hello (: i suddenly feel like posting a short blog post before I go to sleep. Today has been a super tiring day. I slept only 3-4 hours last night due to SW2101 report and i woke up early just to go to my father's office to print, which after that I practically ran half of my journey home( excluding bus ride) just in case I'll be late for school and submission. I was so glad when I submitted until I realised I did one part wrongly. =( Argh. That tramautised me for the whole afternoon. But, oh well it was still my fault in not knowing about that so I just have to work doubly hard for finals I guess! But, I did some reflection about social work for today. Recently, I've been feeling somewhat overwhelmed by social work. It seems harder than I imagined, more challenging than I thought would be and I always end up feeling frustrated because I can't meet my expectations for social work. However, I realised that the road to achieveing what you want is always not easy and it's really something that you have to grit your teeth and fight for. I might not be the best student but I want to at least be a student that gives my best(: I guess for social work, because I'm learning about a profession, I'll be proficient at it one day so I just need to keep the faith. Anyway, thankyou to Brandon Ang for coming down to paya lebar to accompany me tonight. <3 I know it's because you wanted to cheer me up and comfort me(: I appreciate it loads. Sometimes, in life there's no need to aim for the best, no need to aim for everything , just aim for what you want. just aim for something that will make you happy. (:

i'm feeling horrible :(

horrible horrible horrible:(

feeling v moody, angsty and irritated with everything nowwwwwwwww...

sorethroat, fever, cough n plghem - I HATE ALL OF YOU

SO PLEASE GET OUT OF MY LIFE NOWWW

SO I CAN DO MY REPORT IN PEACE :(

morning!

haha i'm just blogging a quick post here to rant about the fact that I'm sick and that I have many things to do, including a 10 page social report due by next wednesday 12pm.

i've been sick since wednesday :( down with fever and sorethroat which lead to side effects such as headache and bodyaches and occasional bouts of nausea. Horrible feeling that makes me feel like dying each time I experience all of those symptoms when I have a high fever.

AHHHH. i just don't feel like doing any work :( especially since my sore throats really bad and i cringe everytime when i swallow :( and i feel so weak la ZZZZ. SIGH. What a bad time to fall sick, seriously.

HAIZ. but okay la, don't worry I'm still surviving (: I know the pain and suffering I'm going through cannot be compared to other people who have more serious illnesses or other people in other parts of the world. So, I'm not very very depressed about the state that I'm in.

Positively thinking, one of the good things about being sick is that I can lose some weight without doing anything. ( i hope) :) but yes, I know that's a screwed up logic. And at least I have people who care for me(:

Especially brandon ang<3 thanks for accompanying me the past 2 days even though I was quite sick and might spread my sickness to you. Really appreciated it(:

I hope my sickness goes away SOON. or rather, please let my SORE THROAT disappear!
I suspect that's the root cause of my recurring fever. Horrible sore throat!!!:(

okok i shall put a stop to my ranting.

JIAYOU to all sw2101 pple who are chionging their report too!(:

helllooooo(:

yesterday was a damn crazily busy day and i probably didn't really have any rest time, time whereby i was doing nothing( at most half an hour) all the way from 7am in the morning to 12 midnight T.T
but somehow i like busy days(= they give me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction after i'm done with them. feels like you really lived your day to the fullest (: but i can't handle every day being a busy day though T.T feeling rather lethargic now cuz my brain kept thinking about some matters the whole night and i couldn't get a good proper sleep -.-

anyway, some highlights of yesterday!

Midterm test!
Oh well. i think i did my best. it was generally quite okayyy BUT i think i made some errors already:( sighhh but never mind(: i will work harder for exam!

6th month anniversary!
So sorry i wasn't there to spend the day with you >< But i'm really glad and happy that you love my presents alot and the surprise<3 it makes all the effort worthwhile, seriously(:

MPS!
Now, this was the highlight of the day.
For the first time in my life, I attended the Meet-The-People session! Quite an interesting and eye-opening experience and I was too busy absorbing as much information i could get- really overwhelming but in a good way(: I felt so enriched and empowered after the whole session, excluding the fact that I was already half dead -.- but at the same time, i felt ashamed of myself in so many aspects. The financial aspect, the decision-making aspect and ultimately, the aspect of the role of a social worker that i'm going to take on. Procrastination and everything probably made me feel ashamed, but i will work harder! Oh and social work people are really nice(: I'm really liking them alot!

Anyway, had a chat with a group of social work peers yesterday over lunch when some mentioned their desire to do so much things in life. And last night, over the phone , you told me about working harder to get rich in the future to drive away financial woes. I suddenly realised about my lack of ambition in my life. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because I probably won't see the need to change and start being a super pumped up ambitious person. But, I just suddenly felt a little puzzled as to why I don't have much amibition in life. I understand that it's important to do well in life and live your life to the fullest but perhaps it's the goal that tires me out. Okay, maybe I'm a really lazy person. But, I feel that what's most important in life is to just live a simple life being happy , not 100% happy but feeling happy that you're doing what you like, that you have people around you there for you and that you're there for them too. But, I don't deny that having these large dreams in life really make you feel that you never lived your life in vain and that's why sometimes I struggle as to which perspective I should take. But, ultimately, I always think that what will come will come. Just do your best and live with a clear conscience and chances for success will come, chances for new ways of life will come. Probably , the problem with me leading a very goal-oriented life is that I'm afraid of failure? Learning about defence mechanisms yesterday made me realise how many people are afraid of change or cope with change and stress. Or maybe I don't always equate success to happiness, unless my happiness brings about success? Frankly, while I seem sure of my reasons on the surface, I have no idea if they are really my reasons or just defence mechanisms to explain my fear of certain things. Everything boils down to choices , actually. If only people could think more , could be more competent decision makers... we probably will not see so many people in trouble.

i guess for now, I just need to keep searching, and like what everyone says, follow your heart.

But one thing I know I'm sure of is that I'll already be very contented and happy living my whole life as a social worker because everyday I know my efforts are going to impact a person's life in a way or another. I know I have to keep facing challenges and keep improving myself to be a better social worker because in social work, I believe there's no BEST social worker , but there's only the BEST social worker one can be. I'll aim to strive for that. (:

i realise that life has so much to offer. i mean there's so many choices to make, so many things to choose from to add colour to your life and relationships to sustain happiness. But , the realistic thing is that we can't choose everything. Yes,we can aim to try to get everything but for what? Will we really be happy? Sometimes I think why we want to try to get everything is because we see different people doing different things and they all seem to be happy and hence, we want to try getting everything to get all the happiness,to prove a certain sense of achievement and capability. But, will we really be happy? Or will we become lost in our busy lives, not sure why we're taking so much on, not sure what we're actually going to feel happy or feeling lost about? For life to be meaningful, we shouldn't be lost in our lives, we should search and explore for what we really will be happy doing. The choices that will really make us happy. Life is not about proving anything to anyone, is not about comparing lives with other people, is not about getting the best and getting everything- life is about just living it happily. We only have one life. Shouldn't we spend it on things we really want, things that will make us really happy? Living for the sake of being the best will really be so tiring because you'll never going to be contented. You'll keep asking for more and more , up to a point, you'll be unable to take everything on anymore and you won't know what really mattered to you in the beginning. People who lead their life knowing what they want to achieve, not achieve to prove anything , but achieve because they know it'll make them happy, are the happiest in life. (: And I know I want to be in that category.

There were so many times whereby i struggled with decisions, influenced by other people. Times whereby I longed for recognition and achievement , times whereby I longed for things that I didn't have. Times whereby I had recognition , I had achievement, I had so much more than other people but now loooking back on those times, I wasn't happy because I had so much, I was at most, feeling abit of pride but pride came with a price of sacrifice and fatigue. Contradictions in life. People always say try new things for the experience and if that was really true, we should try everything because we want to get so many experiences and then , there comes the question of happiness- should we try things for the sake of trying them because we want to get an experience out of them? or should we try things not just for experience, but knowing we have an interest in them and we'll regret it not trying because it would have changed our life significantly and made us happy?

ahhhhh. i seem to be using my blog as a dumping ground for all my random thoughts but nvm la hor, that's what a blog is for.(:

i'm tired. tired of thinking , tired of trying to find out why i'm feeling what i'm feeling, tired of everything that's been making me feel down recently. sometimes i just want to go and sleep ,cuz i know i'll feel much better after i wake up in the morning. yes, that's such a pathetic thought ?

i've been thinking. is it expectations or is it just me? but then again. why is it me? am i too used to putting blame on myself or is it that it's really just me? i don't know. i don't know what i'm feeling and to tell the truth, i'm abit scared of what i'm feeling because i don't know how to answer for what i'm feeling. i don't know why i'm not feeling like how i used to feel. i don't know if i'm really not feeling what i used to feel. well, yes i can always put this whole episode aside and continue being my happy girl.. but what if it comes back again? i feel that it will. cuz it did before. i feel so stuck and guiltily angry for being stuck. but trust me when i say it's not anyone's fault. somehow at the end of the day, it all seems to be my own fault.

sometimes i'm tired of thinking too much for people.
but dun wry , despite this thought, i know that to be able to think for people is a gift. chong siang demonstrated this to me 4 years ago and it's something that i'll never forget. (:

anw, today was quite a good day(:

okay i'm back for another listing thoughts down post! (:
but this will be more positive .

back to my cousin's case, i think escapisim as a parent is freaking immature. I mean, fine, all of us probably has some form of escapism tendencies, but for a parent to have it towards her child, to not care for her child just because she does not want to deal with all the different problems that the child, i just think it's shocking. Perhaps I'm judging the parent too soon, like she might have her own problems to cope with, but then there's always a way out of it, it's just a matter of how much effort you want to try. and i suddenly realised that there's a difference between hearing that someone has a boyfriend and thinking about why someone has a boyfriend. =/
i just hope this could be a blessing in disguise. (:

anyway, thankyou godbro for sharing some of your thoughts with me (=
for the benefit of other people who read my blog, I'm going to share my reflections about what you taught me . You made me realise that being better does not necessarily mean not making mistakes, being better means to be nearer and closer to who you aspire to be, to be ultimately , you. sometimes, mistakes are a way to be better. sometimes, the struggles i experience, the thoughts i have and everything negative about me is just a symbol of who i am. And hence, I don't always need to be frustrated with having all these within me, I don't always need to be very hard on myself, I just need to be aware of who I am and analyze within myself how to be a better person. Despite how lousy I think I am and how lousy I actually am, at least the positive thing that won't change is that you won't find another person entirely the same as me and this uniqueness makes me who I am. (:

In addition, there's a difference between improving because you think you have to and improving because you know you want to, and that's when you also know that you are ready to.

I suddenly realised that maybe all along, I haven't fully accepted myself for who I am yet. But, I'll work on it. (: