hello (:

its boxing day! (=

yesterday's christmas was pretty okay(: met up with mingwei!
it's been a long time since i saw my bro and chatted properly with him la! (=
so it's great that our kinship and friendship still remained as strong as ever,
hence once again, proving my theory that true relationships are created not through distance or personal contact but through both people cherishing this relationship. (:
well, we chatted about alot alot of stuff and i'm really happy and glad that he's having a rather happy and content life now. (:

like always, i felt inspired and enlightened after my chat with him yesterday (=
while looking at him describing his life, his goals, his thoughts,
i realised that he was really happy (= happy with his life now.
though simple, he enjoys the simplicity, enjoying life to the fullest in the simplest of ways.
and thus he is happy.
so once again, i realised that a simple life can bring happiness.
there're some people who hanker after power, fame, popularity, money , attention etc
and in their pursuit of all these, they make their life complicated and hence become less happy.
i'm also one of these people sometimes.
when i try to remember how i used to hold leadership positions and was forever so busy,
i don't really remember much except how i had to toil through everything, sometimes even sacrificing my studies for responsibility and obligation. i don't even remember whether i was truly happy doing all those stuff, all i remember was how i was stressed and overwhelmed by so much stuff. there were probably happy times but yet very few. Also, relief seemed to overwhelm happiness.

when i came to uni, part of me was thinking whether i should be as active in CCAs as i was in the past. i wanted to rest and yet i felt i should do that and make my life more "enriching" and "exciting". Plus I don't deny that I quite enjoyed the feeling of being in power. I seldom have a passion for things so it's hard to find something that i want to try out. but i was also sick of responsibility. especially since now i have more responsibilities, personal ones like family responsibilities since my parents are growing older and money responsibilities. so while i was struggling, the chat with mingwei made me realise that I'm falling into the trap of complicating my life. I should just keep my life simple and take things as they come.

Relationships are the most important to me. The focus of my life now should be being a good daughter, good sister, good girlfriend, good godbrother , good friend, good student and a good social worker eventually. (= i should just live life simply and keep these in mind cuz I want the people I care about to be happy. When they are happy, I will be happy. (=

Anyway, had a christmas dinner at my relatives house at night. Thought-provoking. Sometimes I feel so helpless, I really want to help and yet I'm coping with the cooped up resentment in me that has been building up for so many years , coupled with the complexity of the situation with other people in the picture, I just feel the inertia with worry and anger. I need to improve myself.

But, in overall , christmas was okay. The only bad thing was that you were not around =( come back quickly dear <3

helloo! (=

it's my 1000th post!

and i shall dedicate it to my first ever uni exam results (=

i just S/U ed my GEM. well, i hope i made a right decision. because by S/Uing my GEM, my CAP improves by 0.3 , which will make my CAP rather high (= and thus save me in future sems if i happen to not do too well since CAP grades are cumulative.

oh well, i just have to make sure i work hard from now on , so that i won't be in danger of needing my S/U urgently anymore. which means i need to make sure my arts gem and my SS are good modules so that my other 2 S/Us can comfortably be used for my breadth modules.

the happiest and best result of this exam was... SOCIAL WORK(=
A :)

i was still so scared cuz i thought i flunked the exam T.T turns out I did better than I expected(=
i have a strong affirnity with social work after all. and it's my major! ^^ so i'm glad social work was my best subject! (=

the unhappiest and worst result of this exam was ... HISTORY =(
B+

and i was still rather confident that I'll get an A , guess exam and class participation marks didn't go as what I predicted. SIGH. oh well. at least i tried my best(=

no matter what, social work's my main focus
and in overall i did well, so everything's still good (=

and we will work hard together <3

thankyou very very very much brandon ang for specially coming down yesterday and accompanying me today <3

hello.

it's kind of funny but sundays always seem to coincide with self-reflection days.

just finished reading the last Harry Potter book that Brandon lent me today
and this concludes my wish of re-reading all the Harry Potter books.
Been procrastinating on this wish ever since the end of Alevels.
So I'm pretty glad that I can now strike it off my wishlist.(:

Selfless.
A word that I haven't seemed to hear or see for quite awhile
until today, when I read it in the Harry Potter book.

There's actually a thin line separating selflessness and selfishness.
A line that sometimes seems so thin and yet so thick. Some acts are seen as natural selfish acts, such as not sharing things with others. And some remain somewhat undetectable, especially when it applies to oneself. I have harboured selfish thoughts before and I still harbour them, though not to my delight and control. Chiding myself for these thoughts seems to be something inborn, for me. At times, I really wish I could be selfish and just do what I want to do but yet, there's always something pulling me back. Thoughts, consequences , responsibilities that I dread. While perhaps it is truly noble and moral to be selfless and as much as I self-discipline myself to head along that path, I am still just a human being. Human beings associate well with selfishness and negative traits because before we were civillised , I guess a certain survival instinct lay within all of us. At least, that's what I believe in. Internal struggles arise with unspoken responsibilites. Unspoken responsibilities that stem out from love. Another characteristic of a human being. All of us can love and be loved. Or rather, want to be loved.

But, there's a difference again between saying you love and really loving.
And that difference rests upon two words: Action and appreciation.
Action shows. Appreciation extends to understanding, tolerating and never abandoning.
While these two go hand in hand, different people treasure differently.
I treasure appreciation more. And how you love someone is reflected by how he/she loves you back. Even though I treasure appreciation more, I can't show my appreciation back to people who don't love me through appreciation but rather through action.
The disturbing part is that action, like words, CAN be misintepreted or be taken for granted.
That's where at the end of the day, you still need appreciation.

Love, although i know exists around me,
at times feel very very distant away from me.
Feelings of inferiority seep easily into me. Sometimes, the slightest things can hurt me for no reason. But, I don't show, or rather don't usually show. What's the point of showing? Making myself vulnerable to the people who have hurt me? Or worse still, making them feel bad that they have hurt me? Isn't that selfish of me to inflict upon them guilty feelings upon my own pleasure? I don't heal easily too. So what if I go around lamenting and complaining and expecting some form of consolation or rather, to put it crudely, wanting attention? What if I don't feel the satisfaction after doing so? Do I blame myself or blame the people whom I have told? Haven't I just made myself feel worse? So many times I have experienced, twice the pain after telling , this time increased by a burden of creating a certain front that I've indeed been helped so as to solve a certain form of accountability and "reward" for listening to me? Yes, I know that there's probably no point in this kind of hypocrisy and probably no need to. Because it's no one's fault. But , certain negative feelings will certainly arise. And it's just something I cannot neglect. Because I'm who I am.

I feel idiotically pissed off and fed up with everything yet I feel a great sense of guilt and shame to not feel happy when i'm supposed to , because I could be so much worse off than I am. Sometimes, I'm just sick and tired of living up to my own expectations, or other's expectations of what I should do. Not that being sick and tired of it helps in any way to alleviate it. But, sometimes resentment allows me to vent out in a certain way, vent out my frustrations.

I don't know when I can. I don't even know if I can.

Maybe that's why at times I like being alone. Living in my own world. whereby I don't need to face these expectations, even expectations of myself.

Damn it. I'm a damn screwed up girl.

Peaceful.

That's how I feel now.

It's been a great day. (= A whole day of family shopping and my father didn't even go to work, like what he does on normal Sundays. I can't help having the " This is Chinese New Year" feel because times like this don't come by easy for my family, except for CNY. haha. (= So,
I feel exceptionally happy. (=

My bro's Alevels are finally over. This marks a certain milestone in my family. JC education is over for both me and my brother and it's time for us to take greater charge of our lives. Sometimes, I wonder if this is the beginning of a better future. But, oh well, no one knows.
But, I truly hope so. (=

Anyway, it's peaceful times like this that set me thinking deeper about everything.

Sometimes, I wish that I could have been better and luckier. Yet, ironically, if I was really offered a chance to reshape my whole life and everything about me, I would probably rather just remain as who I am. Because I've grown so accustomed to who I am, thinking in the way I think, doing things the way I believe how they should be done and so on. But, that doesn't mean I don't welcome change. I don't deny that I resist change but I understand that change is inevitable and accepting and embracing positive changes is the right way to move on with life. When people ask me to change or want me to change, I feel somewhat resentful. Because I always feel that change should only begin when I want myself to change and it should not be because people want me to change. And so perhaps the remaining part to look at is how people who want me to change can manage to involve me and themselves in my changing process and make me want to change (:
I think so far, in terms of my character, you're the closest to doing that. (:

Words are powerful tools. Especially when used by people close to you. Have you ever been so delighted over praises from people that you love and yet also been crushed by hurtful words by the very people whom you love? Sounds contradictory but it's common. If only all of us could be more mindful about the words we use and not use words solely based on feelings. Is being tactful hypocritical? I don't think so. Sometimes when it comes to words, it's not about being fake and saying what people want to hear but it's more about saying what you really feel in a way that you would want another person to say it to you if they were in your shoes. A good point worth considering.(:

All my random rantings. But then again, randomly blogging different thoughts that come to mind on a peaceful Sunday evening is a blissful feeling.(:

Anyway, thankyou<3 for sending me home last night because it was late. Simple but sweet gesture that's worth me blogging it here to show my appreciation.

Family, boyfriend, friends. Life. (= I feel lucky and thankful.

Smile(:

hello!

it's been quite awhile since i blogged! (=

firstly, EXAMS are over! yay! ^^ it's always a super wonderful feeling because you know that it's time to relax after so much mugging x)

my first post exam week so far was overall GREAT (=
maybe partly because i saw you every day for the past 5 days <3

just a brief recap:

monday: went out with bf to celebrate! (= watched Easy A. quite a good movie , i liked the plot and the ending xD

tuesday: OG outing! HARRY POTTER MOVIE! (= wonderful movie! x) ignited my interest to read hp books again and thanks to bf, i can do that this hols! (= went wanyi's house after that , supposed to have bbq but it rained so we just chilled and slacked and ate(=
A lot of funny moments , laughed alot and really really really enjoyed myself xD
but was damn tired towards the end though =/

wednesday: lost my keys so bf sweetly accompanied me to cine to help me find my keys. and thanks to him, it was found in the end!!!!!! ^^ so thankyou brandon ang! <3

thurs: helped my bro shop for some prom stuff in the morning and met jasmine and huikee after that at Tampines (= long time since we 3 met up and we did quite alot of catching up!(: which im really very glad for (x plus we went to get ms tan's wedding present! :D after that, COT sleepover!! <3 haha i <3 COT :D once again, alot of funny moments and everything <3

fri: lunch with remaining COT pple(: and went over to bf's house to collect my other hp books! (:

in overall, i love this week :) but i haven't really sat down and properly thought about what to do in my hols though. but oh well, that can wait(: this week is meant to be ENJOYED :)

im looking forward to tmr night! (=

before i end the post,
i feel that i need to once again say thankyou to brandon ang <3 for being the best bf i can ever have. you know why cuz i told u today <3 and so, keeping it simple and sweet,

i love you brandon ang wee ming.

<3