just a quick post before i go and do my work..

Uni life has plagued me, unfortunately, at times with doubts about what I am actually doing about my life. Nope, I don't doubt my studies - social work has always been something that I want to study and I'm enjoying studying something that I'm interested in. Perhaps it's because I don't really know what I really want out of my university life- I mean, yea I have an idea but sometimes, comparison clouds my vision and keeps me feeling unsatisfied, uncontented and yet clueless about or why I'm really unsatisfied and uncontented. And in times like these,
I feel even more lost about what I have believed in , about whether they are really reasons or just excuses for failure or laziness.

I realise that I've mainly been doing things that I see the value it holds for my future. If I see no future value in it, I won't feel so inclined to doing it. But, then maybe I'll subconsciously feel very tired about planning for my future , working hard for my future, instead of just enjoying myself in the moment. I'm not a live-in-the-moment person.. or maybe I just don't dare to be such a person. I don't know why though. I wish I could sometimes be really carefree, just do what I want to do, stop caring about the people around me, the world around me and just put myself in priority, just do whatever I like and live my life as a single individual without any worries or things that I can't let go. But, yet it's so hard to muster the courage to lead such a life - i think I'm scared of consequences. I don't want to do things I regret and that's why I plan. And that's why I subject myself sometimes to struggles that only I understand. Personal struggles- maybe that's what it's called. I'm waiting for someone to come and enlighten me but I kind of doubt the appearance of such a someone because ultimately, perhaps I should be the one enlightening myself.

Life hasn't been too bad lately. (: But , neither has it been too good. Or even good. I want my life to be better, I want to be lucky and get what I want. But, recently, I feel that some things are just out of my reach. I'm just not the one with the right luck to get it. Lows and Highs. I treasure my social work friends though(: They keep me happy and looking forward to go
to school.

I want someone to relieve my burden. But then that's selfish and wishful thinking, for no one except yourself can truly take away your burden. If only things could be as simple and wishes could come true(:

hello(:

today's my chinese birthday.(:

The day started out badly because i made a wrong decision and hence,screwed up something
that i had spent alot of effort on. It's kind of ironic because I thought my birthday would bring me luck :( but oh well, at least I got over it(: and the rest of the day went well <3

While i was emo-ing on the way to school, i was thinking about how not being able to " let go" and not "cry over spilt milk" was a big weakness of mine. Whenever I do something wrong, I'll emo and dwell in self-reproach or misery and regret, always trying to climb out of the wrong and be positive again. I have a certain faith in myself that I'll get out of this rough patch , i'll learn from my mistakes and be a better person but yet, there's just this monster crunching away on my negativity in my heart that keeps me frustrated and sad. But, it's just how to cope with my negativity and start afresh. afterall, why live life so negatively , right?(:

let that be something for me to work on(:

hello(:

today's a wonderful day because two people brightened up my life.

First, I met Ms Tan who passed me my reference letter. Even though she's so busy,
the fact that she could still make time to write for me and give me goes to show much
i mean to her and how much she cares for me.(: It's people like her in my life that
always give me the motivation to go on to do what i want to do and what i believe in doing.

Secondly, there 's this guy. His name is Brandon Ang.
He actually came all the way down from Queenstown to my house , which meant sacrificing precious time as well as braving the cold rainy weather( which he does not like) , just to buy herbal jelly for me because I told him I felt a little sickish cuz I felt heaty and had abit of running nose in the morning due to the cold weather. <3
And he braved the cold rainy weather and sacrificed time again and went back home , after seeing me eat the herbal jelly.
Plus, He did not want me to catch a cold while eating the herbal jelly so he made me wear his jacket.
And He did not want me to accompany him for dinner because he did not want me to be in the cold weather and fall sick. (:
He came down all the way to surprise me also because he was worried for me and because he knew that I was not feeling well and yet had to do housework so he wanted to come and motivate and comfort me.
<3 he's the sweetest boyfriend on Earth, that I could ever have. I was so touched that I
actually cried. <3 (:

When a guy is capable of making me feel so warm, loved , blessed and touched to the extent that I actually cry, I know he's the right guy for me, a guy that I will be sweet to, treasure and appreciate for my whole life.

thanks for the surprise (: (:

hello (:

life is getting busier, with tutorials kicking in this week.
But, i'm happy. (: Because I feel that I am very blessed to be able to have such good friends which some of them are great company to hang out with in school.

CFE orientation was on Saturday! Looking forward to be a youth mentor :D

Had a meet up with Jinghuan, Alvin and Peng Yong on Sunday :D YLF (: a pity the rest
could not make it! Enjoyed myself alot - sometimes, it's really amazing how our bonds and friendship are still there even after about 3 years- they're a group of people that
I will always remind myself to treasure!

I received a surprise note which brightened up my day(: as well as was there for a very good friend (: sometimes, it's really these simple things that brighten up our life. or rather, brighten up my life.

I will jiayou!

(:

Thought of the day (:

Sometimes, i find myself being stuck inbetween obligations/expectations of certain roles i have to be and myself. Is it responsibility? Is it maturity?
There's a thin line between doing what one wants and immaturity, just as how there's a thin line between maturity and obligation. When the line becomes blur, how do we reconcile both and mark the boundaries so as to come up with a balance?

hello!

School is finally going to start very soon!

Suddenly, I really dread it. I actually remember looking forward to it just awhile back
because this semester's going to be really different from the previous semester-
i'm taking 4 modules and I have to juggle 2 additional committments! So, it's funny how something in me just dreads school starting again.

Sometimes, I just want to slack my life away. (: I just wish I had tons of freedom, tons of money, tons of time and a no-matter-what-i-do-i-will-still-be-the-same ability. I want to try all the different kinds of food, play all the different kinds of sport, experience new things, make more people smile and the list goes on. (: But, at the same time, I feel an inertia within me, I feel like I can't bring myself to do so much, I feel very lazy and I don't want to start on anything at all. :(
And THIS is frustrating me.

At this juncture, I need to regain some hope, some optimism, some energy about how bright my future can be and how I should just enjoy life and just do it , just overcome the inertia. I need endurance, I need perseverance, I need faith and most importantly, I need to believe.

It's easier said than done though. Zzzz.

hello (:

i'm here to update my blog! :D haha i feel motivated to do so after seeing that some people still read my blog.

Anyway, it's the REAL holidays for me now, ever since Tuesday 4pm! (:
The feeling of liberation really rocks and although it's true that I haven't really got many
days for REAL holidays, somehow I'm still optimistic about my holidays and i really treasure every single bit of it. (:

Tuesday was spent celebrating my end of my internship and internship assignment with my bf <3 thanks for the dinner and the food and sharing my fav lime sherbert ice cream and most importantly, for just being there. (:

Wednesday- i went out to swim in the morning! (: Such a wonderful feeling and I think I grew a little tanner! After that went to meet Jasmine and Miss Tan for lunch- it's like been such a long time since I met up with both of them , together (: And at night, I went for dinner with Charm and Dorea <3 oh man i love these 2 girls (: they're like the most valuable present that I got from my internship :D

Anyway, yesterday was a reflective day for me because of my talk with Jasmine.(: I feel that I am really more open to such confrontation style talks now perhaps because of my training in social work , which makes me realize that I will have to learn how to deal with confrontations sooner or later.

To cut the long story short, I shall share about my most important takeaway- about friendship. I feel that I have been subconsciously sucked into the culture of wanting to have many many friends - maybe it's uni life, maybe it's me- but it's something I know since long ago that I do not want because I rather have few friendships that are really strong and deep than many shallow and weak friendships. I feel that I have become greedy- I hanker after what I don't have and end up neglecting or not treasuring what I already have- and in fact, treasuring what I already have is easier because it's there already.

I am going to make a list of friends that I wish to keep for life and make an effort to stay in touch and provide support and encouragement for every one of them.(: And instead of me actively finding such good friends, I shall leave it to fate to see who continues entering my list and who leaves my list, but on my part, I know I have done my part in preserving friendship, things like taking initiative to ask for meetups- i know taking initiative can sometimes be very tiring but i'm fine with it because sometimes all it takes is initiative to make a friendship stronger. (: