Saturday, April 28, 2012

6:36 PM

Hello! (:

It's exam period! >.<

Can't wait for exams to be over!

Anyway, here are some thoughts about today's exam( it bothered me quite alot :( )

I think I could have done better for today's exam.

I could have did Dr Nair's question better in terms of essay structure and even

critical analysis in answering the question.

I dvelved into the question too fast, not fully analysing it nor planning it as I think I had this

assumption that it was similar to my assignment question and I was also afraid of my time management.

I was too caught up in the points rather than the essay- which coming from someone like me who's so used to writing essays - is a really stupid mistake to make and I can't help but feel this sense of disappointment and regret. It's especially heartwrenching because Dr Nair will be marking my essay. I really wanted to do well or at least show some standard and do my best. I think it would be unfair to say that I didn't do my best because I really did , as shown from how I did not give up and wrote as much as I could, trying to incorporate as many points as I could and made decisions to manage my time well and complete the essay. But, what I regretted was how my "best" in that situation was unfortunately, not the usual " best" in exam situation. So it equates to me feeling super SIAN ttm.

I mean, yea MAYBE bell curve will help me. But, the questions that I did were quite popular and I think most importantly, I feel like I cannot really account to myself- how could I have been so silly to not take note of essay structure, which is SO important in exams, which can differentiate a mediocre essay from a well-written essay? It pains me because this structure was something that I always used as a tool to score, at least during JC history exams la.

Sigh. I think I'm going to screw up this module. :( I know what's done cannot be undone but at the same time, I can't help but wish that I could turn back the clock. Oh well, positively thinking, at least I finished the exams, did quite okay for the first paper, wrote alot successfully within time limit and managed to gather what I learnt. Also, I guess what matters at the end of the day is that after taking this module, even if I don't get good grades, I know that I'll definitely remember what was thought and be a child-centric social worker next time. (: And also, I guess I need to form the base at times la huh haha , after what Nun questioned me about whether I could be at the base once in a while haha. And I think how I can move on from this, which I derived after talking to Brandon , is that sometimes when mistakes are made, even though they sting and hurt and make me feel stuck, I guess what's therapeutic in learning to let go is to accept that I have in fact , made a mistake- afterall, no one's perfect- and I need to FACE UP to this mistake and accept the CONSEQUENCES. At most, I don't do well lor- not that I'll die horribly or something. I'll be sad but I know that this is what I deserve because of my bad performance and it's only fair in life that I get what I deserve( usually la haha).

I feel better after blogging these disturbing thoughts down. Was really quite sian as I actually went to the extent of reading my exam paper and analysing what I did by trying to recall what I wrote. :( Oh well. (: I guess it's time to move on- I've mourned for my mistake and now it's a brand new challenge that I need to face- at least I won't allow this mistake to happen in SW2106.

Jiayou! (:

Saturday, April 21, 2012

10:18 PM

" Flying without wings" by Westlife is a wonderful song to listen to

when you're feeling low and irritated with everything that's going on.

At least, that's accurate for me. Perhaps it's because it reminds me of my childhood. (:

Afterall, it was once the ending song for a Pokemon movie that me and my bro watched together when

we were young.

I really loved my childhood.

I remember being a really happy and carefree child.

Of course I had my fair share of worries about studies and stuff,

but it was different as compared to my life from Secondary One onwards,

because of the problems that I had to face and cope with from my family.

While I'm glad that those times were over,

repercussions still remain. Guilt , hurt and frustration still plague me and these

translates into tears at times- I think that sometimes, crying is really therapeutic.

Just like just now, that sudden overwhelming urge to cry just because of pent up emotions

and thoughts and frustrations that no one can really understand its magnitude and significance, except

me.

But, don't get me wrong. Life's really still treating me well. (:

Apart from these issues, everything still seems to be pretty alright. There's still much to treasure

and people who love me and especially all the memories that never fail to cheer me up

when I'm feeling down. (; I'm really comforted by all these, just that at times,

I just feel the need to rant , to pen down some of my negative thoughts, in a space where I can do so freely,

with no one to think for. That's why I love my blog. (:

Okay, I feel much better. (:

Exams are approaching and OMG I feel that I've been a big fat slacker :(

Zzzzz. Time to buck up, like seriously!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

11:44 PM

hello(:

happy day today!
in fact, i think it's a lucky day today (:

met charm for breakfast- it's been so long since i ate macs breakfast
and the time spent with charm was <3 :D

and then was child centric discussion!(:
mentally stimulating in a way(:

and sigh i feel really quite sad that dr nair's leaving - i mean, she's like the person who went through the official start of my nus social work journey with and her absence will really truly mean a loss for so many sw students to come(: i guess this is the inspiring power of what a teacher can do :D we need many more such wonderful lecturers like her!

I think I feel somewhat closer to her cuz she's been my tutorial teacher for like all the mods I took with her and surprisingly, i do extremely well for her assignments ( i'm flattered but yet really feel thankful and lucky for it :D ). She's never failed to inspire me with her ideals- someone i do hope to emulate even a little, when I step out to work as a social worker.

anw i had a fun day today :) i love my sw friends VERY VERY much <3

tired.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

10:45 PM

hey(:

I feel super blessed today.

This day started with me taking a very therapeutic walk for 1 hour :D
as I felt the wind in my face, I realised how blessed I am to be alive (:
to be able to appreciate the simplest sights, what we see everyday, hear , smell , feel-
the feeling of being alive makes me feel very thankful (:

Met up with Shur, sham and nun for studying, lunch with them and debs, jiamin and bf
and we went to watch " Mirror Mirror" with them, alv, joseph, rachel, zawi and had a great dinner after that :D

Loads of fun, laughter and I really enjoyed myself so super duper much <3
I feel really thankful for this wonderful bunch of friends(:
was discussing with debs as we boarded the train home-
that somehow after the captain's ball game, we have sort of formed a group (:
and considering that some of them had more than 3 exams,
the fact that they were willing to come really shows their sense of belonging to part of this group
and the cohesion that's slowly being built up , which really is very heartwarming :)

It felt like exams were over, honestly.. haha(: Sinful but I'm happy.
I think my social work friends make me a better and happier girl- the positivity they bring to my life really impacts and influences me <3 i felt so super blessed on the way home ;)
cuz it's not just them, but i received random encouraging msgs from my godbro and soulmate<3
with such amazing people in my life, i can't help but feel so very blessed
and if i did not treasure this gift in life that i have, i would suffer retribution for not being contented la haha. (:

Shamini's note and deb's welfare pack also made my day! ^^:D

and last but not least, the special sw bestie that i want to dedicate part of this post to!

haha i was so very touched to find an orange envelope on my table when i reached home!
after a whole day of blessings, receiving this envelope made me super duper touched!!!
It's the first time someone actually mailed me an encouragement letter and some small gifts!(:
Nornally, people will just mail me cards so yea i sincerely appreciate this act and for that, you deserve this special blog post <3

Thank you for putting in the effort to write a sweet thoughtful letter and giving me such nice gifts <3 :D It's been an awesome time with you as you're also really so amazing :D Many positive traits in you that I really sincerely admire and will constantly remind myself to learn from haha. We must mutually learn from each other :D And you know me so well ah( about the letter part) :D

And same same, I feel that the level of trust between us and rapport has really reached such a high level that we can confide in each other freely and comfortably and this is something I really really x infiinity treasure(: And yes yes, I believe that friendships must go through some " tribulations" to strengthen and yes, I'm sure with both our maturity levels, we will be forthcoming and handle it maturely (: I look forward to being placement mates with you too! :D:D I feel it'll be a really fruitful experience too! Yay shopping, studying , movie buddies and MANY MANY MORE !

Thanks for being so sweeeeeeeet !I appreciate it , from the bottom of my heart :D

I am feeling very thankful, happy and glad for everything I have in my life. <3

12:12 AM

hello(:

it's the first day of reading week!
i studied! but not alot though ><
oh well :) it's okay- i have a few more days to go!

somehow, i feel kind of liberated nowadays,
whereby i feel that the notion of "live by the day, you never know when your life's going to end"
has become stronger (:
Nope, it's not something negative because it's linked to death
but it actually brings out the beauty of life- at least in my eyes.

Suddenly, some thing don't seem as important as they were,
while now , the people in my life start to be more important-
i feel like there's so much to treasure and appreciate-
and that feels me up to the brim with happiness(:

I think I kind of better understand what Dorea told me before,
like when you get to a certain point in time,
you start to realise that actually all you need are a few really close friends and
close group of friends- you won't find the need to be really sociable, be chummy with everyone or feel the need to be popular and liked among people- because all these don't really matter.
Which I agree, while I strived to be sociable and well-liked in the past to some extent,
nowadays, some stuff has made me realize that actually, i love the small group of close friends i have the best (: I won't go and chase after or do my best to retain or refind certain friendships that I feel that have no meaning to me or that just is not as significant as my other friendships-
not to say that i don't treasure my older friends but it's just that sometimes, when people drift away and time makes things a little too awkward, then so be it. Haha I guess a symbol of true friendship is that no matter how long time has passed between the two, the feeling of care, concern , comfortability and acceptance feels the same and that will enable both to click , just like how they clicked before. (:

Also, true friendship does not need to be maintained by close contact. :D
I think friendship is all about what the heart feels (: it's about trust and acceptance.

As I type this post,
I start to think about how perhaps I'm starting to be not as "nice" as before,
but what's important is that I think i'm getting happier than before. (:
By not forcing things to be the "normal and nice" way it should be,
but rather following my heart about things-
i think that's really a higher level of happiness and personal identity:
the need to just be who I am.
How I need to realise and accept that I'm not perfect
and strive to be the unperfect but accepted Lyon in the hearts of those who love me for who I am . <3

Saturday, April 14, 2012

6:43 PM

hello!(:

Just came back from a 21st birthday party! And I think I have another one tomorrow! haha(:
I feel that 21st birthday parties are just so SWEET <3
Imagine people who have made an impact in your 21 years of life all coming
together to celebrate and sing birthday song for you, with their hearts full of sincere well wishes for you <3 I believe that moment is priceless. And secretly, I think I long to have that moment of my own too haha.

Since this is the "21st" birthday year, I'm sure many will face issues of "whether to go for someone's 21st if it might be a little awkward because of social issues such as cliques and stuff".
I do face them too. But, ultimately, I feel that my stand is that 21st birthday parties are such precious events to the person himself/herself and I should not decline the invitation and not go because of insecurity issues or fear of awkwardness because of social issues - because all these will not kill me and probably being there in physical presence to show my friend that I value the friendship with him/her means so much more :D It's easier said than done but so far, I think I'm doing it well.

And also the issue of "who to invite" if hosting a birthday party. haha(: It's such a real issue because while you don't wish to offend or hurt people, you would hope to make your birthday event somewhat more exclusive haha. sigh. probably why some don't hold 21st birthday parties.
While I share the same sentiments , I can't help but wonder whether I should hold one for myself, one that at least when I am old, I can look back and remember how I gloriously celebrated my 21st :D haha. oh well, let's see how it goes.

Now, it's work time~

Friday, April 13, 2012

8:48 AM

Morning! (:

I'm currently in a reflective mode now, reflecting about who I am as a person,
what impact I wish to bring to others , the rationale behind my actions and my fears.

As I prepared over 30 encouragement notes and gifts on Wednesday night and yesterday morning, I knew I was sacrificing time( 30 plus encouragements notes and gifts were no joke- especially with the length of the note and the effort I put in) and sleep. But, yet I still persevered on and did it. I love writing personal notes to people whom I appreciate because I can express myself much more freely and better on paper than verbally. I love receiving notes and when I imagine how happy others will be when they receive my note, it just warms my heart and inspires me to continue writing to them. (: I believe in personalizing every note because this note is a msg just between me and the other person, a symbol of what we have been through and the relationship we have. In addition, what made writing all these 30 plus notes more meaningful is the fact that I'll be going for exchange next semester and I may not be taking social work modules in NUS with some of these people whom I'm writing to. As saddening as that sounds, I'm pretty sure I'll see them in working life but I still want to write to them, appreciating their presence in my social work student life and to keep in contact!(: How many chances do I get to appreciate them like this? This " once-in-a-lifetime" thought always motivates me to write to people, because I know that if I don't grab this opportunity to appreciate and thank them for being in my life, there may not be another apt occasion to do so. Perhaps some think it's a waste of time, like my mother , who will nag at me for doing this kind of stupid stuff- but at least I know this is what I can do and want to do to make that little difference in people's life. I don't expect returns although I'll be very happy if they reply me with a thankyou message. That smile on the faces when they receive it makes everything worthwhile. ^^

But, I'm not perfect. At times, I will doubt myself and wonder if I'm doing this secretly to be nice and liked by people, or to want others to take this chance to appreciate me and make me feel good about myself. I mean, that's a really real concern for me because one of my greatest weakness is that I desire to be liked by people and try my best to please people. Sometimes, I wonder why this is so.. and recently, I think I have some clue on why this has surfaced in me for so long. Perhaps it was because I witnessed rejection , how one close friend of mine was strongly rejected and sticking with her made me experience this rejection and isolation. Not that I regretted sticking with her, given a choice, I would stick with her definitely. But, that feeling of being rejected, not liked, struck me as really scary and something that I did not want to go through ever again. Even though I think I'm quite fortunate in that I haven't experienced real rejection by friends before, yet this fear still sticks in me and arouses certain negative feelings when I become a little too sensitive to interaction patterns that may not include me. Also, I realised how I will be very sensitive towards the issue of inclusion and exclusion- who do I want to include and who do I want to not include- these are issues that trouble me sometimes. Do I get troubled because I don't want to be hated by people?

I thought about these issues in the morning while I was taking a morning walk. And I realised that while these fears stay in me, they are starting to get faint and the reason pushing me for doing these nice things is not to be seen as nice but to genuinely make a small difference in someone's life and make them smile. (: As I think about those who are really close to me, those who I have ultimate faith in that they will not judge me, I can feel the desire to do special things for them because they mean so much to me and I want to make them happy and show them my appreciation. As for those whom are not really close to me, even though there may be elements of wanting to be nice to them, what I want ultimately is to appreciate them, appreciate them for their presence because even though we're not that close, they have touched my life in some way or another and years down the road, I know I will still remember them. It struck me that certain acts just bring more than the benefit that you want- like how me writing notes to them will make them happy( something I want) but at the same time, they may think that I'm nice- however, ultimately, i cannot control what people think about me. Not all will like me- there must be people out there who dislike me but I'm okay with that, because I think more people like me than those who dislike me :p But, what I can do for people in my life- i will do for them, thats all that matters. (:

I think appreciation is very important. I'm not a person good with words and sometimes, I feel that there's so much to appreciate about everyone but I'm not appreciating them enough. That's when I try to include all my appreciation in notes , to let them know that they mean to me. Also, I try my best not to exclude people too blatantly, especially if they're in a group, because even though people can rationalize that oh cuz, you're closer to him/her- i believe that some negative feelings may subconsciously emerge. In many cases, feelings come before logical thinking- especially for girls- I want to try my best not to accidentally hurt people. But, I want to be exclusive at the same time too. And hence, I always spend very long thinking about how I can ensure homogenity with exclusivitiy- it's very easy to not think about this and just do what I feel like doing- but I think that's not me, I think I'm someone who just has to try and care about everyone's feelings because I believe everyone's feelings deserve to be respected and taken care of. However, of course , I have my insensitive moments too- i'm ultimately, not perfect. I do have people whom I don't like and hence, care less about their feelings.

As for the issue of my fear of rejection and being not liked, I feel that this is something I have yet to overcome. Sometimes, my behaviours show these fears and I'm aware of it. I need to learn to better cope with possible rejection and not being liked. I need to start by learning to count my blessings more often. I'm actually a very very blessed girl and instead of getting sad over things that don't go the way i want, I should learn to focus and treasure what I've been given, because usually these given gifts mean more at the end of the day. (:

I want to try to not allow these fears to swallow me up in my interactions with others and I want to start with my social work friends especially, because they really make me feel super blessed <3 Yesterday, I really didn't feel like leaving school somehow and the memories of everything, photo taking, meeting, guitar lesson, listening to guitar jamming and everyone singing graduation song really touched my heart.

Maybe I'm not as funny as some people. Maybe I'm not as talented or easy to get along as some people. Maybe I'm not sensitive and nice as some people. But regardless of all my flaws, I want to believe that I am able and will continue making true close friends that will just like me for who I am, respect my flaws , see my strengths and just treasure me for me as a person. (:

Thursday, April 05, 2012

11:20 PM

My ulcer's hurting like hell.

Today's been an emotional day. :(
Ups and downs. Insecurities, no confidence, simply just feeling depressed.

Of course there were ups.(:
Social work friends helped brighten up my day ,
so I'm thankful for that. (;

Inspired by the GEM1023 final lecture and Child-centric lecture,
which presented very thought-provoking questions and issues
about change and life.

Change is something that people fear, but what they fear is not what the change is,
but the uncertainty that it brings, the possible consequences that it may hold.
Change takes time and this is an important thing to remember for anyone, who wants to create a change. Change is never easy but the truth still remains that change can occur.
Change evolves from an ideal. While ideas and concepts are criticized as being too idealistic,
what we fail to notice is how these idealistic ideas and concepts present a great opportunity for
improvement and change. I want to be part of this future change that seems to be slowly happening in the social work in future. Not a massive part but definitely, a part which belongs to me.

I agree how success and happiness are not always correlated.
To be successful, you just need to follow the "society protocol", act like how societal forces put upon you to act and be competent, efficient and capable. Many equate success and happiness because they feel that success can bring about material gains and perhaps emotional gains , that hence, can bring about happiness. But, this is not true. Sometimes, I ask myself this question:
Life is so unpredictable. I can just die the next minute, for whatever reasons. If I were to die, will this issue matter? How would I want to die?

I want to die.. HAPPY. (:

and hence, I must live HAPPY. (: