hello!

I don't know why but i'm stressed. damn stressed for my last paper.

Damn it. Must be because I think I screwed up for my social work paper yesterday so I'm afraid the same thing will happen today for South Asian paper.

ARGH.

=(=(

i need to convince myself that
screwing up my social work paper DOES NOT MEAN i'll screw up my south asian paper.

Zzzzzzzzzz.

hello (:

i think fate has its way of reminding me about my purpose in FASS.
Was kind of stressed last night after seeing that I actually got my first C in uni -_-
although cuz it's a science subject which i can s/u so it didn't matter much to me
but still, it made me feel quite sian. :(
and then, today morning, while watching channelnewsasia during breakfast,
there happened to be an interview with three social workers.
Suddenly, it struck me that university education is not like jc or sec sch or pri sch education,
its the real, direct pathway to my future career as a social worker.
I shouldn't be feeling the same sian-ness that I feel when studying for my final terms which are next week.
I shouldn't be focusing on them as just individual subjects because it'll seem tiring ,
but rather, I should see all of them as a step to helping me achieve my goal as a social worker faster and better (:
so it's not the desire to do well for each subject thats motivating me,
its the desire to successfully declare my major as social work and successfully taking on honours
to be the best social worker i can be
that should be motivating me(:
i guess this is an apt illustration of how sometimes we can get so caught up with everything in life that can be quite overwhelming, such that we forget the original purpose of everything we have on hand now. So, I guess we all must learn to take a step back and reflect from time to time(:

and a chat with my godbro just now
reminded me of a perspective that i used to take :
that i won't allow myself to get anything worse than a C
so that means i'll definitely only get better(:
thanks godbro:):)

anyway, the past 2 days of studying has been rather good(:
i think mainly cuz of the person im studying with<3 and all the nice food that im provided with xP
oh and i want to thank my best bf Brandon Ang for lending me his slippers cuz mine broke
and he had to walk barefooted back to his house =/
thank you dear<3 <3 <3
also for taking care of me the past 2 days
sending me home even when u had to study too
and for everything (= (= (=

now i need to go back to studying(:

smile(:

hellooo:D:D

i'm using Brandon Ang's laptop to blog xD
he says its the first time and thus implying that i should treasure it ( =

haha anyway,
my brother's Alevels seem to be in a much better shape now (:
so i'm not so worried :D
thanks to my bf for bringing me out for dinner and being so sweet to cheer me up <3
and also my godbro for listening to my whinings (:
and other pple who consoled and gave me advice :D
thankyou !
* NO THANKS TO BOB FOR WRITING RUBBISH ON MY WALL AND TRYING HIS BEST XD hahaahahah =)*

anyway, exam readings are damaging my mental health :(
always feeling damn nauseous and irritated after reading so much readings T.T
but nvmnvm, i shall try to persevere :)

but in all, except for the sucky readings,
life's still pretty much wonderful :):):)
and i should be thankful for it :D

smile(:

im worried.
although i know i can't do anything about it
but i'm still so freaking worried i can't bring myself to do anything.

it just stabs me deep in the heart whenever
i think of him going through the sucky feeling and pain of
not doing well for the very first paper of a major exam.

All i can hope and pray for( thanks for helping me godbro(: )
is that he regains his strength and confidence to overcome the not-happened
and performs to his best ability from tomorrow onwards (:
please. please. please. let that happen,
i don't mind sacrificing any possible exam luck i have or future exam grades i have
for this wish to come true.

i really really really want my wish to come true.

helllo(=

in case anyone that read my previous post and was worried about me but didn't dare ask me,
just to let you all know that

i'm fine already!(= back to my normal self (=
so please don't worry about me anymore (=

i was indeed quite down yesterday but after spending today with brandon<3, i guess it really helped (=

and now im a lot more happier and back to normal
(=

can't really tell exactly why im feeling happier but unlike when i'm sad,
i don't need to figure out why im happy
i just don't think too much and just continue to stay happy(=

time to mug for exams in 2 weeks time!!><

jiayou(=

today was a happy day because of you two <333

sisters and besties forever -) thanks for always making me feel so accepted and happy (=

okay, end of positivity. the rest of this post is negativity so SKIP it if u're not here to read negative stuff. seriously.

to those reading this part , pls DO NOT ask me about the next paragraph because you can't do anything about it , its just me so pls don't make me feel affected negatively that i have to say stuff that you can't change anything - i just need to rant and get it out. and then i'll go to sleep and tmr will be a good day again(=



i freaking hate it-im on mood swings nowadays. everything can be damn good and suddenly damn screwed up. and just when i think everything is fine, i realise that its not. And i can't figure out why it's not. totally pisses me off.
me=lousy.ittirtated.pissed.weak. frustrated. tears. troubled. irritated. dumb. sucky. sad=sleep.

ironically, i know and i will get back to normal tomorrow.(: Even if it repeats, at least it'll be less and less bad cuz i'll get stronger. (:

(=

if you're feeling down, low, depressed or just want to feel a little happier(who doesn't ? xD)
go to this website :

http://rogerdarlington.me.uk/Happy.html

about how to be happy(=

and i can add 2 more music songs to listen to when i'm down:

praan and ode to joy (=

both bring a smile to my face (=

okay i shall start being happy again(=

i don't believe that people were born to be good.
i believe that people were taught to be good.
people were influenced and impacted and inspired to be good.

as humans,
we were born with a survival instinct.
that's why we can identify well with the 7 sins
that's why we can identify well with the need to be competitive to survive.
that's why we can identify well with the desire to win and with selfishness.

it's the moral values and beliefs that were inculcated in us since young
that helps to keep all these negative parts of our character in check.
that empowers us to continue to be good, kind , understanding.
it's also our natural ability to love that nurtures all these positive values in us.

i am a human being too.
as much as i strive to be the best girl i can be,
i have negative parts in my character.
i have selfishness, envy and a wilfulness in me to want to get my own way.
i have to always put in effort to keep all these negative parts in check,
to constantly make sure that i don't hurt anyone.
thats why i always tell myself to put people before myself.

sometimes, i don't feel the way i'm expected to feel.
and that troubles me.
a perfect scenario of the clash between who i am and what i am expected to be which is also what i want to be.
i swallow these troubles because i'm ashamed at how negative and bad i can be.
i'm ashamed because i know that i shouldn't be feeling this way.
i'm ashamed because i know theres so much more in life for me to appreciate and treasure and feel happy about.
but sometimes it all just doesn't click.
expectations bring about disappointment.
but expectations also bring about improvement.
at least that's what it's supposed to bring about.

the irony lies in the fact that i know i shouldn't be so hard on myself and yet i feel that i can't.
typical struggle between the brain and the heart.

regardless of all these struggles,
perhaps i should just be thankful that i don't have more struggles to deal with. (:
but then again... :(

hello(=

I am tired. Physically tired and mentally tired. Long day plus stomach cramps =(
Nevertheless, I am happy. (= Because I gained alot today. Because today was a day that sparked off several reflective thoughts in me. Because of you <3

Last social work tutorial. My favourite tutorial.
This was a tutorial that I always put in extra effort to do research, a tutorial that I would look forward to, about what I could share and what I could learn. Each tutorial left me with a takeaway point that I know, would serve great purpose to me in my future as a social worker. Even up til now, I still remember what I learnt in my first tutorial- about how personal stereotypes could affect the working with a client. For example, if your impression of a HIV person was that he or she was super unlucky , you are already making a judgement. In fact, you might start looking at him through the lenses of a victim and more often than not, you would already break the rule of having clients on an equal footing as you. A very meaningful lesson learnt. With every step I take in social work, I realise a little bit more about myself.

For example, during the mental health setting lecture, I realise how affected I was over the issue of death. I had always thought myself to be someone strong in the face of this issue. But, when I heard Dr Nair sharing about how her colleague who had terminal cancer planned her own funeral and even went to shop for her funeral decorations with her parents, so that they will not be burdened by all these decisions when she was gone, tears just welled up in my eyes.

Because I put myself in the shoes of this colleague and her parents. Especially her parents. Imagine the pain and grief of shopping with your daughter for your funeral stuff, knowing that soon she 'll be leaving this world... which parent in this world would be willing to go through that? Sometimes, the most scary part about death is the worry about how people close to us will take it and how it will affect them emotionally, mentally and even financially. At least that's for me. Life is fragile. If we do not learn how to cherish it now, when there comes a time when we regret, it will be too late.

Yet, how many of us are guilty of complaining and whining about how unfair life is to us?
Over minor and trivial matters such as studies etc. Even I am guilty of that. But, do we ever ask ourselves, are we lucky? I think everyone with an able body, a complete family is already very very fortunate. Actually, I believe that as long as we look and think hard enough, we can at least find one reason to be lucky. And that is that we're alive. (=

Sometimes, the more we possess, the less we learn to be contented. The less appreciative we get. I still remember the uncontrollable tears when I heard the sharing by the medical social worker from KK. How she worked with this family that had so many problems within it, with every possible type of problem you could think of. She worked primarily with this girl with a brain tumour and was dying. When the girl was really going to depart this world, the mother ran all the way to the medical social worker's office and told the worker that her daughter was leaving and she wanted the worker to be there to send her daughter off. Such was the impact of the difference the worker made in the life of the family that she worked with. I was deeply touched. The mother was really very appreciative of the social worker.

I remember reading that social work is more of a taking process than a giving process, because to social workers, we take more from our clients in terms of our client's influence over us, helping to mould us into a person with stronger character and to let us be more self-aware. (=

Today, the lecture on disability reminded me of the clients at SUN-DAC. Those intellectually disabled clients. How I first came to perceive and help them and how I grew to love them for who they were. Perhaps their IQ is so low that they have no worries in the world so they keep smiling and being happy. But, isn't being happy what all of us pursue? I remember I used to wonder about the mixed feelings the parents of the intellectually disabled felt. Is it happiness seeing their child so happy or is it just a bitter smile, at the irony of the intellectually disabled feeling happy?

I always marvel at the positive outlook of life that diasbled have. After watching the video shwon today, Boon Keng reminded me of Chong Siang, this deaf and mute guy at the home thatI used to volunteer. I was always amazed by his generousity with smiles and his positive outlook in life. (= Maybe beneath that happy exterior lies a very lonely heart ,faced by alot of rejection and many scars. Yet, if this is really the case, what gives him the courage to maintain that happy exterior? I think it's his environment, the appreciation he has for people there for him and the determination in him to put others before him. These are qualities that are supposed to be found in everyone. But, why do I see it more evidently in Chong Siang? It is because he has a bigger heart (=

I always find volunteering rewarding because I see the true good human nature showing(=

For people losing faith in the people around them and in everything, try volunteering. Look and feel the sincerity and warmth in the clients. (=

Look at the positive life attitude present in the clients. Isn't it weird? Don't they have lesser reasons than us to be positive in life? Yet, why do they portray such positiveness while some of us keep remaining negative about life, pouncing on any little setback or unhappiness to wallow in self-pity and see things in a negative light?

I think the reason is simply because they are thankful for their existence. They see things simply and they live life simply. They appreciate everything they are given, even if it's that little bit. They still cherish and treasure , believing in what life can provide for them. They choose to see positive over negative. Every thing in life has a positive and negative side. It's just a matter of perspective. Sure, people can say that I'm too idealistic, the world is not that nice and fairytale like- please wake up to reality. But, I am awake to reality and when the time comes to make practical decisions, like any normal human being, I will fight for my rights and my survival.

But, apart from that, I just want to see things in a more positive light and live my life a little happier. (= If we can let go of things abit more and inject more hope and acceptance in the way we see things and treat people, won't we be smiling more? (= Smiling is contagious (= And I like to live my life making people smile.(= I can't make everyone smile , just like I can't make everyone like me and make everyone happy, but I can be myself and sincerely want to make as many people as I can happy(= and that is enough. Because if you think about it, if everyone can have this mindset, won't the world be a happier place? (=

Sometimes, change starts only with a change in perspective to life (=
sometimes, a day can start well just because you smiled to someone in the morning(=
sometimes, a simple thankyou can brighten up our day.
sometimes, the good weather can bring a smile to our face.
So, if we start being more appreciative, we will somehow feel happier. xD

social work is not all about possessing such ideals. it's really professional work. But , each of us should personalize the work that we will be doing in the future. And this is the way I want to personalize my work. I want to pass on my ideals and my beliefs to people. I want to see more people smile. (=

food for thought: what is the way you want to personalize your work in the future? what is the way you want to personalize your life?