Anger and frustration can be such a scary thing.. it creeps into you, fills your whole body with boiling rage and it's really your willpower that keeps you from exploding...
but then you get choked with emotion, you get suffocated by the possibly consequences of different actions...you feel maimed by these consequences - you wish you could let everything out but you know that it's not what you really want when you have cooled down...anger makes people do stupid things , things that they regret and i'm not going to fall into that trap.

But, no one's perfect. Anger affects the way I speak, the expression on my face, the irritation in my tone and simply how I communicate. And after all these have happened, guilt starts to creep in- thoughts such as " have i been too harsh? was i too overbearing? " start popping up in my head. Yet, ironically, the victim's supposed to be me.. or is it? Or is it just a different perspective I'm taking from you? I know you're worried, you're anxious, you're stressed too. I keep my temper in check because I knew this. And yet, i suppress my own emotions of stress .. i start thinking if I have been doing things right, about whether I have handled things and myself well.

Sometimes, at these points, I feel so overwhelmed that helplessness crawls in too and i just feel like bursting out in tears because it's always at this vulnerable moments that because i think i'm just being too complicated, no one understands or rather, no one will bother to really understand. let's face it, this is MY own issue and something that only I can deal with it.

Recently, I have been thinking about what I want in my life. I know that I am a fortunate girl with many blessings in my life and yet when I look at others, when I look at what's happening at another end, I feel small and I feel that I want what they have too. But, is that really a want? Or is it a human desire to win, to be competitive and greedy ? It should be the latter, right? It takes courage to live your life the way you want it to be, and it takes wisdom to be sure about what you want in life and achieve it/be contented with it as you live life , to stay happy. (:

Life is so fragile. I want to treasure it, I don't need to prove my life to anyone, I don't need to prove myself to anyone, I don't need to feel small , insecure and not liked. Even if I'm really not liked, even if I'm outcasted, even if I'm a nobody, does that mean I can't be happy in life? Does that mean I'm to be labelled as a failure for the rest of my life? No, life doesn't work that way. Being happy is a choice. Even when you don't feel appreciated or loved enough, always believe that somehow you will be appreciated and loved again by another person. (: No matter what we go through, as long as we can make choices, we can choose to be happy, to live life happily.

Intellectual and simple. I like that description. (:

hello(:

it's been a good week for me (:

Slack moments, tiring moments, exercise, thought-provoking moments
but i feel that the most impactful event of the week is the end of GP!

It's really been an amazing experience and i am truly very thankful for a bunch of wonderful youths and 2 very fantastic colleagues to work with :) It's as if my passion for making a difference in someone's life rekindled again -the smiles they brought to my face, the bright smiles that I see on their face, the growing hope in me that really wants them to do well for their future -- I never thought I'd really like this group of youths and even feel touched by their words of affirmation. (: It's as if I participated in their growing up process and they've graduated.. Although I know that there's a limit to the impact of GP or even my influence, I just hope that they'll remember me and keep my card of affirmation and encouragement and read it in their sad and discouraged times. (: They make me want to work with youths, they make me understand that sometimes it's just really going down to their level or appreciating and understanding them as who they are and not judging them but treating them with respect . (:

I still remember smiling all the way home on the MRT over the affirmation... it's a warm fuzzy feeling and a feeling i want to remember forever. (:

And of course,without my two fantastic partners, I could have never obtained such a steep learning curve (: Without the rapport with them, I will not have enjoyed GP that much... (:

Mixed feelings-- that's what I have at every end of a bond that I build with people.. happy yet sad... but thankful that in my life, i had such an experience (:

I really want to keep smiling and influence people to smile , influence them that we can live life positively and there's hope in life. (: In a way, this helped rekindle my passion for social work.. to give hope (: I just need to be who I am, be the smiley girl I want to be around people and do my best for them :D I know there's only so much I can do but I want to make sure I do my best (:

That's how life is, I guess.. there's always constraints and obstacles but there's something we can always do-- stay positive and do our best :)

Anyway, had an interesting conversation about christianity and religion..which did get me thinking a little about my religious orientation.As of now, i want to be a free-thinker and not bounded by any religious rules. I welcome change but I want to be in control(:

Hello!(:

I'm blogging now because i want to take a break before i start all my work.

So far, placement life has been good :) The only thing to possibly complain about is that i don't have alot of cases but in other areas, the exposure is good, the environment is great and the people are super nice and my placement mates are fantastic :D About 4 more weeks to go.. I feel like I must really buck up and make the most of the time left for me.

Anyway, yesterday I finally went exercising again, walked for 11 km! o.O my legs were aching like hell yesterday and I was out for like 14 hours? But, it was a really fruitful and fufilling day, this I must admit :D

I had APT meeting yesterday, my first APT meeting.. It was a little alarming for me because while i joined for personal reasons, i had never thought about the team I was going to be placed in and when I got to know them, all of them are really professional and have more experience than me in this area of project management. I feel the sense of inadequacy that I should use as a motivation to spur me on. I actually questioned myself about whether I made the right decision to go for this thing but then when I did that, I realised that that was an act of cowardice.. i was giving up because I felt that I lacked confidence.. but the reason for me joining was to learn and hence, since I made the decision to be in it, I will do my best and believe and see for myself, what I can achieve :D

So yes, the rest of the week will be pretty busy.. but i'll persevere =)

hello (:

i'm feeling really tired now- these few days have been really tiring :(
but i'm happy that i had busy but fufilling days :D

travelling is really really tiring :( and expensive too!
I realised a new type of bliss- getting able to be cabbed back and just resting and sleeping in the cab :D

i always thought i was non-judgemental and very client-centred
but today's esu session proved me wrong. i guess i really need to explore about what aspects of me are really not what i think i am =/

Anyway, i met up with people that i haven't seen for a super long time yesterday!
I guess fate really works in the most unexpected ways but i'm glad for it(: i realise that there does seem to be a reason for the order of things that happen in my life and life is all about looking ahead, not just about looking back because what's past is already past, what's in the future should be cherished(: And yes, i have signed up for the youth mentoring! Peer pressure? ( I'm the perpetrator haha:D ) Well, i guess it's because i was logically thinking it out that i'm not sure if i will want to go for exchange next year and i'll definitely want to focus on my honours for my fourth year which leaves me with this year that i'm most free from july to dec and that is why i should go for my youth mentoring programme. (:

And i think it's mainly because i had always wanted to be a mentor involved in a mentoring programme as i feel that it's really one of the most meaningful mentoring activities ever because you really get to reach out to someone and make a difference in his/her life. (: I had just been too lazy and busy to really go achieve this vision of mine and now that this chance has presented itself to me, i feel that i should treasure it or else, i might regret it. So, i must tell myself that:
Lyon, you better buck up in your time management!(:

Anyway, i had such a tramautic experience today whereby i actually felt like fainting while in the toilet in the midst of a terrible stomachache :( And when i mean felt like fainting, i really meant what i said- i experienced vision blurness, nausea , weakness and all the symptoms that i felt everytime i feel like blacking out. And i even resorted to drinking tap water because i was too weak to move out of the toilet and i didn't want to faint in the toilet:( After which ,i mastered all my strength to go out and get something sweet to eat. I gradually recovered and felt better except that the weak feeling remained - it was really tramautic because i felt really alone and really scared that i was going to faint anytime and it was really mustering all my strength and willpower to keep myself sane and to carry on preparing to go out for work even in my fainting state. And the most weird question that i kept asking myself was how did i even manage to feel this way when i was in the toilet with a stomachache? :( Regardless of what it was, i really hope it never comes back because the feeling was so super awful. :(

but luckily i managed to survive the rest of the day until now, when i'm back home(:

i feel like doing work but i'm so tired T.T i think i'll go sleep because tomorrow's another long long day.

smile(: