My cousin is dying and she's like only 2 years older than me?

Although I'm not very close to her but somehow it's just saddening , or rather shocking, to feel the possible occurrence of death, especially at a young age, near you.

deep down in me, i feel a tinge of guilt and regret. Because when I first heard about her situation two years ago, i wanted to go and befriend her, i wanted to try to help her. But, I had my Alevels to focus on and after Alevels, perhaps it was inertia, perhaps I thought it wasn't urgent or anything or perhaps I was afraid of parental objection so I did not follow up on my plans to help her. Lazy? Perhaps. I know there's actually no reason to blame myself because even if I tried to help her then, I'm not a doctor that could help her in terms of her health. In fact, my efforts in helping her might not have bore fruit. But, at least I tried. I knew how pathetic her situation was and yet, I didn't put my heart into following up with actions. And now, if she really leaves, I know that I'll never have a chance to do what I initially wanted to do. Maybe I'm thinking too much. I was never close to her in the first place. But, something I learnt is that if you want to help someone, just go and do it. Don't wait and end up regretting one day.

My mum was just telling me how lucky I am to have a complete family, not to grow up in a broken family. I know. To treasure and appreciate what I have. I have many things that at times, I feel I take for granted. How do I know? Because I experience feelings of jealousy, envy, and insecurity. If I really cherished everything I had, I will be generally a happy girl , happy with life. But am I truly happy with life? I feel I can be so much better. But, I don't know how to be so much better without feeling that I'm lying to myself. I cannot control my frustrations, my irritation, my angry outbursts , my feelings control me. I try and always end up in a struggle that results in a sigh. Maybe I should try to be happier by always reminding myself of all the things I have. When Iwoke up in the morning, I don't know why but this phrase just rang in my mind:

I can't stop others from judging me but I can stop myself from caring about how they judge me.

Self confidence? Maturity? Nonchalence? Self-esteem ? I don't know. Maybe if I took a step back and realise that I am the one deciding things that matter in my life, life would be much better.

I feel that I'm ranting pointlessly because I feel rather tired to go and piece all my thoughts together in a logical fashion. It's like I'm listing thoughts that seem so politically correct , seems so positive but I'm feeling a lack of motivation to really carry things through.

Maybe what I need is a good sleep.
(:

morning (:

I haven't been blogging for awhile so I'm back to give updates about my life!

The past week was recess week for me, meaning NO SCHOOL(: But, not a holiday week because I still had to study. But, compared to those who have exams next week, I think I'm still a little more fortunate and can afford to slack a little. But, oh well, it's to make up for my busy life that's coming right up in March =/

Celebrated godbro's birthday on Saturday! (: My bowling skills aren't too bad for a beginner ^^ I enjoyed myself and I'm very happy to know that my present made my godbro very touched and happy (= That's one of the powers of Lyon's personal letter (= Anyway, godbro I know you will be reading this so once again, I must tell you to treasure your present and use it as a motivation to study as well as a reminder of your strengths as a person and a special redefinition of birthdays (= and of course, a reminder of me! =)

Oh and my brother is back from army!(= He's going back in tomorow but after not seeing him for 2 weeks, I feel very happy that he's back to rest and tell us all about army tales. Quite interesting and funny(: Though I admit I'm still feeling a sense of worry about his future days in army but I guess from my bro's experiences in army so far, i should place trust in my brother's character, his resilience and his strength and determination to make it through (: Please keep my brother safe and sound and lucky (=

I did this personality test that is super accurate but I can't copy and paste the test results here and I'm lazy to type it out so yeah, if anyone's interested in the personality test, ask me for it okay? (= But, anyway , I think I understood myself better and I understood the people around me better too. (= I went for a workshop facilitator part time job on this - a pity I didn't really copy down notes haha.

Well, recess week is coming to an end so it's back to school life =/ but never mind, school life isn't that bad either, especially with you around <3

Oh and something happened this morning that brightened up my day(: a surprise email! I'm touched to receive it because I wasn't expecting it(: But, anyway daddy, i'm glad that you're recovering slowly and im sure when you're back from holiday, you will be the old positive guy that I know(:

And one more last final note,

Jiayou Brandon Ang( I know you must be reading this too) for your mid term exams next week! (: Your hard work and efforts will pay off, I'm confident of it (: So work hard and do your best dear<3

Everyone jiayou too!

while today was a good day(:

i'm feeling extremely negative now. =(

I feel so overwhelmed.

as though i'm bottling up so many things within wanting to explode but with no place to explode.
and the pressure just keeps mounting.

damn i feel stressed.

the reason why i'm ranting on my blog is because i can't rant anywhere else, cuz i know i'll get over it and so I don't want to raise a big fuss over it.But at the same time, i don't want it to be dismissed just because i'll get over it. i want it to be addressed, i want comfort to be given, I want reassurance , I want rationality and a logical analysis about the fact that what i'm feeling is actually nothing much. I want a punching bag, I want something or somewhere that I can vent my frustrations on, where I can keep whining non-stop without feeling bad.

but i don't want to burden or disturb.

the irony in my wants.

and i miss my water bottle. =(

helloooo (:

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!
this post is a dedication to my boyfriend, Brandon Ang Wee Ming.
'Warning to other blog readers: UP TO YOU WHETHER YOU WANT TO READ'














14th Feb has always been a day that I spend time preparing small gifts for friends when I was in school. (: I always saw it as a form of Friendship Day/


But this year, things have changed. Now, I have you. <3
Today was simple. And simplicity is beauty. Simplicity brings bliss. Simplicity brings happiness. (: It's all about spending time with each other on this special day and enjoying every bit of it.

On this very special day, I want to thank you for appearing in my life.
I want to thank you for always loving me for who I am.
I want to thankyou for accepting all my weaknesses, all my mood swings, grumpiness, insecurity and yeah, the list goes on.
I want to thank you for always appreciating me.
I want to thankyou for always thinking for me.
I want to thankyou for always sending me home despite your tiredness and the long journey back home.
I want to thankyou for willing to wait for me and acceding to my requests.
So many things to thank you for , but I think most importantly, thankyou for being my boyfriend. (=


A simple relationship already requires the committment of two people. What's more a love relationship? (= I'm happy that both of us treasure this relationship very much and will do our best to maintain and preserve it . (= I'm confident that we'll have a future together and I love you very very much <3

i thought and wanted to be the best. I thought I could do it. But, i think i overestimated myself. by perhaps alot.

btw my bro called back (: at least that brings some warmth on this lonely night. (:

hello!

i feel kind of sad. Cuz CNY holiday is ending! Or already ended since I have a project meeting today and it's time to get back to work.

Anyway, just a couple of reflections about this year's CNY, it was pretty good.(: Somehow I treasured everything more, from all the traditions on CNY eve down to the family practices and just everything. It's hard to describe it but why I feel I must treasure CNY more is that I feel that change is coming for my family's CNY. As in not in the bad way but bits and pieces will change. My brother's going to the army and this means he may or may not celebrate CNY with us next year. As for me, I just forsee some potential changes in future years. I hate this feeling of insecurity, like you never know what could happen and sometimes this feeling of insecurity just swallows you, leaving you lost. I don't have that insecurity for relationships with friends, so why do I have with relationships with family? It's a self-exploration process to find the answer I guess. So for now, I guess I just have to try to think positive for everything and probably, yup, as you said, don't think too much. Afterall, I cannot predict the future so why waste my brain cells worrying about it, right? Oh well.

Anyway, one special thing about this new year is that I visited a new family- yupp I visited Brandon Ang's family.(: And received ang baos haha. They're nice people. And I'm so glad that he finally visited my family too, or rather my parents finally saw him. (: It marks a certain new milestone in our relationship, that's what I feel.

It's time to go back to studies and work and blah blah blah. I feel kind of irritated about that but sighh, what can I do right? I just have to buck up and face reality, a rather harsh one at times. But, I know there's no time for me to keep whining about it because I have my plans and things to do in Feb, March and so on. So , I need to live happily and accomplish all this things. I need to stop worrying about change. I need to accept that change is the only constant. I need to stop feeling so insecure and have more confidence in life. I need to think more positively, an ability that I feel seems to be diminishing sometimes. I need to grow up. Perhaps maturity and experience is the solution to my childish concerns.

Just jiayou bah.

=)