads girl :D <3 appreciate it!
lectures were okayokay(: and after that went home with rebecca and chenying(:
thanks chenying for the post card and the toy (=
had dinner with my family after that (:
the morning cutting cake celebration was good too(:
another quan jia fu aha(:
the atmosphere was good and yeaa(:
although im feeling rather tired now, but everything was worth it (:

now that i'm 19 years old,
its really time i should grow up
and learn how to improve myself and get rid of my flaws if possible =/
im going to be more hardworking, less lazy
and more optimistic and strong(:
and i'm going to bring more happiness to pple whom i treasure
especially pple close to me:D

lets all jiayou together!(: